Rewind to 15 minutes ago: Holy crap, Wolf Blitzer has just beamed some woman onto the stage. It looked like R2D2 just vomited her up.
0:27 GMT: Wow, am I watching CNN election coverage or ESPN? I am mesmerized by your touch screen capabilities! You really know how to circle those hot spots with your finger Mr. my face resembles an old piece of ham with a toupée.
0:29: Stinkerton is trying to hold conversation with me about House and Obama having AIDS or something, but I am just too amazed by Wolf Blitzer's tiny stature compared to CNN's giant Poll Closing screen. We then discuss Blitzer's facial hair. I stopped typing for a second because I needed to scratch my head.
0:31 WOLF BLITZER WILL NOT STOP WALKING!!! OMG ANDERSON COOPER I LIKE SO TOTES LOVE HIM. HOW HIS HAIR SO WHITE?????
Um, are they discussing the election or are they currently at a Starbucks studying for the next econ exam? Why do these people need so many computers? Are you guys reading my live blogging? Please please say yes, I really want to win and have my precious words read aloud on TV.
0:33 This is dumb, let's see what's on Fox. This guy's voice is about to lull me into a deep and dark sleep. Oh a countdown clock until the next poll closing! These guys are so advanced!! Oh that lady appeared on a big screen, almost as good as a hologram, but not really. There are so many. things. on. the. screen. how. can. i. know.what.to.watch??? And why is the background so red? I get it, the Fox network is made up of communists, or Americans, or communist Americans, yeah, I'm pretty sure that's it.
0.36: Bloomberg, they are so advanced they are using Powerpoint or something like it!!! I can almost read the bullet points except for the ridiculously fast moving ticker at the bottom of the screen, Singapore? Wait a minute, why am I looking at a picture of McCain while hearing about Singapore? Too much finance! Next!
0:38: Ooo BBC! They are just so British I have to trust them on everything they say. There are so many crowds, is this Ascot? Where are all the funny hats? Wow, Cindy McCain not only looks like a resurrected skeleton wearing makeup, she also looks much younger than McCain. You know McCain, you really should have gone for an older woman so that you looked all young and buff in comparison. They are making some annoying jokes, skip!
0:41, wait a minute, this isn't the US election, this is the House of Commons!
0:42: That guy is wearing a purple tie on top of a purple shirt, fairly daring I'd say. Wow CNBC can use Powerpoint, extreme ticker scrolling, six pundit boxes, and moving backgrounds. I am wowed. Oh, and the yelling isn't distracting and obnoxious at all.
0:48 Have just stopped staring blankly into space to realize that CNBC has not one but two fast moving tickers. AND IT CONTINUES DURING THE COMMERCIAL BREAK!!
0:49 TV France, why are there Americans speaking right now? Why are Americans discussing the US Election on the show News & Magazines. Breaking News: Obama takes Vermont. O RLLY? Big freakin' whoop. What is the deal with these polls? Everyone keeps talking about these polls. Yes! Stupid Americans wearing baseball hats and gloves drinking bottled water TV!
0:52: Why am I having so much doing this (was going to edit to say "why am I having so much fun doing this, but it's funny the way it is)? Did I just admit that? On to Aljazeera, yes, I really care what this Australian dude has to say to the next US president. Oh, what fashionable coats and scarves. Ooo and a green tie. Aljazeera is winning the fashion prize tonight. Oh, things just got serious, time to switch again.
0:54: Russian TV, Cubans for Obama! Post Soviet split (how often have soviet and split been in the same sentence?) on who they want next
0:55: I just don't know what channel I'm watching now but the woman said "very unique" which doesn't make sense (if something is unique there is nothing else like it, there cannot be different levels of uniqueness). Whatever this channel is, it looks like it was recorded off of someone else's TV and then re-aired via Skype. Their ticker doesn't even fully fit on my screen and is not moving at all. Lame.
0:57: OMG It's Carl Rove on Fox News. How can I turn from you Rovey? What is that tie you are wearing? It's orange with some sort of pattern on it, and your microphone looks kind of like a spider so it's kind of like you've prepared for Halloween, which was on Friday dude. OMG less than a minute until the next polls close!!!!!!!!!! ELECTION ALERT!!!
1:01: Rove isn't speaking anymore, I can't watch this channel. Yes EuroNews is en francais!! Le woOt (remember folks, that t is silent). Oui c'est toute a fait logique. Ouch, it feels like I have a splinter inside of a really painful blister. Ah Non! Les polls sont fermes en New Jersey!
1:04: Damnit! The Welsh channel has gone to bed, I guess I'm not getting my coverage from those guys. Stinkerton gets to watch the Daily Show's live coverage. I have to wait until tomorrow :(
1:08: Ham face is back on CNN! Who let these guys upload Kid Pix onto their fancy schmancy screens? Do you guys remember Kid Pix? It was amazing! I wish I had it on my computer right now so that I could fill my screen with purply slinky like things. Oh yes, the election, so much screaming!!! Stinkerton lets me know that the word for "polls" in French is "sondage." Well did you know that the French for "douche" is "le douche?" SNAP!
1:12: Stinkerton asked if I called him a shower. Nope! Shower="la douche" not "le douche." Note the difference spam breath.
1:13 Is it Christmas? Was that the national anthem? Oh just the Phoenix Boys Choir. It sounded really creepy in the background. O-HI-O! Did any of you ever learn that song in middle school where you sing all the states' names in alphabetical order? Cuz I did. Did you realize that West Virginia was a state? Because I forget that it is almost every day. Every time I reach the end of the song I go, "oh yeah, there's an extra one of those Virginias."
1:18: Ugh, commercials about gorillas and Egypt and stuff. You should read Supreme Courtship by Christopher Buckley. It's pretty funny.
1:22: Back to Fox for the clock, ooo 6:30 to go!!
1:25: We've been live blogging for an hour now! I feel so productive!!!! Working on papers and presentations tomorrow is going to be awesome! I love exclamation marks!!! BBC has a "flurry of projections" Awww Barack cast a vote for himself!! Hey spellchecker, you might want to start recognizing Barack and Obama as real names.
1:29: CNBC=channel with most use of hair dye and styling products. It is also the most unintentionally hilarious. "Barack brings a different color (literally)." "Diplomacy is a very important game." Have you guys ever played Diplomacy? Maybe I'm pulling out my total nerd points right now, but I think it rules. CNBC also argues more. Has their logo changed since the last time I was watching? Oh no, they just have two different logos to accompany their two tickers. Patriotic music! I feel inspired to send my absentee ballot in all over again two weeks ago!!!
1:33: I have found the ultimate election coverage!! The Celtics game!!!
1:40: Pee break! Isn't live blogging so awesome? You get allll the details. Stinkerton and I should be paid to do this. So, let's see what's happening now. There's lots of flag waving and fist pumping in Pennsylvania...wait a second, NO! Those people are not just doing a regular fist pump, they are CERTAINLY jihadists!! No, it's already happening. We are totes screwed America.
1:45: Celtics 4, Houston 8, Garnett, did you forget to eat your peanut butter and jelly today? Oh nope, now they scored. Um, I get the feeling that live blogging and basketball just don't go together.
1:48: I just realized that it is now Guy Fawkes day in the UK! Yay for backyard bonfires and fire works!
1:53: I should probably split this into two posts, but I'm getting cranky because it's late and I don't wanna. Stinkerton and I have also realized that we've gotten the live blogging formatting kind of wrong, but it doesn't matter because IT IS DUMB! Is this major commercial time? Every single channel has commercials, oh wait Fox won't because they have the clock!
2:00: Sooo tired, must stay awake. Must make it to two hour mark. "Electoral bonanza" on CNN. Hey, did someone add an electoral vote game to Wii Play? Because that's what it sounds like.
2:04: Hah, John Sununu defeated. That's a funny name. CNBC and CNN are beginning to blend together. They both begin with "CN" (Wait, so does Cartoon Network!! Why don't they have that here?), and they both have lots of beards. "The country's grown up." Wait, that sounded serious. Let's bring this down a knotch. Anderson Cooper is standing up while all the little econ students continue to sit in their little Starbucks!! How come Blitzer gets to play video games while these guys have to cram together at one table on bar stools?
2:07: I am kind of amazed by obvious statements being made on CNN: "We could possibly see the first black president, but we don't know yet." Did you guys not realize this until right now? Well there must be hope for me in this world if you can get onto CNN with only a second grade education.
2:10: When I rule the world and control all of the dictionaries I will ban the words "maverick" and "rogue." "Maverick" will say: "see Douche," and if you are lucky enough to have a copy of the M volume of the Oxford English Dictionary (OED), you will find, "Maverick: once meaning rebel, however the word lost its meaning after douchebag John McCain used it in reference to himself over and over again. See: douche, douchebag, Miss. Congeniality"
2:16: TV France, British correspondent speaks with obnoxious McCain supporter-ugly tie, baseball hat with McCain and Palin proudly showing, "I believe that McCain can still pull this out." Correspondent: "You believe he can pull this out?" "Yes, he can pull this out." Yeah Obama can use the internet! I wonder if he reads live blogging?
4:30: Oh no! After a strange electoral shift McCain has won!! I guess he did "pull this out."
2:23: Just kidding. It's not even 2:30. I've passed the two hour mark which means I can go to bed! CNN is playing Hank Williams right now, definitely a sign that I'm done and need to go to bed. I guess you imaginary readers will have to analyze the coverage on your own! Unless Stinkerton keeps this up. And for the record, Boston 45, Houston 39.
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