Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Dark Knight, another terrible movie

This weekend, I ventured to the movie theater where I watched, accompanied only by a tumble weed, the silver screen equivalent of Moose Murders, the new installment in the trite Batman franchise, The Dark Knight. The movie makers rushed this film so much in hopes of making a quick buck, that they practically caused the death of actor Heath Ledger. I don't completely understand all the hype over this young man, if Danny DiVito had died in the post-production of Batman Returns you wouldn't have cared.

One sign of a rushed movie, is that they decided to reuse the overdone villain the Joker. While the Joker is Batman's original and defining nemesis, there are no shortages of portrayals of this white-faced mass murderer, and there are so many other colorful villains and the Batman pantheon to draw form. After dipping into the lesser know characters, Ras Al Ghul and The Scarecrow, for Batman Begins I was hoping that Hollywood would be ready to bring some of Batman's adversaries to light.

Imagine, if instead of Heath Ledgers horrifying face appearing on the screen, we were treated to another portrayal of the classic character Clayface. This animated tennis court was once an actor but because of his dependence on an experimental cosmetic product transforms into a giant autonomous clay figure. The emotional range it takes to portray the desperation and the anguish that this character goes through, would require an actor of at least the caliber of Kenneth Branaugh.

I'm sure, like all bad movies, that there will of course be a sequel. Maybe they'll choose to remake more villains from the other movies, such as Mr Freeze, the tragic story of boy meets girl, girl dies, boy uses his advanced knowledge of cryogenics to kill people, later becoming governor of California. Or Poison Ivy, whose magical vagina always seems to come between Batman and his trusty sidekick, Robin. Maybe they'll try to revitalize this movie series by introducing to always fresh character Batgirl!

Interestingly enough, the movie grossed 155 Million dollars over the weekend, that must have been one wealthy tumble weed.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Summer Movie Breakdown

There is no air conditioning in my apartment, so naturally I have been doing pretty much anything to stay out of the heat. This means spending hours in Starbucks, at the supermarket, and going to movies, even if they are bad. So, In tonight's feature, I sum up the pain that I have felt from the third row of the AMC Cinema in Kenmore square.

Indiana Jones and the Legend of Pickle Shaped Skulls (PG 13)
A taste of the good old days, when movies were simple and adventurous, and did not carry any regard for foreign cultures or physics or the fact that refrigerators can't open from the inside. Way to make money George Lucas!

Why is Harrison Ford still so damn beautiful?

You Don't Mess With the Happy Gilmore (PG13 because the kids are alright)
A buffed up Adam Sandler sensitively shows that even if you are a soldier who knows nothing but war, you can still achieve your dreams... as long as you have sex with enough old ladies. I can smell the Oscar from here.

Wanted (R for pointless cursing, violence, and really skinny people)
A movie that sets the bar just high enough to smack its face into. I will use basic math to explain how bad this movie is:
Wanted = Fight Club + Matrix = Why did you think this was a good idea?
James MacAvoy ≠ Badass
Angelina Jolie = ± A Zombie
What have you done lately?

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

How much do you hate your family?

Do you hate them enough to not send them to not send them a Christmas card? How about to leave them out of your will? If that isn't spiteful enough, you could force them to spend all of your money on charity. Not poetic enough? If you really want to twist the knife, you could always force them to spend every penny you have on your bichon friez.

That is what Leona Helmsley did with her multi-billion dollar hotel fortune. If you are not familiar with the story, after Leona died last year, she allocated her ~6 Billion dollar estate to charities that benefit dogs, saving 6 million for her own toy pooch.

This story angers me on many levels.

First, small dogs are dumb. They usually rank somewhere between an accessory and a stuffed animals on the food chain, even though they will try to eat both. They lack the charm of cats and larger dogs, and if you are too codepended to be a cat person, the game ended for you a long time ago. If you are not convinced: Beverly Hills Chiwawa.

Second, what about people? I don't care that she gave all her money to charity. "Immature" doesn't quite seem to cover a multi billion dollar slap in the face to your own kin and beloved, but they probably don't really need it anyway. 6 Billion dollars could help a lot of PEOPLE. There are countries with GPCs less than 6 Billion dollars. She could have actually bought everybody a coke, and still have enough to feed her pets for the next 70 bajillion dog-years.

There certainly are good charities for animals. But, as the Times reports, Helmsley's estate is more than ten times the value of every animal related non-profit in the country. (I'm not sure if this includes the one where Bob Barker spays you cat) There is certainly a better way of dealing with your money, your pets, and your family.

...At least she was ugly...