I just don't know anymore

I have never fully understood perfume. Yes, it can smell nice in small amounts. It can spruce up an evening out, I guess. Or it can make you smell like a grandma. Any time I go to a mall I hurriedly sprint through the perfume section, hoping that one of the salespeople doesn't manage to squirt me with anything after asking, "Would you care to try our new fragrance?" Perhaps it's because I have sensitive sinuses and anything too overpowering makes me sneeze, but I just never really understood the hype.

This typically doesn't tend to be a problem. I don't know if I have ever gotten into a conversation with anyone under 50 about buying different perfumes. But all of a sudden the advertising industry has decided that I must buy perfume and lots of it. I thought this was some sort of British phenomenon until I came back to the states for the holidays and realized that it is everywhere. Has perfume all of a sudden become ridiculously popular? Or does the credit crunch mean that people have to find new and less expensive ways to feel glamorous? Well, I can't go on vacation anymore, but if I buy x perfume I'll feel confident and sexy and it'll be like I'm on vacation every day!

What drives me insane is the sheer amount of these perfume ads. Every day I will see a new one that I had never seen before. This has created an avalanche of over the top, obnoxious, and long fragrance commercials, which dominate pretty much all ad time. When salespeople and cool looking bottles aren't doing the trick, TV commercials are the way to go. The problem is that potential customers can't smell the product so somehow their attention needs to be grabbed. They have kept getting more and more extreme and I no longer know which fragrance I should be wearing.

Here are some samples. I have ordered them in what I consider to be least to most extreme:

Here is a relatively simple one for Chloé Eau de Parfum with a CSS song in the background. Somehow the model's dancing/hair flipping doesn't quite suit the music.

Bond Girl 007 from Avon: apparently a more adventurous fragrance. No celebrity in the commercial but it does play off of Quantum of Solace.


A Touch of Pink from Lacoste: A little more action in this one. Stupid little preppy dress with a girl who sounds like she never properly learned how to speak.


Fuel for Life by Diesel: There are about a thousand different ads almost exactly like this one.


Magnifique by Lancome: Oooo a celebrity! It's Ann Hathaway and a really annoying song!


Inspire by Christina Aguilera: She wants you to know that she can play this game too.



Diamonds from Armani: Even more glamorous than Magnifique, here is Beyoncé going completely over the top.


J'adore by Dior: You know what would trump Beyoncé's ad? Charlize Theron getting naked:


Insolence by Guerlain: Hilary Swank wants you to know that she can get naked too, with awful music in the background.


Chanel No. 5: The ultimate annoying and most extreme perfume ad (and possibly most extreme ad in general) out there. Baz Luhrman+Nicole Kidman+randome dude+too much money=a poorly acted Moulin Rouge ripoff with a slightly hotter lead male role. Oh, did I mention that the ad is 3 minutes long?


You may be thinking, "Geez Rageoline, you kind of went over the top with all those videos." But you know what? These videos represent only a fraction of the crappy commercials that I have to see every time I turn on the TV. How am I supposed to decide which stupid fragrance I should purchase? The whole purpose of a perfume commercial kind of becomes irrelevant once the competition creates their own commercials. Hopefully this phenomenon will end after Christmas, or else I might just go crazy.

What you should know about this medicine: Side effects=ultimate lame

Every now and then you'll be watching one of your favorite shows on TV and along will come an advert for a prescription medication for some sort of awkward disease or condition. The announcer will try to subtly and soothingly go over the long list of potential side effects, or the side effects will simply flash up briefly on the bottom of the screen. The hand-holding couple or the smiling elderly woman will hope to distract you from the side effects. But once you've paid attention, you can no longer ignore the fact that the SIDE EFFECTS ARE EFFIN' SCARY! So, your insomnia might go away, but you might gain heart problems and massive headaches? Or you might die? Or you might get anxious? Ladies, did you know that if you go on antibiotics you might get a yeast infection? Then you will need yet another prescription to counter the side effects of your original prescription. FUN! 

Of course I can't avoid prescription medications at times, but they never cease to anger me. I went to the doctor on Thursday and discovered that I have some sort of neurodermatitis. Basically, anxiety and stress have caused me to develop a minor skin condition, meaning that my skin gets incredibly red and itchy for no real reason. Awesome! Who would have believed, that me, someone nicknamed Rageoline, would ever be prone to stress or anxiety? I informed the doctor that Benadryl makes this all go away but makes me incredibly drowsy. He prescribed another antihistamine, which is supposed to help me out. I practically skipped out of the doctor's office with my little prescription paper in hand.

Then I picked up the prescription and checked out the little information pamphlet and was filled with some minor rage. Here's why:

"Why I have been prescribed this medicine?" 

"Ucerax can be used in the treatment of anxiety in adults and also to treat pruritus (itch) in adults and children."

Okay, so we've established that it treats anxiety and "itch." Now, moving on to possible side effects:

1) Drowsiness-Yes! The very reason I started taking this one was to avoid drowsiness, gee thanks doc.

2) A dry mouth

3) Blurred Vision

4) Constipation

5) Urinary retention

6) Abnormal liver function-!!!!!! OMG!!!

7) Weakness/Fatigue-I can't wait!

8) Malaise

9) Allergic reaction/Shock (racing heart, cold and pale/Bronchospasm (breathing difficulty)-oh crap, oh and way to over-parenthesize and forget to close one section up instructions

10) Headache

11) Insomnia (difficulty sleeping)-hmm, as I seem to remember part of the reason I went to the doctor was because I was having difficulty sleeping because of this condition?

12) Allergy skin swelling-hold on a second...

13) Confusion

14) Disorientation

15) Itching-WTF??? You're telling me, that my anti-itch prescription might cause itching? 

16) Tremor (shaking)

17) Agitation-again, WTF? Isn't this supposed to treat anxiety to a small extent?

18) Rash (eruption of the skin)-I really don't remember what this medication is supposed to treat anymore

19) Convulsions

20) Hallucination

21) Increased heart rate

22) Nausea

23) Abnormal movements-what does this even mean?

24) Low blood pressure (feeling dizzy on standing)

25) Vomiting

26) Fever

27) Sweating increase

Perhaps I was merely confused, disoriented, or hallucinating, but did I just count twenty-seven possible side effects? Either the company that makes Ucerax really wants to make sure its ass is covered in case of a lawsuit or they just don't know what their medicine is supposed to do. I am so comforted knowing that I could start shaking or sweating at any moment. That should really help calm my anxiety down. Perhaps I'll call my doctor at some point but I'm just feeling too filled with malaise at the moment to do anything about it. 

The Ultimate Rageworthy person

=Stinkerton

Canada, Americas' Russia

Rageoline has informed me that Canada and Russia are nothing alike. I say NAY (like a horse), and that there are a plethora of comparisons that can be drawn between the two countries. The first and most obvious is that they are both very large and very covered in ice. Superman's fortress of solitude is in Canada, and Stalin is from Russia. Both of them are nick named: "man of steel"! Eerie!

Less superficial, they both have had failed coups. Russia had the Russian revolution, and the Canadians have Quebec! Both have had border disputes with a the USA. Canada and the US have decided to have their border along the 48th paralell, and the US and Russia have divided most of the Eastern Hemisphere. Russia was once ruled by the Mongoles, a nomadic people whose empire spanned most of Asia. Canada was once ruled by England, a nomadic people whose empire annoyed the entire world.

Both cultures are very fond of their beards and seafoods. Russia in particular has been trying to controle a warm-water port for five centuries, and Canada has been trying to controle Newfundland for just as long.

So in conclusion the two countries are very similar, and you can make any arguement you set your mind to!

Zuckerberg's Law of Useless Information

Now that the election is finally over, it is safe for people in the media to talk about other things, even though there are a few stragglers who think they can still turn heads by trying to call the hotly contested race for first dog. Normally this would be the sort of thing to set me on an acid spewing rant, but I am really sick of politics, so I shall refrain.

Instead I draw your attention the Web 2.0 Summit, or as I like to call it, the meeting of the G2.0 (that's a foreign relations joke, if you are wondering why you are not laughing). There Mark Zuckerberg, president of the illustrious nation of The Facebook, has made a feeble bid for a place in real-people history by positing a defining law for the stalwart science of social networking. "Zuckerberg's law," as the coinage goes, states that every year from now on people, in the general sense, are going to be willing to share twice as much about themselves as the year before.

Despite the fact that this is a terrifying revelation, this statement has been met with a surprising reverence. There is the slight criticism, that this law bares some similarity to Gordon Moore's Law which points out that the number of transistors in a micro chip roughly doubles every two years. This is not to be confused with the Dalton/Moore hypothesis that the plot gets twice as dumb every two Bond movies. Aside from this, all across the Blog-o-sphere, people are bowing down to this chip of "wisdom" from the mother-of-all bloggers, the person who reincentivized staying in on a Saturday night, Mark Zuckerberg.

Now, in the tradition of Einstein, let us perform a thought experiment —Think of everyone you know, not just your friends, everyone. Now ask yourself how many of them do you want to know twice as well? Take a second.

Exactly.

What Mark doesn't seem to ask "is there a point when we just cannot share any more about ourselves?" Some have claimed that we will be stuck in a Zeno's Paradox style loop of never quite making it all the way to total disclosure. However, I believe, which is corroborated by the existence of catbook, that Zuckerberg is wrong about the information we share on the internet.

While it may be true, that we will post/share/twitterize exponentially more information each year, it won't be information about ourselves. Instead we will make up information to feed into the ever-growing social network system, in a "keeping up with the Joneses" fashion. For example, a couple of years ago, someone might not have even thought about their cat's favorite movie, but today we post, for all the world to see, that Wall-E really changed the way the Snuggles thinks about his carbon paw-print.

I will end by noting that Google's spellcheck offers "bloodsucker" as an option for correcting Zuckerberg's name, touché.

Update to Ultimate Dumb Live Blog Post

Wednesday: 11:20 Yes! Boston 103 Houston 99! 

Oh, wait a second...Obama wins!!!! 

Live Blogging is the Ultimate Dumb

Daniel Craig is on TV, yes! Oh, excuse me, I was too busy paying attention to what's on my TV to remember that I had started a post. Stinkerton and I have been discussing our annoyance with Live Blogging. Who cares what you, almighty blogger, has to say minute per minute? Holy crap, Tom Cruise just went to the bathroom at 9:15 OMG!!! To prove just how stupid it is, Stinkerton and I are each doing our own live blogging of election coverage. If you're not bored by now then I don't know what help remains for you. I'm not sure how long this will last on my end as I live in the freakin' UK. 

Rewind to 15 minutes ago: Holy crap, Wolf Blitzer has just beamed some woman onto the stage. It looked like R2D2 just vomited her up.

0:27 GMT: Wow, am I watching CNN election coverage or ESPN? I am mesmerized by your touch screen capabilities! You really know how to circle those hot spots with your finger Mr. my face resembles an old piece of ham with a toupée.

0:29: Stinkerton is trying to hold conversation with me about House and Obama having AIDS or something, but I am just too amazed by Wolf Blitzer's tiny stature compared to CNN's giant Poll Closing screen. We then discuss Blitzer's facial hair. I stopped typing for a second because I needed to scratch my head. 

0:31 WOLF BLITZER WILL NOT STOP WALKING!!! OMG ANDERSON COOPER I LIKE SO TOTES LOVE HIM. HOW HIS HAIR SO WHITE?????

Um, are they discussing the election or are they currently at a Starbucks studying for the next econ exam? Why do these people need so many computers? Are you guys reading my live blogging? Please please say yes, I really want to win and have my precious words read aloud on TV. 

0:33 This is dumb, let's see what's on Fox. This guy's voice is about to lull me into a deep and dark sleep. Oh a countdown clock until the next poll closing! These guys are so advanced!! Oh that lady appeared on a big screen, almost as good as a hologram, but not really. There are so many. things. on. the. screen. how. can. i. know.what.to.watch??? And why is the background so red? I get it, the Fox network is made up of communists, or Americans, or communist Americans, yeah, I'm pretty sure that's it.

0.36: Bloomberg, they are so advanced they are using Powerpoint or something like it!!! I can almost read the bullet points except for the ridiculously fast moving ticker at the bottom of the screen, Singapore? Wait a minute, why am I looking at a picture of McCain while hearing about Singapore? Too much finance! Next!

0:38: Ooo BBC! They are just so British I have to trust them on everything they say. There are so many crowds, is this Ascot? Where are all the funny hats? Wow, Cindy McCain not only looks like a resurrected skeleton wearing makeup, she also looks much younger than McCain. You know McCain, you really should have gone for an older woman so that you looked all young and buff in comparison. They are making some annoying jokes, skip! 

0:41, wait a minute, this isn't the US election, this is the House of Commons! 

0:42: That guy is wearing a purple tie on top of a purple shirt, fairly daring I'd say. Wow CNBC can use Powerpoint, extreme ticker scrolling, six pundit boxes, and moving backgrounds. I am wowed. Oh, and the yelling isn't distracting and obnoxious at all. 

0:48 Have just stopped staring blankly into space to realize that CNBC has not one but two fast moving tickers. AND IT CONTINUES DURING THE COMMERCIAL BREAK!! 

0:49 TV France, why are there Americans speaking right now? Why are Americans discussing the US Election on the show News & Magazines. Breaking News: Obama takes Vermont. O RLLY? Big freakin' whoop. What is the deal with these polls? Everyone keeps talking about these polls. Yes! Stupid Americans wearing baseball hats and gloves drinking bottled water TV! 

0:52: Why am I having so much doing this (was going to edit to say "why am I having so much fun doing this, but it's funny the way it is)? Did I just admit that? On to Aljazeera, yes, I really care what this Australian dude has to say to the next US president. Oh, what fashionable coats and scarves. Ooo and a green tie. Aljazeera is winning the fashion prize tonight. Oh, things just got serious, time to switch again. 

0:54: Russian TV, Cubans for Obama! Post Soviet split (how often have soviet and split been in the same sentence?) on who they want next

0:55: I just don't know what channel I'm watching now but the woman said "very unique" which doesn't make sense (if something is unique there is nothing else like it, there cannot be different levels of uniqueness). Whatever this channel is, it looks like it was recorded off of someone else's TV and then re-aired via Skype. Their ticker doesn't even fully fit on my screen and is not moving at all. Lame. 

0:57: OMG It's Carl Rove on Fox News. How can I turn from you Rovey? What is that tie you are wearing? It's orange with some sort of pattern on it, and your microphone looks kind of like a spider so it's kind of like you've prepared for Halloween, which was on Friday dude. OMG less than a minute until the next polls close!!!!!!!!!!  ELECTION ALERT!!!

1:01: Rove isn't speaking anymore, I can't watch this channel. Yes EuroNews is en francais!! Le woOt (remember folks, that t is silent). Oui c'est toute a fait logique. Ouch, it feels like I have a splinter inside of a really painful blister. Ah Non! Les polls sont fermes en New Jersey! 

1:04: Damnit! The Welsh channel has gone to bed, I guess I'm not getting my coverage from those guys. Stinkerton gets to watch the Daily Show's live coverage. I have to wait until tomorrow :(

1:08: Ham face is back on CNN! Who let these guys upload Kid Pix onto their fancy schmancy screens? Do you guys remember Kid Pix? It was amazing! I wish I had it on my computer right now so that I could fill my screen with purply slinky like things. Oh yes, the election, so much screaming!!! Stinkerton lets me know that the word for "polls" in French is "sondage." Well did you know that the French for "douche" is "le douche?" SNAP!

1:12: Stinkerton asked if I called him a shower. Nope! Shower="la douche" not "le douche." Note the difference spam breath. 

1:13 Is it Christmas? Was that the national anthem? Oh just the Phoenix Boys Choir. It sounded really creepy in the background. O-HI-O! Did any of you ever learn that song in middle school where you sing all the states' names in alphabetical order? Cuz I did. Did you realize that West Virginia was a state? Because I forget that it is almost every day. Every time I reach the end of the song I go, "oh yeah, there's an extra one of those Virginias." 

1:18: Ugh, commercials about gorillas and Egypt and stuff. You should read Supreme Courtship by Christopher Buckley. It's pretty funny. 

1:22: Back to Fox for the clock, ooo 6:30 to go!!

1:25: We've been live blogging for an hour now! I feel so productive!!!! Working on papers and presentations tomorrow is going to be awesome! I love exclamation marks!!! BBC has a "flurry of projections" Awww Barack cast a vote for himself!! Hey spellchecker, you might want to start recognizing Barack and Obama as real names. 

1:29: CNBC=channel with most use of hair dye and styling products. It is also the most unintentionally hilarious. "Barack brings a different color (literally)." "Diplomacy is a very important game." Have you guys ever played Diplomacy? Maybe I'm pulling out my total nerd points right now, but I think it rules. CNBC also argues more. Has their logo changed since the last time I was watching? Oh no, they just have two different logos to accompany their two tickers. Patriotic music! I feel inspired to send my absentee ballot in all over again two weeks ago!!!

1:33: I have found the ultimate election coverage!! The Celtics game!!! 

1:40: Pee break! Isn't live blogging so awesome? You get allll the details. Stinkerton and I should be paid to do this. So, let's see what's happening now. There's lots of flag waving and fist pumping in Pennsylvania...wait a second, NO! Those people are not just doing a regular fist pump, they are CERTAINLY jihadists!! No, it's already happening. We are totes screwed America. 

1:45: Celtics 4, Houston 8, Garnett, did you forget to eat your peanut butter and jelly today? Oh nope, now they scored. Um, I get the feeling that live blogging and basketball just don't go together. 

1:48: I just realized that it is now Guy Fawkes day in the UK! Yay for backyard bonfires and fire works!

1:53: I should probably split this into two posts, but I'm getting cranky because it's late and I don't wanna. Stinkerton and I have also realized that we've gotten the live blogging formatting kind of wrong, but it doesn't matter because IT IS DUMB! Is this major commercial time? Every single channel has commercials, oh wait Fox won't because they have the clock!

2:00: Sooo tired, must stay awake. Must make it to two hour mark. "Electoral bonanza" on CNN. Hey, did someone add an electoral vote game to Wii Play? Because that's what it sounds like. 

2:04: Hah, John Sununu defeated. That's a funny name. CNBC and CNN are beginning to blend together. They both begin with "CN" (Wait, so does Cartoon Network!! Why don't they have that here?), and they both have lots of beards. "The country's grown up." Wait, that sounded serious. Let's bring this down a knotch. Anderson Cooper is standing up while all the little econ students continue to sit in their little Starbucks!! How come Blitzer gets to play video games while these guys have to cram together at one table on bar stools? 

2:07: I am kind of amazed by obvious statements being made on CNN: "We could possibly see the first black president, but we don't know yet." Did you guys not realize this until right now? Well there must be hope for me in this world if you can get onto CNN with only a second grade education. 

2:10: When I rule the world and control all of the dictionaries I will ban the words "maverick" and "rogue." "Maverick" will say: "see Douche," and if you are lucky enough to have a copy of the M volume of the Oxford English Dictionary (OED), you will find, "Maverick: once meaning rebel, however the word lost its meaning after douchebag John McCain used it in reference to himself over and over again. See: douche, douchebag, Miss. Congeniality"

2:16: TV France, British correspondent speaks with obnoxious McCain supporter-ugly tie, baseball hat with McCain and Palin proudly showing, "I believe that McCain can still pull this out." Correspondent: "You believe he can pull this out?" "Yes, he can pull this out." Yeah Obama can use the internet! I wonder if he reads live blogging? 

4:30: Oh no! After a strange electoral shift McCain has won!! I guess he did "pull this out." 

2:23: Just kidding. It's not even 2:30. I've passed the two hour mark which means I can go to bed! CNN is playing Hank Williams right now, definitely a sign that I'm done and need to go to bed. I guess you imaginary readers will have to analyze the coverage on your own! Unless Stinkerton keeps this up. And for the record, Boston 45, Houston 39.