What you should know about this medicine: Side effects=ultimate lame

Every now and then you'll be watching one of your favorite shows on TV and along will come an advert for a prescription medication for some sort of awkward disease or condition. The announcer will try to subtly and soothingly go over the long list of potential side effects, or the side effects will simply flash up briefly on the bottom of the screen. The hand-holding couple or the smiling elderly woman will hope to distract you from the side effects. But once you've paid attention, you can no longer ignore the fact that the SIDE EFFECTS ARE EFFIN' SCARY! So, your insomnia might go away, but you might gain heart problems and massive headaches? Or you might die? Or you might get anxious? Ladies, did you know that if you go on antibiotics you might get a yeast infection? Then you will need yet another prescription to counter the side effects of your original prescription. FUN! 

Of course I can't avoid prescription medications at times, but they never cease to anger me. I went to the doctor on Thursday and discovered that I have some sort of neurodermatitis. Basically, anxiety and stress have caused me to develop a minor skin condition, meaning that my skin gets incredibly red and itchy for no real reason. Awesome! Who would have believed, that me, someone nicknamed Rageoline, would ever be prone to stress or anxiety? I informed the doctor that Benadryl makes this all go away but makes me incredibly drowsy. He prescribed another antihistamine, which is supposed to help me out. I practically skipped out of the doctor's office with my little prescription paper in hand.

Then I picked up the prescription and checked out the little information pamphlet and was filled with some minor rage. Here's why:

"Why I have been prescribed this medicine?" 

"Ucerax can be used in the treatment of anxiety in adults and also to treat pruritus (itch) in adults and children."

Okay, so we've established that it treats anxiety and "itch." Now, moving on to possible side effects:

1) Drowsiness-Yes! The very reason I started taking this one was to avoid drowsiness, gee thanks doc.

2) A dry mouth

3) Blurred Vision

4) Constipation

5) Urinary retention

6) Abnormal liver function-!!!!!! OMG!!!

7) Weakness/Fatigue-I can't wait!

8) Malaise

9) Allergic reaction/Shock (racing heart, cold and pale/Bronchospasm (breathing difficulty)-oh crap, oh and way to over-parenthesize and forget to close one section up instructions

10) Headache

11) Insomnia (difficulty sleeping)-hmm, as I seem to remember part of the reason I went to the doctor was because I was having difficulty sleeping because of this condition?

12) Allergy skin swelling-hold on a second...

13) Confusion

14) Disorientation

15) Itching-WTF??? You're telling me, that my anti-itch prescription might cause itching? 

16) Tremor (shaking)

17) Agitation-again, WTF? Isn't this supposed to treat anxiety to a small extent?

18) Rash (eruption of the skin)-I really don't remember what this medication is supposed to treat anymore

19) Convulsions

20) Hallucination

21) Increased heart rate

22) Nausea

23) Abnormal movements-what does this even mean?

24) Low blood pressure (feeling dizzy on standing)

25) Vomiting

26) Fever

27) Sweating increase

Perhaps I was merely confused, disoriented, or hallucinating, but did I just count twenty-seven possible side effects? Either the company that makes Ucerax really wants to make sure its ass is covered in case of a lawsuit or they just don't know what their medicine is supposed to do. I am so comforted knowing that I could start shaking or sweating at any moment. That should really help calm my anxiety down. Perhaps I'll call my doctor at some point but I'm just feeling too filled with malaise at the moment to do anything about it.