Election "Live Blog" Post

Even though the only thing that grinds my gears more than small dogs is live-blogging, there is way to much rage to pass up a pass at election night coverage by the major 24-news networks.

I kicked off the night by having Ragoline tell me to turn on the TV becauseWolf Blitzer had just beamed up a correspondent. So I tuned in to watch fifteen minutes of Wolf pretending to talk to Sarah Yellin who was being green-screened in from Chicago. Someone is putting their MacBook Pro to good use.

0:31 TU: Apparently Wolf Blitzer has lost all of his power because Bill O'Rielly shaved his beard.

0:37 TU: Fox News, the star of tonight's post, has enlisted a doomsday clock to countdown the time until the polls close here on the east cost. And the Issues chanel apparently is wondering why Hillary lost, which makes me wonder what Issues refer to.

0:41 TU: Fox News is now joining the cognative world in calling West Virginia for McCain.

0:45 TU: I am really tempted to watch the episode of Scrubs on Comedy central, its the musical one. I would like to take this moment to muse as to why the soap opera network is next to Fox News.

0:47 TU: CNBC stole a page from the Palin-Porno, Six pundits at once!

0:50 TU: Fox News: Bill Crystal, you have come a long way from When Harry Met Sally.

0:51 TU: The Weather Chanel is covering the weather in Florida and other battleground states, awesome.

0:54 TU: CNN: Wolf just named all the states on the Eastern Time Zone, fun fact, he is working on his GED right now.

0:55 TU: Radio France International has called Florida for Obama. This is True: As of Sunday (Dimanche) Their election map for 2000 recorded Florida as going to Gore.

0:58 TU: Rove alert on Fox News!

1:00 TU: Closing time, you don't have to go home, but you can't stay in the White House, unless you are Cheney.

1:01 TU: Errata, RFI has not called Florida for Obama, it is just yesterdays polls. Is it weird that I know the word for polls in French, but not the past tense?

1:12 TU: Rageoline has just called me a "the shower".

1:13 TU: Wolf Blitzer has just announced that 56% of 0% of West Virginia Voted for Obama! I am wondering if Bush has ever worn a sticker that says :"I Vetoed today". That would be clever.

1:16 TU: BET has the most civil election coverage I am seeing right now, why do the Republicans have a boys choir, at their party headquarters?

1:26 TU: VH1 Just told me to "not be an ass" and vote.

1:28 TU: CNBC has just told me that america need a president that will give them a hug.

1:30 TU: Polls close in Arkansas. Virginia, would you stop making love and turn in your results already.

1:35 TU: Telemundo is broadcasting a shot of a jumbo-tron with CNN on it, very bizarre.

1:39 TU: Apparently Barack Obama is playing in concert at Chicago's Grant Park, and MSNBC has just shown footage of everyone in Alaska voting.

1:45 TU: Rageoline says I'm so serious. Well, she doesn't know that MSNBC has a giant hollographic penis! Oh wait, thats Florida...

1:46 TU: MSNBC: "cut to the nut" ... tee hee.

1:52 TU: Rageoline has informed me that I am live-blogging it wrong, apparently the most recent post should be at top. I have Informed her that no one is reading this.

1:56 TU: Fox News: The orange in that jacket totally doesn't match fiscal conservative-ness of her hoop earrings!

1:59 TU: I didn't know that you could buy the giant ipod touch that they display in the Apple store windows. Cool fox news, cool!

2:00 TU: CNBC just dissed Obama's Kansas roots, that's cold!

2:04 TU: ESPN is running down the greatest moments in presidential history, and showing a consrvative bias, because apparently Eisenhower had no game, but Reagan brought it (even though Reagan is a girl's name).

2:07 TU: I totally want to be the guy who looks up all the state nick-names for these news organizations. They must make a mint by looking things up on Wikipedia.

2:10 TU: With Wolf and Anderson walking around to all these different stations, this is like the MOST INTENSE episode of Mr. Rogers ever. And picture-picture mated with Hal from 2001.

2:15 TU: Comedy Central is airing the episode of Futurama which Nixon steals benders body (get it?), and becomes re-elected. Foreshadow?

2:19 TU: Fox news has an even bigger IPod? What the hell.

2:23 TU: CNN: Its yellow dog Democrat, not bluedog democrat, there is no such thing as a blue dog! That is just absurd!

2:30 TU: Rageoline is going bye bye, which means I'll probably lose interest, there is only so many jokes one can make about a news network overcompensating with giant IPods and holographic penises.

9:49 RPT (real people time): Who is legs McGee on Fox News and why is she hitting on all the number crunchers? Oh snap, Carl Rove just busted a "flip-flop" up in here.

9:52 RPT: BET is booking Chuck D as an activist, which may be true, but is not the first thing that comes to my mind when you say Chuck D.

9:57: Chuck D just blew my mind.

9:59: Is Fox News using the 24 noise for its countdown clock?

10:01: Fox News just offered Carl Rove a cookie, i believe there is a childrens book about this. I also believe it ends in Nuclear war.

10:02: Daily Show coverage just began, this feels a bit meta.

10:11: Nutmeg state you say?

10:12: Things are winding down. Fox News has totally lost all its fight, I'm pretty sure Carl Rove has been drinking. Wolf Blitzer has gone to bed, so I think that it is time for me to untether myself from the computer. I would like to take a moment to thank all the folks who made this possible. This has been a historical election, and I owe thanks to Wolf Blitzer, Carl Rove, and the entire country of France. Of course I couldn't have done this without Rageoline and Snarkmonster, even if Snarky had "real things" to do, and had to write "stuff people would read". But most of all, I would like to thank the American people, whose appetite for getting information faster, louder, and on bigger computer screens has made this sublime process a spectacle truly worth screaming at.