How wrong was I!

It's finally Oscar night! I'm so excited, I just got to watch three hours of Tim from Project Runway pretend that it is cool for Penelope Cruz to wear an 8 year old dress, and it is finally time for Hugh Jackman to come on to stage! Oh my god Hugh Jackman! He is singing AND dancing! This is amazing! He can pick up Ann Hathaway? That means he can totally lift, like, 35 lbs!

Oh, but now it is time for the first award! The counsel of elder supporting actresses had come out to present the award. It is my first opportunity to be wrong, and I do so brilliantly! Penelope Cruz! But she is wearing fashions from eight years ago! I suppose this is great for her though, it is amazing that she has overcome our latent stereotypes: that Woody Allen movies can't have good acting. I guess she was channeling Jarvier Bardem, that must be what she is saying in Spanish.

Why are the writing awards now? Is the Academy finally admiting that they don't give a shit about writers? How come space chimps didn't get nominated for an Oscar? Damn you Wall-E! Well maybe they should have been Kung-fu space chimps! I am totally copyrighting that! Don't steal it, this idea is going to put my kids through college!

Now for the technical awards which no one really understands what they mean, and usually get thrown away to whoever spent the most money. Daniel Craig and Sarah Jessica Parker are on stage, I would totally sleep with one of those people. I'll let you guess which one. Benjamin Button just got its first win for make-up, because it was difficult to make Brad Pitt look any more like a twelve year old?

Now, Fifteen minutes of Seth Rogen and James Franco are pretending to be funny again. There is something about them smoking pot and watching every major Hollywood movie produced last year. I don't remember there being this much self advertising in the Oscars. When did Meryl Streep become the new Jack Nicholson? Hugh Jackman has acknowledged her existence way too much. I guess this is what happens when get a Broadway star to host... speaking of which he is now dancing with Beyonce. I might be wrong about the Milk thing, this has been the gayest Oscars ever.

What is it with this whole award gang-bang thing that they have going on? Why do they need five best supporting actors give a dead guy an award? By the way... I totally called this one! This makes me 1-1! But then again, this has been coming since last April. You go ahead and cry Ann Hathaway! You'll probably have to die before they give you any awards.

It's time for the Documentaries, which means its time to check out what else is on TV. Bill Marr... Blah blah blah... Ooooh, shiney car chases and... Benjamin Button won for visual effects? Did you see Slumdog Millionaire? They somehow got that girls skin to get like 8 shades lighter as she grew up! That is totally the same thing as Benjamin Button! Oh, they just took film editing, which is like visual effects but artsy-er.

Now we get a Jerry Lewis montage with Viva La Vida. Which gives me an idea: we should totally neuter Coldplay! Oh man, and that guy totally just prayed to Allah on stage! Here go the ridiculous best song performances! At least they are all Bollywood, which adapts very well to cheesy stagyness. Oh man! They are keeping the Bollywood dancers and beat for the Wall-E song. The auto-tuner is messing up on this guy, way to pull a Kanye! I just got my second call right: Slumdog swept the songs!

Slumdog just took best director, who apparently is the whitest dude ever. Here goes the line-up of former best actress women, they are not nearly as old as the supporting actresses, and a little more French. Oh, damn, Kate got it making me 2-2. But I have my revenge as she now has to fight all the previous Best Actresses to the death. Funny story, this tradition is where Adrien Brody broke his nose.

Ouch! I just lost the best actor too? This is terrible! At least Sean Penn agrees with me that it makes no sense that he won. And Best Picture! I totally blame Stephen Speilberg for this one. Even though it is small consolation that a good movie won.

So to recap, Slumdog Millionaire was the big winner, and I was a loser going 2-3 in my picks for oscars.

Statues of Naked People

February is a surprisingly good month for TV. The prime time season is in full swing, and they have moved on from unveiling new characters to giving hints as to whom they are going to kill off for the season finale. The biggest night on television is this weekend, the Super Bowl, where the nations companies compete to see who can make the best 30 sec video. However, there is another film-making competition, later this month: the 81^st Academy Awards. (Right: Jarvier Bardem tries to give Oscar a boner)

This mother of all award shows, the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences' annual presentation ceremony dwarfs all other awards. The Golden Globes can't possibly compete and the Grammies are nothing but more proof that Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences is just a party school (Yale to AMPAS' Harvard). There is no greater display of opulence than watching the red carpet to see who Jennifer Antison is wearing, and whom Billy Bob Thorton is wearing!

In honour of this great sceptical, I am going to help feed your gambling addiction by making forecasts as to who is going to win what. So grab some pop-corn, call your bookie, and bask in my wisdom. I will tell you who is going to get their hand on that fabulous golden naked man.

Best Actress in a Supporting Role
While Taraji Henson probably gave the only noteworthy performance in Benjamin Button, I'm going to go with Amy Adams: "What's that Mr. Squirrel? Philip Seymour Hoffman is putting his thing up little boys rectories? Oh my!"

Best Actor in a Supporting Role
While Josh Brolin is over-due for one of these things, the Academy doesn't seem to have their head on straight for this category: They receive an epic fail with Robert Downey jr as their token minority pick. And while Philip Seymour Hoffman touched me with his part in Doubt, being killed by an Olsen twin will give Heath Ledger the edge he needs.

Best Actress in a leading Role
Since Bride Wars bombed so bad, I'm assuming that Ann Hathaway is nominated for Get Smart, which she was out-shown by Steve Carell, The Rock, Alan Arkin, and that little Asian dude from Heroes. And while Kate Winslet is on a roll (role?) this year, Catholic is a slightly lesser evil than Nazi Guard/Pedophile in Hollywood. So the Oscar goes to Meryl Streep.


Best Actor in a Leading Role
I have no idea who The Visitor is, so I assume what's his face is not going to get it, and there is no way that a guy playing Richard Nixon will get it (those wounds are far too fresh). Mickey Rourke won the Golden Globe, and that is a dumb award, so nope. While Sean Penn won the Screen Actors Guild Award, the Academy are pussies when it comes to political issues, and thus will pass up Milk for the sadly predictable Brad Pitt in Benjamin Button. In Brads defence, I haven't seen narration like that since Ron Howard on Arrested Developement.

Best Picture
There has been a lot of buzz about Slumdog Millionaire, the movie which has been a breath of Bollywood air on this rather stale season. Slumdog will definitely sweep the Original Song, and original score for their deft use of MIA. However, I'm going to say that Benjamin Button is going to win, because the Academy is boring.

I could go on to call things like Best Sound Mixing or editing, but who knows what any of these things mean (What the hell is a Foreign Film?). So I will have to leave you with these predictions and let time test my knowledge of Hollywood.