My New BFF

While Stinkerton may be my partner in crime and rage filled blogging, I think I may have stumbled upon my new potential BFF (Best Friend Forever for all you old people). I am referring to YouTube's jimmy0010. I'm not sure how old Master 0010 is, but I'm pretty sure we could have a good time hangin' round the park throwing sticks in front of roller bladers. His hair style might change from time to time, but his quirky anger never fades. A bit of Ricky Gervais, a bit of British angst, and a whole lot of rage. And maybe a bit Adam Lambert without the guyliner?

See for yourself.

I'd have to agree, it is a bit mental that the Queen's never had a cream egg.



I have also noticed that there always is some guy in the back of the bus playing music on his speakers and have frequently noticed crying women on buses.



Lovin' the new doo Jimmy.

So come on Jimmy, be my new BFF. I think I might be kinda older than you, but it's cool, yo, I have babysitting experience.

Maybe I should get to screen writing

Why? Because I'm pretty damn sure that I could come up with a more interesting story while on the toilet than James Gray and Ric Menello did for the movie Two Lovers. This post will be entirely devoted to crapshow that is this movie, so if you don't know want to know what happens (as if you couldn't figure it out within the first five minutes), then don't read. I guess I should throw in some of these:

*SPOILER ALERT**88**@#(*$_()@$*!!-------------------------------------

Now that you've been appropriately warned, here's the plot. Joaquin Pheonix plays this messed up guy named Leonard who lives in his parents apartment. He works at his father's dry cleaning store and was apparently once engaged but now is bipolar and tries to kill himself by jumping off a boardwalk, which is only a few feet above the water. Nice. His parents are buddies with another dry cleaning family and are coming up with a business deal for the two stores. They just happen to have a daughter, Sandra, who is kinda obsessed with Leonard because she once saw him dance with his mom. The two have a thing and she falls totally in love with him. Meanwhile, Leonard falls in love with his neighbor Michelle, played by the ever (not so) convincing Gwyneth Paltrow. Michelle, a drug addicted law firm assistant, is having an affair with her boss-who of course, has a wife and family. In the end, Michelle gets her boss to leave his family for her and Leonard winds up getting engaged to Sandra. Aww, everyone's happy, right? No. Not me. Here are my top reasons for not getting the hype:

1) Hmmm, I feel like I might have seen this movie before? Oh yeah, Match point. Except Match point was more interesting and kept my attention for longer than two minutes at a time.

2) The casting. Yes, Phoenix did a really good job, and so did Vinessa Shaw who played Sandra. However, how old are these people and how old are they meant to be? All of them either living at home or pretending to be about 25? Well, I remember seeing Paltrow playing the same types of rolls 10 years ago, so I'm a little unconvinced. Has Paltrow ever played anything other than a straight blond haired object of someone's affection? I think the only thing I've ever really liked her in was Shakespeare in Love. Her acting was pretty bad and so was her over the top New York accent. I really had a hard time believing that Phoenix was supposed to be whatever age he was supposed to be. 

3) The screenplay. How many movies are there about women in dead end affairs hoping that their lovers will leave their families for them? A whole lot. If you were to write a text book about how these scenes are typically done in movies, wouldn't you include a piece that goes something like this?

Woman to friend: You just don't understand. I know, this is awful, but he's different. He's a really nice guy. You don't think I'm crazy do you? What am I doing?

Friend says either: No, you're not crazy

OR

End it now, for your own sake and his family's.

Woman: But I love him. And he's promised that he's going to leave his wife for me. He promised! (Begins crying, maybe storms off)

And that's what Two Lovers did. Exactly. No variation of its own, nothing new, nothing surprising, just boring and entirely predictable. And cheezy, in a bad way, not in an awww my heart melted way. 

At the end, Leonard buys a ring for Michelle. However, once he realizes that she's going off with her boss, he tries to throw it into the water. He walks into the sea, and somehow a pair of gloves that Sandra gave him fall out of his pocket and into the water. He slowly picks up the gloves and realizes that he still has her. Oh, and then he magically finds the ring again so he can conveniently give it to Sandra. Didn't see that one coming!

4) This would never happen in real life. About 30 minutes into this movie I could tell that it was written by a man. Why? Because there was an utter lack of understanding of how a real woman would react to Leonard's stalkerish ways in real life. He's tried to kill himself a few times, lives in a creepy room, looks kind of like Big Foot, and you're expecting me to believe that two beautiful women become obsessed with him? Not just kinda like him, or flirt with him, but develop immediate attachments to him in the period of a couple of weeks? 

Leonard asks Michelle into his apartment after she gets in a fight with her father. The two chat in a friendly, neighborly way. Fine. But then, Leonard follows her to the train station, gets on her train, gets off at her stop, and accompanies her to work. She offers him her phone number and he starts to text and call her right away. What? Do you know how this would go down in real life? Michelle would be friendly to Leonard, but would avoid directly giving him her number unless asked. Being stalked is not really sweet, but a bit sketchy. She doesn't even show any signs of apprehension. Sandra, on the other hand, is a normal girl who apparently has guys chasing her. Yet, she wants to "fix" Leonard? Do men really think that all women are that weak and need to mother someone at all times? What would have happened if Leonard had been a woman, and Michelle and Sandra were two guys. Would Michelle's male character accept a nerdy, somewhat disturbed, woman chasing after him? I don't think so. I don't know about the rest of you, but I've always been wary of overly eager guys. It's just not attractive or mysterious, or whatever the screenwriters wanted it to be. Yes, his character was sweet but Michelle's instant BFF? Come on.

Best moment of the movie:

Michelle yells to Leonard: You're crazy!

Leonard looks up with crazy face: That's what they told me! (Because they did...) 

Unfortunately, I don't have a screen shot, but just remember, this is what Joaquin Phoenix looks like now: 

Daylight Savings? Sounds more like schmaylight schmavings to me

What is this time change business? I never used to question it that much in the past but I've come to realize that it's utterly useless. Twice a year our whole schedules get messed up because for some reason we need to have darkness or extra light. Friends get confused about lunch dates, people show up to work extra early or super late, I get confused as to which clocks I've already changed/need to be changed and am never sure which clock is tellin' the truth. 

From my understanding, Daylight Saving was introduced for a few reasons. It first appeared around World War I so that factory workers could actually spend some time outside in the sunshine after working hours were over. It also helps to reduce energy spent on artificial lighting. From almost everything I've read about it, Daylight Saving appears to be viewed more positively than "regular" time in the fall and winter (with the exception of that extra hour to sleep in, of course. Oh, and the fact that it gets too dark in the mornings so the time shift makes that less of a problem, or something). 

So, if more people like having that extra sunshine in the evening, then why bother "falling back" later in the year? Why not just stick with this schedule? I really don't think Earth gives a crap. Would it somehow mess up our calendar? I'm not really seeing the big deal here. Many countries in the world don't follow these stupid time changes and, as far as I know, they haven't exploded yet. Would anyone miss the time changes? I know I certainly wouldn't. If keeping the extra hour saves energy, then why bother going back in time at all? It can't possibly be just because of the morning light business. Farmers, construction workers, and all them other folks who tend to work outside don't tend to do as much outdoors during the colder months. 

I remember learning a theory about how businesses would try to figure out how to maximize worker productivity. Almost out of the blue, workers would begin to receive rewards or bonuses for good work. After the reward system was introduced, productivity would go up. After several months, productivity would remain reasonably high, but wasn't as great as right after the introduction because rewards were expected. So after about six months, the reward system was taken away, which left workers feeling like they no longer deserved to be rewarded. Again, productivity would rise. Eventually, the reward system could be introduced again. Is this what daylight savings is all about? Is our extra hour of sunshine in the spring just a reward for being good all winter? Then our schedules get mixed up again in the fall so we don't get into too much of a routine. Daylight Saving isn't mandatory so maybe there's some sort of mentality that if we don't work well, our daylight will be taken from us. 

Maybe what needs to change are our own attitudes towards schedules and the outdoors. We are obsessed with time, being on time, working for a certain period of time, waking up on time, etc. Of course being aware of time does increase productivity, but why should we need to rely on an enforced time change to make sure we're waking up at the right hours and going outside at a certain time of day? Shouldn't everyone be responsible for that?

Here's what I mean: 

You work in an office for eight hours a day (okay it's more like 9 hours because of your lunch break). Other than your lunch break, you are not able to leave the office unless you have an appointment of some sort. This means that in winter, the only time you will spend in the daylight, is the time it takes you to walk to your car in the morning and your trip to and from lunch. When you leave work, it will be pitch black outside. Your entire day has been spent in artificial light, looking at the fleeting sunlight outside. However, during the summer, you actually get a few hours of sunlight after you leave work. No wonder people suffer from seasonal depression! For half the year, you don't really get to see the sun, other than on weekends of course. Shouldn't employers be responsible for ensuring that workers get to spend time outside during the day? Wouldn't productivity levels be higher if employees felt good about life? Artificial light may temporarily alter moods, but it doesn't provide vitamin D. It doesn't provide a sense of fresh air or wind on your face. Altering the work schedule so that employees get at least 30 minutes outside during the day would probably help to increase attention levels and focus. It shouldn't be up to the government to force sunshine upon us-it should automatically be part of our lives. 

So please, get rid of this time change business. Stick with one time (preferably daylight savings) and we'll all be happy. Why bother with a tradition picked up from World War I?

Shepard Guide Us

I was debating between this title and "This Fairey Steals Your Money", but that's what this dude gets for having two professions as his name.

Shepard Fairey's plagerism case, has been pissing me off a lot lately. I don't really care that he stole the image for the Barack Obama "Hope," poster from a (probably underpaid) member of the Associated Press, but Shepard is really getting on my nerves by turning around and suing the Associated Press because of the famous "he who hast smelt it, is the party that dealt it" law.

I suppose I shouldn't expect anything less, since Shepard has made his name by skirting vandalism laws, to draw attention, and give himself that bad boy image that gets you laid. However, what is really getting to me, is this Huffington post post which Fairey posted, and which I heard of through this Bostonist article (It turns out that HuffPost is the Kevin Bacon of Blogs). In his post, Fairey defends his idea-thievery in true "the kid with glasses and straight A's totally cheated off of me" fashion. His arguments range from legally prudent douche-baggery to the proclamation of an truly disturbing world-view.

"...I did not think (and do not think) I needed permission to make an art piece using a reference photo. From the beginning, I openly acknowledged that my illustration of Obama was based on a reference photograph... which I found out much later was taken by Mannie Garcia..." It is not a reference if you do not cite your source, which you clearly cannot do if you don't know who created the work.

Admittedly, it takes balls to do this and then complain that "...people try to demean my Obama poster as being 'stolen' or that because I used a photo I 'cheated'." This is like having a conversation with a cheating student &mdash What you don't seem to understand, Shepard, is that you aren't cheating because you used Wikipedia, you are cheating because you passed someone else's work off as your own. You say that many great painters worked from photos, but the difference here is that paintings are made in a studio, and your poster was made in photoshop.

Almost universally, the only thing interesting about Fairey's work is his use and contrast of colors, and the actual images are always taken from other sources. So while the pictures are evocative and exciting (until you realize that this Fairey is a one trick pony), a remix loses a considerable amount of depth if the original is not available.

Fairey claims that he went to Rhode Island School of Design, an impressive alma mater &mdash "At RISD I was taught to draw from life, to draw from photo references..." Well it's too bad this fancy school didn't teach you to reference your works. This is surprising, in academia people are only worth as much as their ideas. So when you steal someone's ideas, you steal their lively-hood. It is a big deal. I also find it interesting that for all his defense of working from photo references, Fairey sure doesn't seem to have a very high opinion of photography.

On this point, Fairey's post isn't all juvenile, there is plenty of room for the asinine. He argues that it was okay to use the image because he wasn't reporting news, but instead using the image to promote Obama. This actually makes matters worse. Shepard Fairey was using the photo to make "a political statement" that he had no idea that Mannie Garcia was even cool with. Even though Mannie did turn out to be an Obama supporter, Shepard admits that he didn't even know Mannie's name when the poster was created, so he obviously had no respect for the photographer's intent. I know I would hate if Shepard Fairey somehow managed to use my words here to steal money from the AP in this lawsuit.

My personal favorite argument from Fairey is that Garcia's work would have "faded into obscurity" without the Obama poster. What sort of arrogant asshole sells himself as a gritty street artist, then asserts that he can get away with copying someone else because he is more famous? Although Fairey claims that he is defending the artistic expression from excessive copyright laws, this is actually what copyright laws are meant to do. Even though in recent years it seems like copyright laws are there to protect large company trademarks and the canned crap which we hear on the radio, they are actually there to protect the small time artist from having his (or her) work stolen by larger more famous bullies. Despite his image, Shepard Fairey is the bully in this case, and he is using his fame to control lesser known work.

Of course there is nothing wrong with being a bully, it is nearly impossible to be successful without being at least a little bit of a bully. But don't try to shove some idealistic crap down my throat so that I think that you are freeing my mind when you are really just giving me a wedgie.

Things that bite... In Connecticut

I don't know how I feel about all of Barak Obama's press conferences, he has had two already, and all of these questions.... these would have got Bush through the better part of his first term. I don't care how candid and honest he is, when I try to turn on American Idol, it is because I want to forget my troubles, not be frankly reminded of them.

I digress.

Usually when people think of Connecticut, the fiercest thing involved is Chris Dodd (Oh, no you Doddn't). However, things seem to have been turned upside-down lately. There was the famous incident about a month ago. A woman was attacked by a monkey. This attack even got congress to take a break from giving out money to talk about a pointless bill to ban the interstate transportation of monkeys.

If this wasn't enough, a few weeks ago, some woman found an alligator crawling out of a sewer drain. I'm not entirely sure why this woman was living in a sewer drain, but I would like to think that she is safe from vicious clawed baby animals which are adorable.

For the coup de gros, last week a woman and her husband got in a fight. Now, I assume she must have been some sort of conflict counselor, because she realized very astutely that nothing ends fights quite like handcuffs. So while her husband was sleeping she locked the bedroom door (from the outside somehow), and chained herself to his wrist. Everything was going well until he started to called the cops, so she was logically forced to bite him.

Now, I'm note exactly sure how long full moons last, but I don't think that you can blame what has been going wrong on astrological phenomena. Maybe people are just really excited about womens basketball. To top it off The Haunting in Connecticut came out last week, so if we keep this up, we might surpass Texas as the creepiest state! Well at least then I will be able to tell people "Don't mess with Connecticut, or we will confuse you with spelling."

Nothing is more efficient than Diesel

Ok, so we have had a bit of a dry spell. I have been very busy doing things that you couldn't possibly understand.

I just installed a firewall on my computer, and for no apparent reason the BBC has been trying to access my computer every fifteen minutes for the past couple of days. I don't know what I could have done to piss off "the company", but they are ruthless and I am screwed.

I also bring some good news. For the past few years, our lives have been missing something — I'll give you a hint — children love it, where-ever it goes there are explosions, and it has huge deltoids. Give up:



That's right he's back! I can't wait to stare into his lifeless eyes, as he draws out his phrases syllable by syllable. I expected the second coming of Diesel to be as the governor of a state, but I will have to take what I can get. This movie is gonna be awesome! The first one was so cool it convinced people that bad-ass meant green ligths on the underside of your car.

"But didn't Vin refuse to do a sequel to this movie 8 years ago when it was relevant?" You ask. Well, first, don't use his first name, you don't know him... no one knows him. Second, this recession is so bad, that not even Keifer Sutherland can car-chase us out. So we brought in the big guns! After all, it is a movie about the triumph of the old-time values of American muscle over Chinese people doing awesome acrobatics with Japanese-made zip.

Does this mean that we have adopted late 90's early 2000 nostalgia? Are Eminem and Saliva going to be ironically cool now, because I had finally gotten "Click Click Boom" out of my head. More importantly, are we going to finally be done with 80's nostalgia? Because that would be awesome.

"Reality" TV is pushing it

Now in my confusion from daylight savings time*, I turned on The Simpsons an hour early, to discover that the Fox network was even more brilliant than I originally thought. About a year ago, America rediscovered the Japanese gameshow which was normally relegated to the depths of basic cable. Giving birth to instant classics such as Wipeout and I Want to be a Japanese Gameshow. During the great writer strike of `07-`08 these shows were appealing, because they combined the mindless pleasure of Grey's Anatomy, without the pesky writers who want things like wages, and integrity.

I am surprised that I was unaware, but every Sunday at 6:00 Fox airs a show called Hole in the Wall. The basic idea of the show is that the Fox network pays who knows how much to cut shapes into large foam walls, and then the walls slide along a track, and contestants need to jump through the holes without getting plowed by the wall. Think Super Mario Bros. with break dancers and contortionists instead of plumbers. Of course, a Youtube video is worth a thousand words, but you only really need two: "Oh Crap".



If you haven't noticed yet, "Hole in the Wall" is a double entendre referring to the cut-outs in the foam wall, and the camel toe that results from those skin tight silver jumpsuits. If you think that is bad, I think I went blind in my right eye from seeing the shine off the Bulge in the pants of the Hispanic break dance "crew" the "Flying Tortillas." And in the Australian version of the show, the Lifeguards are all in banana hammocks.

*I'm banking on the fact that no one will realize that if I was actually confused by daylight savings time, I would have tuned into The Simpsons an hour late and discovered that King of the Hill is still making new episodes, which I didn't know.

Social networking sites will destroy the universe

If we don't continue checking Facetweetikrspace every 108 minutes, the world will deconstruct...oh wait, that might be the island from Lost, my bad (I'm only on season 2, don't say anything!). 

I'll admit, I do check Facebook more than I should. I'd quit it, but I don't want to right now...YOU CAN'T TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME!

How else will I know when my friends have headaches, have a paper due, or are happy such and such football/baseball/basketball/rugy team won? How? How will I survive without seeing pictures of so and so's new dog or one of my former bosses getting completely wasted at a wedding? 

My anxiety related neurodermatitis is acting up simply at the thought at not receiving at least one Mafia Wars invitation every day or knowing how many people might be attending the "Find the Penguin" event at the LSE or being able to read 25 "random" facts about each of my friends. 

Do you remember a time when we didn't need to know every single detail of our friends' lives? When we could remember a friend without associating them with their overy glittery Myspace page (which also played the same stupid indie song over and over again)? Remember when contacting a new friend or a crush was a challenge? A guy I liked in high school found my AIM* screen name through a friend of a friend and I was ecstatic! The lengths he had to go to just to send me, "Hey wut's up? How's your summer?" My initial reaction of, "Holy crap, who is this person? Do I know him or her?" And then when I find out, "OMG!!!!" 

Now just imagine if this same event had gone down over Facebook. 

10:15am: OMG! Crushface just friended me!

10:16am: Oh, he also just friended like 10 other people

10:30am: Why is he writing on her wall? He hasn't written on my wall yet. 

11:15am: Who is that girl that tagged him in this photo? Why is he having so much fun with her? He just added me, that means he likes me right? Or that he at least thought of me? Right? Right? 

11:17am: So I deduced from the friends that they have in common, this mysterious girl is really his cousin. 

1:29pm: Oh no! Crushface is now listed as being in a relationship! Tenth grade is ruined!

1:31pm: Oh, he's in one of those fake relationships with his best guy friend. *Sigh.* 

2:00pm: He likes that band? Wow, I just lost a lot of respect for him. But, whoah, we have, like, all the same favorite TV shows!

The next day at school: 

Me to friend while Crushface walks past: Wow, I can't believe that happened on such and such show last night!

Crushface: You watch that show? That is my favorite!

Me: Really? I had NO idea! That is cool! 

CF: Yeah, my cousin introduced it to me over the summer. We went to the beach for a week, but it rained.

Me: I know, I saw the pics..I mean, crap, oh really? That's cool. 

And this is how the world will end. People such as myself, who are already prone to anxiety, will become even more so until we all pull out our hair and go Why did that person defriend me?!! No!! I want to be in your top 8!!! Why would she update her status but not respond to my message?

Social network sites destroy hope and real curiosity. In high school I never knew all the top gossip, mostly because I didn't care. I'd find out months later that people were dating, had broken up, etc. Now I know everything and still don't really care but find myself learning more and more. It was great thinking that Crushface had a crush on me too. The only crazy thoughts I could get were created by me, and not his status updates or comments on his wall. It was awesome. 

Oh, and people can get famous for doing absolutely nothing, like this girl in Argentina. I tried to figure out why this 17 year old is famous and discovered that she didn't really do much. She just got a ton of comments on her fotolog page. This is just nuts. The NY Times article explains that she gets paid to show up to events and promote products. She gets to stay in 5 star hotels and travels everywhere for free. Okay, I wonder if I could become world famous if I update my Facebook status every minute of every day? No? 

In another news, Follow Rageoline on twitter!

*For those too old to know, (or too young and hip) AIM stands for AOL (America Online) Instant Messenger

Top uv the Mornin, Guvner

I inform you that I am in England by using a traditional English colloquialism (apparently the British are lol-cats). That's right, I'm minding the bullocks here in jolly old England. No, it has not been foggy, nor does everybody break into song and dance sporadically, however, I did pee on one of the royal guards and he did not move.

The first thing Rageoline made me do, after making out with Hugh Grant of course, was to make a b-line to Camden Town, to buy some second hand clothes. After I had donned my tweed jacket and doc martins (urban camouflage in London), we proceeded to hit every market in town — I have never gotten the opportunity to be a tourist before, and I must say, that it is much more tiring than I realized. In my effort to try and see as much as possible, I haven't had a moment to sit down since I got off of that plane. I must say, Londoners have a lot of useless crap to sell.

I later got around to doing the more traditional tourist things, seeing Big Ben, Westminster Abbey, the London eye, Rowen Atkinson etc. Somewhere along the way, it dawned on me, that London is kind of like Disney Land with Shakespeare plays instead of Walt Disney cartoons. At the Tower of London there is an exhibit where children can practice being tower guards by putting on helmets, playing with crossbows, and slitting imaginary princes' throats.

London has been very fun, even though there is no Office (American version) or 30 Rock, so I'm stuck watching Grey's Anatomy, where apparently they have run out of characters for Catherine Hghlglhl to sleep with, so they have brought characters back from the dead. At least there is American Idol, Guyliner and glitter ftw.

P.S. This is Rageoline and Co's 50 post, and we would like to thank all of you out there who have made this blog successful. Especially to all the Hughs out there (Laurie, Jackman, Grant) without you being angry just wouldn't be as much fun.

Elevator etiquette and moaning about the weather

Elevators are supposed to make life convenient and help you get around more quickly.  They are for helping those who are carrying heavy loads or for those who are not physically capable of making it up and down stairs easily. They are not a means of avoiding exercise. If you take the lift up one floor and you look perfectly capable of walking up the stairs, don't be surprised if you hear me exclaim, "Are you freakin' kidding me?" This especially bothers me at the library. People will wait several minutes for the lift to appear, and then will get off one floor later. Why? I'm lookin' at you 20 year old size 4 girl not carrying any books. I will not buy your excuse if it's, "Well, I'm too out of shape and going up the stairs is painful." You know what gets you in shape? Climbing the stairs. Walking up the escalator rather than standing there. Don't make crowds of people, waiting for the down elevator from the 3rd floor wait for you to go up one floor to the 4th. Really, it's super lame. Oh, and if you are going to get off at the first floor, be the last one in the elevator, not the first. It takes longer for the rest of us to get anywhere if people have to get out of the elevator in order to let your lazy ass off.

My second cause for rage today: People moaning about the weather. It's March, not June! Did you expect the end of February to magically bring spring? Before moving to London, I spent my last five winters in New England. Freak snow storms always appear towards the end of March and even through early April. Sure it will feel nice for a couple of days, but the temperature will drop down again. It really doesn't ever start getting warm until mid-April or May. The snow may stop, but we'll get rain, sleet, mud, and everything else instead. My memories of spring from freshman year involve me running down the long walk through the never ending rain, hoping to not be entirely drenched by the time I got to class so I wouldn't have to sit there shivering. The great thing about March is that we finally get some sunshine, but warmth? Nope. 

And for people who complain about the so-called "dreariness" of the London winter and current weather, I'm not buying it. We've had more sunshine and warmth this winter than I ever saw in Boston or Connecticut. If 46 degrees and sunny equals terrible winter, then you've never fully experienced a real winter. It really doesn't rain all that much here, and when it does, it usually doesn't rain very hard or last for very long. If you want to experience bad weather, go to Ireland. 

The Skincare Boutique of Dr Moreau

I am going to spare you the March came in like a lion joke, which seems to be almost obligatory for news sources who are covering the fact that here in New England, we just had a friggin Blizzard! What the hell! I am totally going down to Pennsylvania and am going to kick that ground hog's ass!

Ok, I shouldn't be this pissed off. I'm a New England native, and late snowstorms are pretty common here. I can also take this time to catch up on my work and to plan my lessons. But this winter set on early, and I was hoping it would go out in the same way. However, just like that drunk who comes early to your party to start in on your booze, now, at 3 am, old man winter is asking where we keep our bourbon.

At least school is cancelled so I have a chance to simultaneously get work done and melt my brain with some daytime TV. While looking at school closings in my area, this segment came on the TV. Now it is no secret that I have long sought after the secret to un-frizz my hair, but some of these products are just too much.

Is the battle against gingivitis keeping you up at night? We finally have a solution: Pearly Dreams. No, this is not a porn website or a Chinese restaurant, instead it is a product which combines the minty freshness of toothpaste with the soul crushing addiction of sleep medication. You will never forget to brush your teeth again.

I don't know why no one thought of this before. Huge Lips is a lip plumper that includes an appetite suppressant. This is great, I quote 'beauty expert' Jenn Falik "...just bring it to a cocktail party, keep applying it and you will leave skinnier than you came." and Today Show: "...I think I might be having an allergic reaction." That's right ladies, you can now hide your anorexia behind Angelina Jollie-size lips. Jenn should totally be an expert in looking sexy : "Just apply and tell yourself not to eat!"

For our last product today, we talk about WrinkleFree Eyes. These little plastic patches go under your eyes, and while you sleep, they zap the bajeezes out of your crows-feet. Is there any problem a few volts of electricity can't fix? It's like electro-shock therapy, but for your wrinkles! Don't take my word for it, Jenn gives a stunning review: "I tried it, and I can still see!"

Now if you don't mind there is a man with a plow trying to kick me out of my parking space.

Some days I feel like Mugatu

Okay, so I didn't invent the piano key neck tie, or try to kill the Malaysian prime minister, but I can definitely relate to his "I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!" moment:


Mugatu's feelings about Derek Zoolander's facial expressions pretty much sum up how I feel about U2. Maybe my strong dislike for them stems from the fact that when I was little, my dad only listened to about seven bands/artists: U2, REM, Eric Clapton, Leonard Cohen, Paul Simon, Rod Stewart, and anything involving Mick Jagger. And by only thing he would listen to, I really mean that these were the only musicians he would listen to. Okay, so maybe you could slip some Phil Collins and David Bowie in there for brief periods of time, but they weren't as long lasting. From about 1989 until 2005 those were the only bands I would hear every time I got in his car. For whatever reason, I always hated U2 more than the rest. I remember going to homeroom one day in 4th grade and hearing my teacher and some of my classmates going, "Let's listen to U2!! They are so awesome!!!" My immediate reaction was, "What? That is definitely old people music." Even in 4th grade I thought their music was repetitive and tedious.

And now many years have passed and has U2 disappeared like they should have? No. Has their music evolved or gotten better? No. In fact, it's gotten worse, although there may have been a slight improvement since their super crappy period at the end of the '90s (remember Sweetest Thing?). People are obsessed with this band and I just don't get it! I have only heard the single off the new album and it sounds exactly like all their other music! Why do they get all this attention? Why do they get to play on David Letterman every single night in a week? "Secret" concert on a rooftop in London? Okay, that is kind of cool, but I'm still not sure they're worth it. Bono is a complete douchebag. Maybe he has done a lot of good for the world, but he's also ridiculously full of himself, or at least that's the impression I've gotten since I was little. Every single live performance I've seen on TV has involved him getting all up in the camera. He owns a hotel in Dublin and got caught smoking in it after the ban was put in place. Douche. Need more proof? Watch this. Not only do U2 and Greenday manage to destroy a great song, they also demonstrate a completely unrealistic understanding of how the world should be saved!

Every song is exactly the same. Every single one. See for yourself.

Sunday Bloody Sunday-1983


New Year's Day-1983


Where the Streets Have No Name-1987

I Still Haven't Found what I'm Looking for-1987 (unfortunately, this song will forever be linked to some of my memories from when I was 10)

Mysterious Ways-1991

Staring at the Sun-1997 (yuck)

Sweetest Thing-originally from the '80s, re-released in 1998

Beautiful Day-2000 I have a really hard time distinguishing this song from a lot of their others. It also sounds like something Coldplay completely ripped off.

Elevation-2000, My dad made me listen to the album this was on over and over again on a long car ride and I haven't fully recovered yet.

Vertigo-2004 For a long time I thought this and Elevation were the same song

Get on Your Boots-2009 This sounds a bit more like some of the older stuff, which isn't really that different from the newer stuff. Dumb.



Maybe I'm just nuts, but I'm not hearing a huge difference between this new Boots song and something like Mysterious Ways. Or Beautiful Day and Sweetest Thing. Even Mick Jagger's music has changed more in the last 20 years. Will the band ever break up or do I have to wait for Bono to kick it?