Snark Monster Sez: Get These Hos Out of My Job Application System!

So say I got a job opening for a party in my pants.

--Granted, this is all metaphorical so you internet pervballs can understand what I'm talking about.--

So I got this opening in my pants, but there's only so much room in there for potential hires--ya know? Three to a thigh, five in the middle, and ten down the back. It's a huge party and now it's booked up. I don't want to be seeing any more of these stinkin' ho resumes.

But then a friend swings by, "Hey Man, I got the sickest of the sick, A-plus-plus ho for you. You'll love him. You gotta let him into the party."

And I'm all like, "But Dude, I just closed this shit up! Now I have to put a call in to HR to get them to let down the zipper to get one more party person inside past all the other people waiting at my velvet shoelace's rope to get in!"

And Dude's all like, "This guy is the king of parties--like that f*in' Aussie kid good."

And so I'm like, "Fine, fine. I'll put in a call to HR."

So I'm plotting with my HR lady to sneak a fast one by them all and let this party boy through. And I think I'm being all swift--"Let's open it at night, call the guy real fast and have him jump the queue and then we'll pull the zipper back up right quick."

So I hit all the necessary buttons on my keyboard, get Ms. Thang in HR to let down my drawbridge, put my call in to Party Boy, "Yo, let's do this." Dot every fucking T and cross all the Is.

And I think I'm all slick sitting down at my computer this morning, ready to celebrate with Party Boy for making it in, close that shit out and be done with it. But what do you think is sitting in my inbox? A six pack for a job well done?

Hells, no!

It's an email from one of the velvet shoelace hos! Don't you know it, she's been squatting on our hiring page, all night long refreshing until she sees the backdoor slide open. And what does she throw my way? A fucking passive aggressive parade!

"I applied for this position back in March {sound the kazoos!} and was told that the position was currently on hold {here come the baton twirlers!}. But now I see from your website that the position is open again {here comes the marching band!!}. Are you accepting applications again?! {Oh snap! It's the clown car!} And ARE YOU STILL CONSIDERING ME FOR THIS JOB?!? I SWEAR I'M NOT DESPERATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! {Clowns everywhere! It's a fucking red nose apocalypse!}"

I got two words for you Honey: Chill & Pill. Find it. Take one. It's fucking Friday, my friend. And I've got a party in my pants.