P. Diddy needs something better to do with his time

P. Diddy (aka Puff Daddy/diddy/Sean "Puffy" Combs/Sean Combs/Sean John??) has recently come out with a new fragrance entitled I Am King. He created a $500,000 mini-movie for it. This may be more extreme than the Nicole Kidman Chanel No. 5 commercial mentioned in my last post.

I am not all that surprised by this mini-movie. However, it's not simply intended to sell cologne...it's also an audition for him to become the next James Bond. In case you haven't seen this gem, here it is:


In an article in the Times, Diddy explains his motivation for wanting to become the next Bond (and tries to promote I Am King). The author discusses the election results and how proud and joyful Diddy felt on November 4. Now let's go over the aspects of the interview that filled me with rage:

"Combs believes that if a black man can enter the Oval Office, then a black man can become James Bond. And that man is him."
Hmm, so instead of a young black teenager thinking that he might not face as much discrimination on a day to day basis, or might have a better chance at getting a great job, or believing his parents when they tell him that he could in fact be president one day, he can instead look forward to becoming James Bond. Congratulations P. Diddy, you have really set some high-class priorities.

He later slightly compares himself to Obama:
"I remind Combs that he recently said that when people see Obama, they see a strong and elegant black man. Is that the way he views himself? He points to a picture of him in the white tux, the same one looming over Times Square. 'Yeah, I mean that's the way I view the images.'"

This is the same man who later describes I Am King as "the best juice you can wear on your body." Yeah, that's elegant all right. So let me get things straight here, this:

is equivalent to this (in terms of elegance of course):


Okay, I've gone way off track. Back to the James Bond thing. My first response to P. Diddy wanting to become the next James Bond was, "Doesn't this douchebag know that James Bond is British?" (You're saying, 'Sean Connery was Scottish!" That is still part of the UK my friends. 'Lazenby was Australian!' Part of the Commonwealth. 'Brosnan was Irish!' Geographically close enough. As long as you can get that swagger going, you're good). I read further and discovered that Diddy had, of course, developed a mini-plot.

Here's an excerpt from the interview: '"Yeah, I mean, it's about time. You know, white people aren't the only people who have to save the world, or be president. You know, I think that James Bond from London should be sent on a mission to come to New York and should meet me, black Bond....he should get kidnapped, and I should save HIS ass.'"

Oh, but he doesn't want to get rid of Daniel Craig, "he should just know that he has a counterpart in the United States."

Um, I have a few responses to this:

1) Has he ever watched a James Bond movie? A US counterpart to Bond already exists, and his name is Felix Leiter, who is sometimes played by a black actor. In fact, he has saved James Bond's ass several times.

2) JAMES BOND IS BRITISH! How many US spies/action heroes/saviors/captains of the universe do you need? In almost every movie ever, some US dude has rolled up at the end to save everything. What do the British have? Hugh Grant, Colin Firth, and Orlando Bloom. For crying out loud, let the British have James Bond. I have nothing against the idea of the next James Bond being black, but he can't be American. In fact, I think other members of the former British Empire should be arguing for a slice of that shaken-not-stirred martini. India, don't you think you deserve some of the action? How about you China? Egypt?

3) P. Diddy clearly does not understand the essence of James Bond. He actually likes Daniel Craig, who is a great action star, but not a real Bond. Where is the charisma? The puns? The getting away from the enemy on one ski? Would Diddy be able to say something like "shocking" after electrocuting a bad guy? His mini-movie shows that Bond is all about fancy suits, casinos, jet skis, helicopters, and models. But it's not. It's about beeing cheesy, suave, a little bit sleezy, and most of all, British. Plus, am I really supposed to be intimidated by this:

So get over yourself P. Diddy and try doing something useful with yourself instead of making some stupid perfume and trying to pass it off as manly. As someone once said, "Mo Money, mo problems." Hmm, if only I could remember who said that.