You are extremely NOT welcome!!

Oh, hi there! I'm sorry, I was too busy being distracted by how annoying this post is to see you there. Do you own a bike? Do you ride it in the city? If the answer is No, then welcome. Have a seat, or keep standing and continue to read on your mobile device. If the answer is Yes, then please stay the hell away from me. I drive a car and am proud of it. It's bad enough having to have a biker as a roommate, I don't want any reading this blog.

So, to start things off, here is my first subject of rage:

Flan

Flan is so dumb, it doesn't even have a page on Wikipedia. Take that, flan. I don't really even understand what it is, and I've eaten it. It's a strange color and the texture is disgusting. If you've ever eaten flan, you will know that it also has an oozing liquid, which leaks out of the side of it. This reminds me of fruit on the bottom yogurt, where you have that extra yogurt juice, which isn't quite yogurt, and doesn't really resemble any of the fruit from the bottom. I know you know which juice I'm referring to.

It also jiggles and does not look or taste real. It looks like something you should find at an office supply store and tastes like an envelope. Oh, you complain that I'm being vague and not descriptive enough? Well that is how flan tastes: vague. I do like foods tha jiggle. Believe me, I love Jell-O with or without liquor in it. But it usually comes in bright colors and delicious artificial flavors. Plus it doesn't have any of that awful pus juice.

Here is an example of the jiggling:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqrbO-NBQWU

See, gross. This is what my dashboard dictionary has to say about Flan:

1) A baked dish consisisting of an open-topped pastry case with a savory or sweet filling
2) A disk of metal such as one from which a coin is made
Origin: From French (originally denoting a round cake) from old French flaon, from Medieval Latin flado, fladon, of West Germanic origin: related to Dutch vlade 'custard'

Mmm nothing hits the spot like pastry case or a disk of metal. You may be thinking "But Rageoline, the origin of the word shows that flan has existed for quite some time and so must be a beloved and treasured dessert." Absolutely not. Here is what I think actually happened:

The Dutch: Yuk, my attempt to make currency has failed and turned into nothing but goop, we shall pass this onto the Germans as they are gullible and divided. Of course they will believe us, we've been to Asia and stuff.

The Germans: This is terrible, those Dutch are real bastards. You know who we hate? The French. I bet we can pretend to insult them, they'll totally fall for it, and they shall adopt this dessert as their own (very similar to Bismarck's actual strategy).

The French: Okay, not even we could make this good. Maybe we can give it to the Spanish?

The Spanish: This is fantastico!!! It is the only dessert that has survived our climate so far! And oh, we can totally sell this to those Argentines...they love bland and flavorless things.

So there you go, the complete and accurate history of flan. For all those people who like flan, go eat something real with chocolate.