Wednesday, November 26, 2008

The Ultimate Rageworthy person


Canada, Americas' Russia

Rageoline has informed me that Canada and Russia are nothing alike. I say NAY (like a horse), and that there are a plethora of comparisons that can be drawn between the two countries. The first and most obvious is that they are both very large and very covered in ice. Superman's fortress of solitude is in Canada, and Stalin is from Russia. Both of them are nick named: "man of steel"! Eerie!

Less superficial, they both have had failed coups. Russia had the Russian revolution, and the Canadians have Quebec! Both have had border disputes with a the USA. Canada and the US have decided to have their border along the 48th paralell, and the US and Russia have divided most of the Eastern Hemisphere. Russia was once ruled by the Mongoles, a nomadic people whose empire spanned most of Asia. Canada was once ruled by England, a nomadic people whose empire annoyed the entire world.

Both cultures are very fond of their beards and seafoods. Russia in particular has been trying to controle a warm-water port for five centuries, and Canada has been trying to controle Newfundland for just as long.

So in conclusion the two countries are very similar, and you can make any arguement you set your mind to!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Zuckerberg's Law of Useless Information

Now that the election is finally over, it is safe for people in the media to talk about other things, even though there are a few stragglers who think they can still turn heads by trying to call the hotly contested race for first dog. Normally this would be the sort of thing to set me on an acid spewing rant, but I am really sick of politics, so I shall refrain.

Instead I draw your attention the Web 2.0 Summit, or as I like to call it, the meeting of the G2.0 (that's a foreign relations joke, if you are wondering why you are not laughing). There Mark Zuckerberg, president of the illustrious nation of The Facebook, has made a feeble bid for a place in real-people history by positing a defining law for the stalwart science of social networking. "Zuckerberg's law," as the coinage goes, states that every year from now on people, in the general sense, are going to be willing to share twice as much about themselves as the year before.

Despite the fact that this is a terrifying revelation, this statement has been met with a surprising reverence. There is the slight criticism, that this law bares some similarity to Gordon Moore's Law which points out that the number of transistors in a micro chip roughly doubles every two years. This is not to be confused with the Dalton/Moore hypothesis that the plot gets twice as dumb every two Bond movies. Aside from this, all across the Blog-o-sphere, people are bowing down to this chip of "wisdom" from the mother-of-all bloggers, the person who reincentivized staying in on a Saturday night, Mark Zuckerberg.

Now, in the tradition of Einstein, let us perform a thought experiment —Think of everyone you know, not just your friends, everyone. Now ask yourself how many of them do you want to know twice as well? Take a second.


What Mark doesn't seem to ask "is there a point when we just cannot share any more about ourselves?" Some have claimed that we will be stuck in a Zeno's Paradox style loop of never quite making it all the way to total disclosure. However, I believe, which is corroborated by the existence of catbook, that Zuckerberg is wrong about the information we share on the internet.

While it may be true, that we will post/share/twitterize exponentially more information each year, it won't be information about ourselves. Instead we will make up information to feed into the ever-growing social network system, in a "keeping up with the Joneses" fashion. For example, a couple of years ago, someone might not have even thought about their cat's favorite movie, but today we post, for all the world to see, that Wall-E really changed the way the Snuggles thinks about his carbon paw-print.

I will end by noting that Google's spellcheck offers "bloodsucker" as an option for correcting Zuckerberg's name, touché.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Update to Ultimate Dumb Live Blog Post

Wednesday: 11:20 Yes! Boston 103 Houston 99! 

Oh, wait a second...Obama wins!!!! 

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Live Blogging is the Ultimate Dumb

Daniel Craig is on TV, yes! Oh, excuse me, I was too busy paying attention to what's on my TV to remember that I had started a post. Stinkerton and I have been discussing our annoyance with Live Blogging. Who cares what you, almighty blogger, has to say minute per minute? Holy crap, Tom Cruise just went to the bathroom at 9:15 OMG!!! To prove just how stupid it is, Stinkerton and I are each doing our own live blogging of election coverage. If you're not bored by now then I don't know what help remains for you. I'm not sure how long this will last on my end as I live in the freakin' UK. 

Rewind to 15 minutes ago: Holy crap, Wolf Blitzer has just beamed some woman onto the stage. It looked like R2D2 just vomited her up.

0:27 GMT: Wow, am I watching CNN election coverage or ESPN? I am mesmerized by your touch screen capabilities! You really know how to circle those hot spots with your finger Mr. my face resembles an old piece of ham with a toupée.

0:29: Stinkerton is trying to hold conversation with me about House and Obama having AIDS or something, but I am just too amazed by Wolf Blitzer's tiny stature compared to CNN's giant Poll Closing screen. We then discuss Blitzer's facial hair. I stopped typing for a second because I needed to scratch my head. 

Um, are they discussing the election or are they currently at a Starbucks studying for the next econ exam? Why do these people need so many computers? Are you guys reading my live blogging? Please please say yes, I really want to win and have my precious words read aloud on TV. 

0:33 This is dumb, let's see what's on Fox. This guy's voice is about to lull me into a deep and dark sleep. Oh a countdown clock until the next poll closing! These guys are so advanced!! Oh that lady appeared on a big screen, almost as good as a hologram, but not really. There are so many. things. on. the. screen. how. can. i. And why is the background so red? I get it, the Fox network is made up of communists, or Americans, or communist Americans, yeah, I'm pretty sure that's it.

0.36: Bloomberg, they are so advanced they are using Powerpoint or something like it!!! I can almost read the bullet points except for the ridiculously fast moving ticker at the bottom of the screen, Singapore? Wait a minute, why am I looking at a picture of McCain while hearing about Singapore? Too much finance! Next!

0:38: Ooo BBC! They are just so British I have to trust them on everything they say. There are so many crowds, is this Ascot? Where are all the funny hats? Wow, Cindy McCain not only looks like a resurrected skeleton wearing makeup, she also looks much younger than McCain. You know McCain, you really should have gone for an older woman so that you looked all young and buff in comparison. They are making some annoying jokes, skip! 

0:41, wait a minute, this isn't the US election, this is the House of Commons! 

0:42: That guy is wearing a purple tie on top of a purple shirt, fairly daring I'd say. Wow CNBC can use Powerpoint, extreme ticker scrolling, six pundit boxes, and moving backgrounds. I am wowed. Oh, and the yelling isn't distracting and obnoxious at all. 

0:48 Have just stopped staring blankly into space to realize that CNBC has not one but two fast moving tickers. AND IT CONTINUES DURING THE COMMERCIAL BREAK!! 

0:49 TV France, why are there Americans speaking right now? Why are Americans discussing the US Election on the show News & Magazines. Breaking News: Obama takes Vermont. O RLLY? Big freakin' whoop. What is the deal with these polls? Everyone keeps talking about these polls. Yes! Stupid Americans wearing baseball hats and gloves drinking bottled water TV! 

0:52: Why am I having so much doing this (was going to edit to say "why am I having so much fun doing this, but it's funny the way it is)? Did I just admit that? On to Aljazeera, yes, I really care what this Australian dude has to say to the next US president. Oh, what fashionable coats and scarves. Ooo and a green tie. Aljazeera is winning the fashion prize tonight. Oh, things just got serious, time to switch again. 

0:54: Russian TV, Cubans for Obama! Post Soviet split (how often have soviet and split been in the same sentence?) on who they want next

0:55: I just don't know what channel I'm watching now but the woman said "very unique" which doesn't make sense (if something is unique there is nothing else like it, there cannot be different levels of uniqueness). Whatever this channel is, it looks like it was recorded off of someone else's TV and then re-aired via Skype. Their ticker doesn't even fully fit on my screen and is not moving at all. Lame. 

0:57: OMG It's Carl Rove on Fox News. How can I turn from you Rovey? What is that tie you are wearing? It's orange with some sort of pattern on it, and your microphone looks kind of like a spider so it's kind of like you've prepared for Halloween, which was on Friday dude. OMG less than a minute until the next polls close!!!!!!!!!!  ELECTION ALERT!!!

1:01: Rove isn't speaking anymore, I can't watch this channel. Yes EuroNews is en francais!! Le woOt (remember folks, that t is silent). Oui c'est toute a fait logique. Ouch, it feels like I have a splinter inside of a really painful blister. Ah Non! Les polls sont fermes en New Jersey! 

1:04: Damnit! The Welsh channel has gone to bed, I guess I'm not getting my coverage from those guys. Stinkerton gets to watch the Daily Show's live coverage. I have to wait until tomorrow :(

1:08: Ham face is back on CNN! Who let these guys upload Kid Pix onto their fancy schmancy screens? Do you guys remember Kid Pix? It was amazing! I wish I had it on my computer right now so that I could fill my screen with purply slinky like things. Oh yes, the election, so much screaming!!! Stinkerton lets me know that the word for "polls" in French is "sondage." Well did you know that the French for "douche" is "le douche?" SNAP!

1:12: Stinkerton asked if I called him a shower. Nope! Shower="la douche" not "le douche." Note the difference spam breath. 

1:13 Is it Christmas? Was that the national anthem? Oh just the Phoenix Boys Choir. It sounded really creepy in the background. O-HI-O! Did any of you ever learn that song in middle school where you sing all the states' names in alphabetical order? Cuz I did. Did you realize that West Virginia was a state? Because I forget that it is almost every day. Every time I reach the end of the song I go, "oh yeah, there's an extra one of those Virginias." 

1:18: Ugh, commercials about gorillas and Egypt and stuff. You should read Supreme Courtship by Christopher Buckley. It's pretty funny. 

1:22: Back to Fox for the clock, ooo 6:30 to go!!

1:25: We've been live blogging for an hour now! I feel so productive!!!! Working on papers and presentations tomorrow is going to be awesome! I love exclamation marks!!! BBC has a "flurry of projections" Awww Barack cast a vote for himself!! Hey spellchecker, you might want to start recognizing Barack and Obama as real names. 

1:29: CNBC=channel with most use of hair dye and styling products. It is also the most unintentionally hilarious. "Barack brings a different color (literally)." "Diplomacy is a very important game." Have you guys ever played Diplomacy? Maybe I'm pulling out my total nerd points right now, but I think it rules. CNBC also argues more. Has their logo changed since the last time I was watching? Oh no, they just have two different logos to accompany their two tickers. Patriotic music! I feel inspired to send my absentee ballot in all over again two weeks ago!!!

1:33: I have found the ultimate election coverage!! The Celtics game!!! 

1:40: Pee break! Isn't live blogging so awesome? You get allll the details. Stinkerton and I should be paid to do this. So, let's see what's happening now. There's lots of flag waving and fist pumping in Pennsylvania...wait a second, NO! Those people are not just doing a regular fist pump, they are CERTAINLY jihadists!! No, it's already happening. We are totes screwed America. 

1:45: Celtics 4, Houston 8, Garnett, did you forget to eat your peanut butter and jelly today? Oh nope, now they scored. Um, I get the feeling that live blogging and basketball just don't go together. 

1:48: I just realized that it is now Guy Fawkes day in the UK! Yay for backyard bonfires and fire works!

1:53: I should probably split this into two posts, but I'm getting cranky because it's late and I don't wanna. Stinkerton and I have also realized that we've gotten the live blogging formatting kind of wrong, but it doesn't matter because IT IS DUMB! Is this major commercial time? Every single channel has commercials, oh wait Fox won't because they have the clock!

2:00: Sooo tired, must stay awake. Must make it to two hour mark. "Electoral bonanza" on CNN. Hey, did someone add an electoral vote game to Wii Play? Because that's what it sounds like. 

2:04: Hah, John Sununu defeated. That's a funny name. CNBC and CNN are beginning to blend together. They both begin with "CN" (Wait, so does Cartoon Network!! Why don't they have that here?), and they both have lots of beards. "The country's grown up." Wait, that sounded serious. Let's bring this down a knotch. Anderson Cooper is standing up while all the little econ students continue to sit in their little Starbucks!! How come Blitzer gets to play video games while these guys have to cram together at one table on bar stools? 

2:07: I am kind of amazed by obvious statements being made on CNN: "We could possibly see the first black president, but we don't know yet." Did you guys not realize this until right now? Well there must be hope for me in this world if you can get onto CNN with only a second grade education. 

2:10: When I rule the world and control all of the dictionaries I will ban the words "maverick" and "rogue." "Maverick" will say: "see Douche," and if you are lucky enough to have a copy of the M volume of the Oxford English Dictionary (OED), you will find, "Maverick: once meaning rebel, however the word lost its meaning after douchebag John McCain used it in reference to himself over and over again. See: douche, douchebag, Miss. Congeniality"

2:16: TV France, British correspondent speaks with obnoxious McCain supporter-ugly tie, baseball hat with McCain and Palin proudly showing, "I believe that McCain can still pull this out." Correspondent: "You believe he can pull this out?" "Yes, he can pull this out." Yeah Obama can use the internet! I wonder if he reads live blogging? 

4:30: Oh no! After a strange electoral shift McCain has won!! I guess he did "pull this out." 

2:23: Just kidding. It's not even 2:30. I've passed the two hour mark which means I can go to bed! CNN is playing Hank Williams right now, definitely a sign that I'm done and need to go to bed. I guess you imaginary readers will have to analyze the coverage on your own! Unless Stinkerton keeps this up. And for the record, Boston 45, Houston 39. 

Election "Live Blog" Post

Even though the only thing that grinds my gears more than small dogs is live-blogging, there is way to much rage to pass up a pass at election night coverage by the major 24-news networks.

I kicked off the night by having Ragoline tell me to turn on the TV becauseWolf Blitzer had just beamed up a correspondent. So I tuned in to watch fifteen minutes of Wolf pretending to talk to Sarah Yellin who was being green-screened in from Chicago. Someone is putting their MacBook Pro to good use.

0:31 TU: Apparently Wolf Blitzer has lost all of his power because Bill O'Rielly shaved his beard.

0:37 TU: Fox News, the star of tonight's post, has enlisted a doomsday clock to countdown the time until the polls close here on the east cost. And the Issues chanel apparently is wondering why Hillary lost, which makes me wonder what Issues refer to.

0:41 TU: Fox News is now joining the cognative world in calling West Virginia for McCain.

0:45 TU: I am really tempted to watch the episode of Scrubs on Comedy central, its the musical one. I would like to take this moment to muse as to why the soap opera network is next to Fox News.

0:47 TU: CNBC stole a page from the Palin-Porno, Six pundits at once!

0:50 TU: Fox News: Bill Crystal, you have come a long way from When Harry Met Sally.

0:51 TU: The Weather Chanel is covering the weather in Florida and other battleground states, awesome.

0:54 TU: CNN: Wolf just named all the states on the Eastern Time Zone, fun fact, he is working on his GED right now.

0:55 TU: Radio France International has called Florida for Obama. This is True: As of Sunday (Dimanche) Their election map for 2000 recorded Florida as going to Gore.

0:58 TU: Rove alert on Fox News!

1:00 TU: Closing time, you don't have to go home, but you can't stay in the White House, unless you are Cheney.

1:01 TU: Errata, RFI has not called Florida for Obama, it is just yesterdays polls. Is it weird that I know the word for polls in French, but not the past tense?

1:12 TU: Rageoline has just called me a "the shower".

1:13 TU: Wolf Blitzer has just announced that 56% of 0% of West Virginia Voted for Obama! I am wondering if Bush has ever worn a sticker that says :"I Vetoed today". That would be clever.

1:16 TU: BET has the most civil election coverage I am seeing right now, why do the Republicans have a boys choir, at their party headquarters?

1:26 TU: VH1 Just told me to "not be an ass" and vote.

1:28 TU: CNBC has just told me that america need a president that will give them a hug.

1:30 TU: Polls close in Arkansas. Virginia, would you stop making love and turn in your results already.

1:35 TU: Telemundo is broadcasting a shot of a jumbo-tron with CNN on it, very bizarre.

1:39 TU: Apparently Barack Obama is playing in concert at Chicago's Grant Park, and MSNBC has just shown footage of everyone in Alaska voting.

1:45 TU: Rageoline says I'm so serious. Well, she doesn't know that MSNBC has a giant hollographic penis! Oh wait, thats Florida...

1:46 TU: MSNBC: "cut to the nut" ... tee hee.

1:52 TU: Rageoline has informed me that I am live-blogging it wrong, apparently the most recent post should be at top. I have Informed her that no one is reading this.

1:56 TU: Fox News: The orange in that jacket totally doesn't match fiscal conservative-ness of her hoop earrings!

1:59 TU: I didn't know that you could buy the giant ipod touch that they display in the Apple store windows. Cool fox news, cool!

2:00 TU: CNBC just dissed Obama's Kansas roots, that's cold!

2:04 TU: ESPN is running down the greatest moments in presidential history, and showing a consrvative bias, because apparently Eisenhower had no game, but Reagan brought it (even though Reagan is a girl's name).

2:07 TU: I totally want to be the guy who looks up all the state nick-names for these news organizations. They must make a mint by looking things up on Wikipedia.

2:10 TU: With Wolf and Anderson walking around to all these different stations, this is like the MOST INTENSE episode of Mr. Rogers ever. And picture-picture mated with Hal from 2001.

2:15 TU: Comedy Central is airing the episode of Futurama which Nixon steals benders body (get it?), and becomes re-elected. Foreshadow?

2:19 TU: Fox news has an even bigger IPod? What the hell.

2:23 TU: CNN: Its yellow dog Democrat, not bluedog democrat, there is no such thing as a blue dog! That is just absurd!

2:30 TU: Rageoline is going bye bye, which means I'll probably lose interest, there is only so many jokes one can make about a news network overcompensating with giant IPods and holographic penises.

9:49 RPT (real people time): Who is legs McGee on Fox News and why is she hitting on all the number crunchers? Oh snap, Carl Rove just busted a "flip-flop" up in here.

9:52 RPT: BET is booking Chuck D as an activist, which may be true, but is not the first thing that comes to my mind when you say Chuck D.

9:57: Chuck D just blew my mind.

9:59: Is Fox News using the 24 noise for its countdown clock?

10:01: Fox News just offered Carl Rove a cookie, i believe there is a childrens book about this. I also believe it ends in Nuclear war.

10:02: Daily Show coverage just began, this feels a bit meta.

10:11: Nutmeg state you say?

10:12: Things are winding down. Fox News has totally lost all its fight, I'm pretty sure Carl Rove has been drinking. Wolf Blitzer has gone to bed, so I think that it is time for me to untether myself from the computer. I would like to take a moment to thank all the folks who made this possible. This has been a historical election, and I owe thanks to Wolf Blitzer, Carl Rove, and the entire country of France. Of course I couldn't have done this without Rageoline and Snarkmonster, even if Snarky had "real things" to do, and had to write "stuff people would read". But most of all, I would like to thank the American people, whose appetite for getting information faster, louder, and on bigger computer screens has made this sublime process a spectacle truly worth screaming at.