Rageoline & Company

The Worst 9 of '09 (and late '08)

2009-12-22T12:55:00.005-05:00

I'm baaaaaaaack! Yet again! No guarantees that I'll stick around, but here's a long rambling post for ya to get things going again (maybe).

I hadn't really been feeling particularly inspired to rage about anything in particular until the holiday season reared its ugly head once again (as early as the first week of September in my neighborhood), thus forcing me to notice that not much has changed over the past year. Many of things that angered me towards the end of last year and the first half of this year are still around, and perhaps worse than ever!

So without further ado, here they are!

9) The perfume ads have returned! Many, if not most, of the ads from last year are taking up almost all airspace yet again. Some scents (such as Pink from Lacoste) are slightly different-still just as annoying but now with a new song and new girl running about. I didn't think it was possible, but I think there might be more this year than there were last year.

8) P. Diddy or whatever you call him is still around and still bothering people. His I Am King advert still pops up on TV and he is still a douche. His wax figure was recently unveiled at Madame Tussaud's and guess what? He gave MT a bottle of I Am King so that his figure could be as accurate a representation of him as possible. Douche.

7) Tiger Woods is more of a whore than ever. Back in January I ranted about how Tiger Woods will do anything, and I mean anything, for money. The man, as far as I could count, had 9 major advertizement deals. Well, it turns out that he ain't just a whore for money. The guy likes his women, and lots of them (at least 9-what is it with the number 9 this year). It looks like he won't have as many advertizing deals going into 2010.

6) The Liskula Cohen skank ordeal just won't die. Remember Cohen? The former, failed model who sued Google over a blog entitled "Skanks in NYC?" Well, it turns out that Cohen won the case and the blogger had to reveal her identity. I'm not sure which part of the story is more sad, the fact that someone as obnoxious as Cohen could actually get away with suing Google or that the previously anonymous blogger did not turn out (as I'd predicted) to be an awkward 16 year old but one of Cohen's prior acquaintances. Lame.

5) Yo Yo Ma is still too happy. I was a little unsettled by his never ending smile when he played in a suit at Obama's inauguration (it was freakin' cold outside) and wondered if he could ever frown. Don't think so. I saw him play at the Royal Albert Hall a couple months ago and he is possibly the happiest person ever to live. Okay, I'll admit it, I love you Yo Yo Ma!

4) Actors who want you to think they have standards but don't. Last time it was Pierce Brosnan and George Clooney. This time it's Patrick Dempsey (McDreamy) and Matthew Fox (Jack from Lost) getting all gelled up for L'Oreal. Proof:

annnd:

This second one might be allowed because Fox is, well, a fox.

3) PETA still sucks. Aretha Franklin, on the other hand, gets her own and dresses all out in fur. Way to go lady.

2) Sarah Palin still won't shut up. Just give her a freakin' reality show already. No one takes her seriously, and if they do, well, there's just no hope for them.

1) I still find myself feeling like Mugatu. Not because of U2 this time (although that never really goes away) but because of Muse. Granted, I do kind of like them (I can't help it!), but I really don't get the obsession everyone has with them. Every single one of their songs sounds the same. I have a really hard time telling the songs apart on their albums and was a bit confused when their "new" album came out a couple months ago. This is new? It sounds like more of the same.

That's all for now!

Guerilla Radio

2009-07-14T19:48:00.007-04:00

One day, driving home from school, I turn on the radio to hear a song called "What's Left of the Flag." The artists, Flogging Molly, has become one of my favorite bands. Now, sitting here, wearing my Flogging Molly T-shirt, I discover that the radio station I was listening to all those years ago has just shut down.

I grew up listening to WBCN, and I had come to consider the station as a landmark in the electromagnetic spectrum of Boston. So naturally, the news of its imminent demise came as bit of a shock &mdash a very concrete example of how modern media is changing.

The tendency is to blame iPods and MP3s for killing the radio, but I'm not sure if it is true. NPR's podcasts give me the opportunity to listen to programming that I enjoy, such as Car Talk, without me having to tune in on a Sunday afternoon. WBCN's song list will even live on via the station's website.

Infinity bigshot, Oedipus, sticking to his pseudonym even on PBS's Greater Boston, points out that only half of a radio station's job is the songs. Good radio content is determined by character, and the homoginization and nationalization of radio content has made the airwaves boring.

The Rock of Boston built its reputation on the creation of personalities, and a commitment to Boston's local scene. However, in recent years BCN lost the spark that introduced me to bands like Flogging Molly, the Dropkick Murphys, and showed the country bands like U2 and The Pixies (It also had a strange affinity for Irish bands).

So Boston says goodbye to an a piece of history, even though the golden age may have ended years ago. Whether it is the cause or the effect, the trend seems to be clear: The airwaves are full of naught but the most mainstream of media, and listeners are turning to internet and satellite radio for niche and novel content.

***

An addendum for people in the Boston area, one of BCN's major local features, Boston Emissions, is slated to continue on WZLX 100.7 in August.

You've got to take her out

2009-07-12T22:50:00.004-04:00

Energy drinks are great! What else is there to keep you going when it is four in the morning and you have an after party to attend. (besides cocaine of course) In highschool, when I was bored on a Saturday night, there was nothing better than shotgunning two Mountain Dew Amps, bouncing off the walls for two hours then collapsing in a sugar coma.

However, in the seemingly endless field of bull-piss-fueled, super-power-endowing quaffs, it is hard to get the attention as the trucker reaches into the gas station ice box. Let's face it, giving wings worked well for Clarence, but it is not for everyone. Now that you mention it: "I want to live!" would make an awesome tag line for on of these sodas. The trend now seems to aim at the not so bright, yet health conscious crowd — you know the people who work out and/or diet all the time, but whose knowledge of nutrition is "calories are bad".

See Exhibit A:

I understood 5 hour energy's angle, the high sugar content definitely makes energy drinks far less appealing than your standard cup of coffee. (This is not to be confused with 6 Hour Power, which gives you head.) Celsius' shtick totally takes advantage of the fact that everyone wants to be skinny, but doesn't understand how thier bodies work.

The ingredients are the same as if you added some vitamin C and B to a diet Redbull. This means that the "calorie burning" effect comes from the raised metabolism that is associated with the "energy" giving ingredients which you cannot pronounce. So, yes, it will help you burn calories, but so does coffee... and cocaine. So, I suppose, if you are looking to supplement your diet, but for some reason can't seem to score and eight ball, you can always go down to the supermarket and pick some of this stuff up.

Headline: Judge Falls for Bernie Madoff's Retirement Scheme

2009-06-30T05:57:00.004-04:00

In case you have been hiding under a rock, Bernie Madoff has been sentenced to a 150 years in prison for his "evil" crimes. If the sentence sounds absurd to you, that is because Madoff will be serving the sentence on years he will be borrowing from people who don't understand how the stock market works. My guess is that Judge Denny Chin (whose name sounds like what you get from eating too many Grand Slams) assumed that the case was fictional when she read the amount Madoff is alleged to have stolen, and thus responded accordingly.

However, this sentence was a little on the conservative side for victim Burt Ross, who was hoping for Madoff to be sentenced to the inner circle of hell [as per the NYTimes article I cited earlier]. Though the sentence dwarfs the defense's plea of 12 years: with Madoff at 71, if he survives twelve years, he will probably be more of a financial burden than a threat. Admitting this the Honorable Chin, declined because it seemed absurd to give Madoff a sentence applicable to possession of a quarter ounce of marijuana.

So, finding herself through the looking glass, Judge Chin decided to eat the other side of the mushroom instead. My metaphor seems more appropriate with the language that was bandied about. In addition to references to Dante's inferno, Judge Chin claimed that, in addition to legal precedent, the symbolism of sentencing Madoff to a million years in prison was for "retribution," dismissing the acts as "evil." If you have ever watched a crime drama, you know this is a bad sign in a judge.

To be fair, nothing Judge Chin could have done would have satisfied me. White collar crime needs to be taken more seriously in this country, and to me (and the bottom line mentality of white collar criminals) whatever sentence would have come across as what it is: a life sentence to a prison where Madoff will receive better treatment than your granny receives in her old age home. However, booking him with a sentence that is usually associated with serial killers, after a trial filled with drama which would make Arthur Miller blush, sends just as bad of a message.

Hmmm...-Worthy: You Make this Rockin World Go Round

2009-06-21T21:05:00.007-04:00

My partner in crime has got me paying attention to the pictures that get include as the headline for news articles. Op-ed pieces tend to provide the best fodder — nothing betrays subtle bigotry quite like the picture you subconsciously chose to represent your works.

To this effect, my attention was drawn by this New York Times piece by Ruth La Ferla, about the "trend" which has "rotund" clothing designers putting out lines for "plus-sized" women. (How dare they!)

This photo which headlines the article is not quite as deliciously random as the BBC Gem Rageoline picked up, you understand why it's there. This picture is more like one of those 3D pictures, that looks like random noise until you relax your eyes, then you see a whole new dimension of questionable style choices.

I get that it is an advertisement for a Traget line of clothes, but did she have to be in the frozen foods section? Why, exactly, is she holding a bag of fried chicken? Was ice cream cliche? Bird's Eye peas too kink? I would love to have been a fly on the wall at this photo shoot. I picture the photographer saying:

"Stand more like a line backer. No don't clutch the chicken nuggets too your chest. Can you look hungrier? Random guy in the back! Don't move, that's good, look frightened! Now just let me get on my knees to give this shot that 'Godzilla rampaging through Tokyo' feeling.

"Perfect."

I would agree.

* * *

I should take a moment to thank Annalee Schafranek over at Bitch for turning me onto this article. If for some reason you felt compelled to read the text in the NYTimes article, and are wondering why no one told Ms. La Ferla that "rotund" is not a nice way of saying "fat" you should read Annalee's article.

Ghost Blogs and a Lack of Common Sense

2009-06-06T21:02:00.009-04:00

Speaking of ghosts, I'm not dead. Still here. Yup. Miss me? Didn't think so.

Have you ever started a blog only to abandon it within a few months? Of course you have. But why? Either you got bored, got busy, or your (ex) BFF misinterpreted one particular post? In order to solve this grand mystery, the folks over at the NY Times (discovered here) have asked a few people to reveal why they've left all of these blogs to waste away on the internets.

The reasons for neglect boil down to:

1) Procrastination and, you know, life

2) Attempts at fame, money, and an established audience have failed

3) Distractions and new forms of expressing one's ideas such as Twitter and Facebook (What do you mean distractions? I always pay atten...what's that?)

My problem with the piece is that Douglas Quenqua, the article's author, as well as the bloggers he interviewed, all seem to overestimate the power of blogs. The last few years have made us question the value of print media and forced us to reassess whether we still need to print and bind books or whether we should digitize anything and everything. It's the new way andeveryone wants in.

Quenqua writes, "Getting started is easy, since all it takes to maintain a blog is a little time and inspiration. So why do blogs have a higher failure rate than restaurants?" He answers his own question here. Something that takes "little time and inspiration" to "maintain" will hopefully be more readily abandoned than something which costs someone's lifeblood and savings to establish. A restaurant owner needs to find investors, staff, a chef, a location, and must have good business sense in order to succeed. Not just anyone can set one up. However, Teeny McTweeneyson can set a blog up for free within five minutes on many different sites. Now let's say that Teeny has a blog about her cat and her crush (Hottie o'Dreamyguy) but gets frustrated after a few months because no one ever comments and it just hasn't taken off. Maybe she'll come back to it every so often to rant about her life but it's no longer that vehicle she hopes will transport her to SuccessTown.

Why on earth would something like Teeny's blog fail? Is it the fact that she can't spell? Or the fact that she uses too many !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!? Or perhaps because there are approximately 8 gazillion blogs already devoted to cats? Maybe. But there were probably about 8 gazillion minus one blogs devoted to cats before Lolcats came along. Teeny simply failed to do her research or put any creative effort into her blog. There are many Italian restaurants in the States, but that doesn't mean that new Italian restaurants will automatically fail. Americans will always love Italian food and surfers of the internet will always love reading about cats. But one day even Lolcats will bore us and we'll have to come up with a new feline sensation.

The point is, being a blogger will not lead to automatic success. In fact, the likelihood of a blog doing well is probably slimmer these days than that of a book getting published. Our thoughts are summarized in 500 words or less, we demand images and instant updates, and our hands shake when we hold a pen to paper for more than 15 minutes. The digital age, as awesome as it may be, should not signify the end of skill, talent, or perspicacity.

Jay Leno: Adieu, Until Tomorrow

2009-05-29T23:46:00.006-04:00

A long time ago, NBC realized that its programing was so bad

**How bad was it?**

So bad that the only way it could lead in the ratings was to put programming on later than any other channel. The Tonight Show was born.

Tonight, Jay Leno takes the stage one last time after hosting for seventeen years, when he picked the job from the bucked teeth of David Letterman, who then seceded to CBS. Yes in this metaphor, the Abraham Lincoln is being played by Conan O'Brien, because he is lanky and would look very good in a stove pipe hat.

The host of the Tonight Show is like the president of comedy, in that he is over worked, over-rated and no one likes him until he has left. In a certain way he represents the country's sense of humour, and it marks the end of an era when he leaves. After so long it is hard to believe that Jay will no longer be there delivering his own particular brand of mediocre least common denominator comedy.

...That is until this fall when he will have a slightly earlier time slot. It is almost like I have moved to the central time zone.

Float like a butterfly and sting like a ...

2009-05-28T20:07:00.003-04:00

I just watched a 12 year old (correctly) spell omphaloskepsis, a word that google doesn't even recognise. And Google knows EVERYTHING!

There are few things in the world which leave me in more awe than the national spelling bee. There are few words to describe the skills these kids posses, and they are probably the only ones who can spell those words. These children are the pinacle of home school education in this country, and they represent the future generation of American recluses and hermits... Something we never really beat the Soviets at.

It looks like we are trying really hard.

This really comes down to a competition of who responds better to parental pressure. The collection of scenes from tonight's national spelling bee have ranged from adorable to terrifying &mdash From giggling at a word containing "doodle" to bursting into tears because they could not spell hernio-something.

Spelling is a bitch, and this is because English is the slut of world languages. A patchwork of Latin, French, Greek, German, and a cocktail of Norse dialects mean that phonetics operates on several different systems, and good luck figuring out which one is at work (this is why all the contestants ask for etimology). This is exacerbated by the tendency to pick up words willy-nilly from other languages, each working on their own transliteration system. A great example, emphaloskepsis is a portmanteau stolen from ancient Greek to describe eastern meditation.

UConn v USF: Singing in the Rain

2009-05-23T00:15:00.007-04:00

We've all been there: Super bored during a long rain delay at a baseball game. When UConn and the USF found themselves in this situation, they turned life's lemons into the sweet lemonaide of a dance-off.

And if you must have the audio.

Florida lived up to their name as the University of Super Freak and scored high points for turning that tarp into a slip and slide (I've wanted to do that for years!!!), but UConn took the game — with the killer instinct to take their shirts off and get down and dirty. (Okay so UConn actually won the game by scoring more points than USF, but I like my version better.)

For the rage portion of my post:

I found this through a Deadspin post, which I found through this Jock Bitch post. In his post, blogger Dashiell Bennet cites this swingin shindig as the reason that College Football and Basketball are 'superior' to college baseball. First, no one puts baby in a corner! Second, this baseball boogie shows a level of sportsmanship and comradery that is rare in any sport today. Especially for these kids, so much is at stake in these sports that it is easy to forget that this is a game.

BTW: That's right I would rather be known as a person who reads Bitch than a person who reads Deadspin.

So angry, can't type properly, ahapowr34#_(*&##%@Q)!

2009-05-21T02:57:00.002-04:00

I told myself I should never blog when I'm this angry, but I'm afraid that if I don't blog then I will break something or someone. Before I say anything else, I just want to say, WTF AMERICA? For a short while after Obama was elected I hoped that maybe changes were really coming but I had a feeling that they weren't, or at least not all that quickly. Don't get me wrong, I have always loved America, but maybe not in that blind "I'll die for anything" way. Living in the UK means that I regularly have to defend Americans from being called "ignorant" and America from being called a place not really worth visiting for a second time. Next time it happens though, I'm not going to say anything because America's getting on my nerves.

The new American Idol is Kris Allen and not Adam Lambert? Really America? My brain cannot compute how this makes sense in any way but one: American

s are a bunch of ignorant assholes (except for anyone who voted for Lambert, of course). As far as I'm concerned, there was no competition between Allen and Lambert. As a friend pointed out to me, Allen looks like "he's taking a shit" every time he sings. See pictures for comparison. I'd say that's a fairly accurate assessment.

Aren't there already a million singers who sound exactly the same as Kris Allen and have that same "style?" Now he can just become another one of those bland voices we hear on the radio (except worse because he can't really sing). And I can't think of anyone more boring to go see in concert.

You cannot deny, whether you don't like his style of singing or not, that Adam Lambert is a much better singer and stands out much more than Kris. He has done so since the beginning of the season, making me actually watch the show, which I normally stop doing a few episodes in. He made songs interesting, didn't freak out if he wasn't in his comfort zone like Kris would if he didn't have his guitar, and has personality, which Kris doesn't. The thing that makes me really angry is that there were many, much better contestants who I maybe would have been okay with beating Adam (Allison, Gokey, or even Noop for the entertainment factor), but not Kris.

The only possible explanation I can think of for this is that Adam Lambert is openly gay and Kris Allen appeals to 13 year old girls. Almost every single criticism I have read about Adam felt it necessary to include the fact that he's gay. How is that even relevant? Hey 13 year old girls, do you think that Kris will actually fly into your bedroom at night and serenade you with his stupid guitar? David Cook, last year's winner, wasn't exactly your typical Idol (especially not over Archuleta), but he was a better singer and performer so he won. This year, even though Adam was clearly better and Google had predicted the results the straight Christian guy from Arkansas won. Just to get the point across, Kris Allen: shitshow. Adam Lambert: The best there ever was:

America, we're done. That was the last straw.

Bailouts, Brits, and Explosions!

2009-05-18T15:00:00.004-04:00

It is no secret that American car companies are hurting. Fiat just bought a portion of GM, Chrysler is declaring bankruptcy, and Ford is trying to change its name.to Honda. However, I think I may have stumbled upon a solution.

A British Invasion.

For my fellow Yanks, the silver-templed man with the bald spot is called Jeremy Clarkson, and in the metric system, he is a bad ass. Rageoline introduced me to Top Gear while I was in London, and I didn't really think much of it at the time. In my mind, a formula one racer on British TV seems a contradiction. However, after watching him feed Gordon Ramsay a rack of lamb cooked on the radiator of a Subaru Outback, I changed my mind.

I'm not entirely sure why they haven't tried to make an American version of this show yet. I guess crashing cars and having celebrities do silly things just isn't our cup of tea.

It seems as though the land of Country Music and NASCAR has fallen out of love with cars. If you really loved your pick-up you would drop your trailer on in. Car ads in this country are a barren landscape of computer generated hyperbole and hamsters. Watching Tiger Woods drive around Mars doesn't get me excited about Range Rovers, but watching one burst into flames just might. People really only watch NASCAR for the crashes, so let's cut the foreplay (in Daytona a series of left turns constitutes foreplay, Hiyo!).

What Barack Obama needs to do, is hold a nationally funded demolition derby. Buy a bunch of Chevy's, Fords and Jeeps, and put them through absurd tests! Like "Which Pick-up truck can destroy the most Ford Focuses before stalling." who wouldn't want to watch that? We could have a contest to see how far you can drop a full sized sedan before its axle snaps, or how many soccer moms it takes to flip over a given SUV.

Not only would this give ridiculous amounts of money to car companies, but it would also create a lot of jobs! Someone has to be selling cold flat American beer while this is happening. Also people would have something to brag about with their cars. Next time an uppity Touareg cuts you off in your Explorer, you can say "Sure, his car has all that low end torque and extra vowels, but can it barrel through 18 outhouses in a row? Mine can!"

An Expression of Words

2009-05-17T00:01:00.005-04:00

So, I was doing my bi-weekly reading of the nytimes.com blogroll to see what is making me mad/who is not featuring me this week, I stumbled upon a little of both.

Schott's Vocab is a blog that is dedicated to vocabulary. How did the grammarians get a blog? I thought the internet was like kryptonite to vocabularists... yes, in this metaphor I am considering correct punctuation a superpower. You have to be psychic to figure out where the comma will be next. It took me a good fifteen minutes to read this eight line blog post, Schott managed to use at least three words I'm pretty sure he made up -- vocabularist, assemblage, Schott (notice the blog isn't about spelling).

The Grammarians would be a great name for an indie rock band BTW.

This blog presents weekend-ly competitions fo the readers to talk about their favorite words. Today's contest asks readers to make up their own favorite words for "modern assemblage." You know how there are ridiculous words for groups of animals: gaggle of gease, murder of crows, turmoil of porpoises. Well, the idea is that a bunch of people who read a grammar blog will make up modern versions of these words.

Grammar enthusiasts are traditionally not funny. Entries range from the pedantic "google of searches" to the alliterative "Twitter of twits" (which would have been funnier the other way around) to the somewhat anger tinged "deceit of Cheneys." To be fair there are only multiple Dick Cheneys so that the first one can harvest organs from them. However, this article does answer one question I have held for a long time: "Who the hell comes up with this crap."

Does anyone know where I can apply for a poetic license?

Things that make you go hmm...

2009-05-03T16:21:00.003-04:00

Every so often something will catch my attention that makes me wonder what on earth the person responsible was thinking. Some of these things are simply obnoxious and others seem wildly inappropriate. Yet somehow, they are supposed to pass as being cool, or professional, or even creative. Here are a couple of things I came across today:

Wikipedia's use of the word "orphan" in regards to Wikipedia articles. According to Wikipedia, an orphan is "A page with no links from other pages." Wikipedia decided that it was okay to use the word "orphan" to describe an isolated article. Maybe I'm just being a bit sensitive here, but doesn't it seem a bit odd to use that word? What if an actual orphan wants to look up something on Wikipedia and sees the following message:

"This article is an orphan, as few or no other articles link to it. Please introduce links to this page from other articles related to it."

That orphan will now cry because Wikipedia has just reminded him or her that he or she has few or no links. Just when he or she overcomes the painful memories and is able to scroll down the page, this heading appears:

"Suggestions for how to de-orphan an article"

The other thing appeared BBC's website, an article entitled, "Are there women paedophiles?"

I don't want to get into the subject matter of the article, but hasn't that question already been answered? Click on the link and take a look at the picture BBC decided to use for the article. It's a blonde woman and a possibly Asian boy walking down a beach. They are walking away from us so we can't see their faces. What do I find creepiest? Her arm is around his neck and her sleeve is positioned in such a manner that we can't see her hand. WTF BBC? Clearly the photo suggests that this is not supposed to be a mother and son walking down the beach. But why would a paedophile be going for what almost looks like a romantic stroll down the beach with her 9 year old hottie? Can you imagine being the people posing for this picture?

"Now, yes! Hold that position, that's perfect. Just put your arm around his neck but don't pull him too close! Oh, what's this for? Um, you know, something about paedophilia."

The kid will look at this picture many years from now and have nightmares. But are there women paedophiles? Maybe. Perhaps Wikipedia will have an orphan on it.

FX (UK) shall face the wrath of none other than ME!

2009-05-02T17:31:00.004-04:00

While living in the UK I am, for the most part, able to dismiss many of my American cravings. I get used to smaller containers of shampoo, eat different candy, and forget about major sporting events (to some extent). But one thing I will never be able to forget. That one thing has given me inspiration in my rage and makes me laugh until I can no longer breathe. What is it, you ask? This.

STEPHEN COLBERT! (and the Colbert Report)

I just heard him make a series of swine flu inspired puns (a-pig-alypse, oinkmaggedon). Remember when he almost had a Hungarian bridge named after him? How can you not love him?

Apparently FXUK does not. They claimed that the show did not have enough viewers and so they have not renewed its contract. Hmm...no viewers. When was the show on? After midnight! No wonder it didn't have any viewers. Even I have to record it every day. We can't watch the show on Colbernation.com because we're not in the US and now we can't watch it on TV.

You know what FXUK? FU! Do you want to fight about this FX? Bring it. I need Colbert to survive. Let me guess, FX, a network owned by FOX, a typically right leaning organization, realized a bit too late that Colbert isn't actually a republican?

I guess it's time to turn my good ol' buddy, Hotspot Shield on again (which you didn't hear about from me).

Join the twitter fight with #saveourcolbert!

Was That Movie Supposed to Be Funny?

2009-04-28T18:44:00.010-04:00

Last Friday, it dawned on me that the last time I had been to the movies was to see Tropic Thunder back in September, and even though Robert Downey Jr is a meal of an actor, I decided it was time to see something new.

I threw a dart at the newspaper, to decide which movie from the post-Oscar nightmare-scape to go see. The dart landed fortuitously on Sunshine Cleaning, the remix of the movie Little Miss Sunshine, but with Amy Adams instead of Steve Carell.

I suppose I should put up one of this obnoxious warnings: IF, FOR SOME REASON, YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE PLOT OF THIS EXTREMELY ORIGINAL MOVIE, STOP HERE. Seriously, you have never seen anything like it before... That is, if you haven't gone to the movies since 1924.

The idea is simple, two sisters come together to pick the last scraps off the rotting carcass that is their shattered lives. And there is ~~plenty~~ about fifteen minutes of black humour along the way. A solid fifty percent of this movie is close-up shots of Amy Adams about to cry — This movie is an actor's wet dream.

In hopes of making more money, Amy Adams and Emily Blunt (the sisters) open up a crime-scene clean up crew. In going around cleaning up the remains of other people, they learn to cope with the suicide of their own mother, who died like 20 friggin years before the events of the movie. I'm not particularly a huge fan of movies which are about people overcoming a traumatic life events which happened a long time ago... I'm looking at you, Wes Anderson! I will admit, that some of the cleaning scenes were pretty funny, but there are only like two of them in the movie.

The movie follows in the footsteps of Little Miss Sunshine, in its wry humour, and its themes of suicide and following your dreams despite the fact that you screwed them up years ago, and they are pointless anyway. It does tack on new themes like letting go of the past and abusive relationships, and Emily Blunt not noticing that the moderately attractive girl from 24 totally wants to get into her pants.

To sum it up, this movie might be worth seeing, if you are into emo crap (or if you like laughing at emo kids). I spent most of the movie not sure whether I was laughing with the movie makers, or at them. So if you are looking for a good cry, wait a week to see that not even Hugh Jackman looks good in sideburns. Oh, topless Hugh Jackman makes everything better.

The Worst Post Ever

2009-04-11T23:44:00.002-04:00

This winter just won't quit. While driving to vist my family for Easter, I was pelted with a "wintery mix,' which is not the assortment of holiday candy my sister thinks it is. I guess God must be pretty mad for the death of his son/self (alternate joke for Jewish readers: Yahweh must be mad at the whole slavery thing). I don't know if you have ever encountered sleet, I'm not sure if people have it outside of New England, but imagine if the weather can't decide which it would rather do: rain or snow. Instead, soggy wads of snow cascade from the sky, spattering on your windshield while you hydroplane.

But I survived, which is the important thing, especially when there are pirates out there. Why are there pirates!? Sure, piracy has been rampant in other parts of the world, but Americans haven't seen pirates in decades (unless you count privateers, which I don't). How can I maintain my blissfully ignorant image of pirates as people who wear eye patches, search for treasure, and occasionally walk into bars, when I am forced to face the fact that there are real pirates out there?

Anyway, I figured I'd get that off my chest. At least there is going to be a new Matthew McConaughey movie, and I'm totally not going to embed a trailer because they won't let me.

Stinkerton out!

Rage Down: Fake Fake Doctors and Women with Balls

2009-04-06T23:11:00.006-04:00

I haven't posted a while, so today I bring you a fast breaking rage straight to whatever you kids are tweeting with these days.

First, Dr House M.D. completely defied me with who they decided to kill off this season. I won't give anything away, but it suffices to say that I assume they made this decision because the actor left to pursue his career (and only one actor on that show has a career). Now I'm not counting myself out just yet, maybe the writers on House will take a page out of J.K. Rowling's books and keep one-upping themselves. So this season, two people will die. Next season, a character people actually care about will die. Finally, for the series finale, Hugh Laurie will have to diagnose patients while dodging the frightful curses of Lord Voldemort, who has been brought back from the dead with the blood of Omar Epps.

Now, completely changing pace, lets talk about basketball. This weekend, the Huskies (men) were kicked out of the NCAA finals by Michigan State University. If you ask me, Detroit needs to spend less time training basketballers and more time teaching them how to make cars that run for more than four years. What are we here at Uconn going to do without our boys! All we have left is the best womens team in NCAA history. Great! That is like being the winner of the talent portion of the Miss America Pageant! I don't care how smart, beautiful and talented they are, if they aren't going to run off to the NBA before graduating, I'm just not interested.

Finally, I'd would like to take a second to say: Banana Nut Cheerios... teehee.

My New BFF

2009-03-31T15:29:00.004-04:00

While Stinkerton may be my partner in crime and rage filled blogging, I think I may have stumbled upon my new potential BFF (Best Friend Forever for all you old people). I am referring to YouTube's jimmy0010. I'm not sure how old Master 0010 is, but I'm pretty sure we could have a good time hangin' round the park throwing sticks in front of roller bladers. His hair style might change from time to time, but his quirky anger never fades. A bit of Ricky Gervais, a bit of British angst, and a whole lot of rage. And maybe a bit Adam Lambert without the guyliner?

See for yourself.

I'd have to agree, it is a bit mental that the Queen's never had a cream egg.

I have also noticed that there always is some guy in the back of the bus playing music on his speakers and have frequently noticed crying women on buses.

Lovin' the new doo Jimmy.

So come on Jimmy, be my new BFF. I think I might be kinda older than you, but it's cool, yo, I have babysitting experience.

Maybe I should get to screen writing

2009-03-30T07:08:00.003-04:00

Why? Because I'm pretty damn sure that I could come up with a more interesting story while on the toilet than James Gray and Ric Menello did for the movie Two Lovers. This post will be entirely devoted to crapshow that is this movie, so if you don't know want to know what happens (as if you couldn't figure it out within the first five minutes), then don't read. I guess I should throw in some of these:

*SPOILER ALERT**88**@#(*$_()@$*!!-------------------------------------

Now that you've been appropriately warned, here's the plot. Joaquin Pheonix plays this messed up guy named Leonard who lives in his parents apartment. He works at his father's dry cleaning store and was apparently once engaged but now is bipolar and tries to kill himself by jumping off a boardwalk, which is only a few feet above the water. Nice. His parents are buddies with another dry cleaning family and are coming up with a business deal for the two stores. They just happen to have a daughter, Sandra, who is kinda obsessed with Leonard because she once saw him dance with his mom. The two have a thing and she falls totally in love with him. Meanwhile, Leonard falls in love with his neighbor Michelle, played by the ever (not so) convincing Gwyneth Paltrow. Michelle, a drug addicted law firm assistant, is having an affair with her boss-who of course, has a wife and family. In the end, Michelle gets her boss to leave his family for her and Leonard winds up getting engaged to Sandra. Aww, everyone's happy, right? No. Not me. Here are my top reasons for not getting the hype:

1) Hmmm, I feel like I might have seen this movie before? Oh yeah, Match point. Except Match point was more interesting and kept my attention for longer than two minutes at a time.

2) The casting. Yes, Phoenix did a really good job, and so did Vinessa Shaw who played Sandra. However, how old are these people and how old are they meant to be? All of them either living at home or pretending to be about 25? Well, I remember seeing Paltrow playing the same types of rolls 10 years ago, so I'm a little unconvinced. Has Paltrow ever played anything other than a straight blond haired object of someone's affection? I think the only thing I've ever really liked her in was Shakespeare in Love. Her acting was pretty bad and so was her over the top New York accent. I really had a hard time believing that Phoenix was supposed to be whatever age he was supposed to be.

3) The screenplay. How many movies are there about women in dead end affairs hoping that their lovers will leave their families for them? A whole lot. If you were to write a text book about how these scenes are typically done in movies, wouldn't you include a piece that goes something like this?

Woman to friend: You just don't understand. I know, this is awful, but he's different. He's a really nice guy. You don't think I'm crazy do you? What am I doing?

Friend says either: No, you're not crazy

End it now, for your own sake and his family's.

Woman: But I love him. And he's promised that he's going to leave his wife for me. He promised! (Begins crying, maybe storms off)

And that's what Two Lovers did. Exactly. No variation of its own, nothing new, nothing surprising, just boring and entirely predictable. And cheezy, in a bad way, not in an awww my heart melted way.

At the end, Leonard buys a ring for Michelle. However, once he realizes that she's going off with her boss, he tries to throw it into the water. He walks into the sea, and somehow a pair of gloves that Sandra gave him fall out of his pocket and into the water. He slowly picks up the gloves and realizes that he still has her. Oh, and then he magically finds the ring again so he can conveniently give it to Sandra. Didn't see that one coming!

4) This would never happen in real life. About 30 minutes into this movie I could tell that it was written by a man. Why? Because there was an utter lack of understanding of how a real woman would react to Leonard's stalkerish ways in real life. He's tried to kill himself a few times, lives in a creepy room, looks kind of like Big Foot, and you're expecting me to believe that two beautiful women become obsessed with him? Not just kinda like him, or flirt with him, but develop immediate attachments to him in the period of a couple of weeks?

Leonard asks Michelle into his apartment after she gets in a fight with her father. The two chat in a friendly, neighborly way. Fine. But then, Leonard follows her to the train station, gets on her train, gets off at her stop, and accompanies her to work. She offers him her phone number and he starts to text and call her right away. What? Do you know how this would go down in real life? Michelle would be friendly to Leonard, but would avoid directly giving him her number unless asked. Being stalked is not really sweet, but a bit sketchy. She doesn't even show any signs of apprehension. Sandra, on the other hand, is a normal girl who apparently has guys chasing her. Yet, she wants to "fix" Leonard? Do men really think that all women are that weak and need to mother someone at all times? What would have happened if Leonard had been a woman, and Michelle and Sandra were two guys. Would Michelle's male character accept a nerdy, somewhat disturbed, woman chasing after him? I don't think so. I don't know about the rest of you, but I've always been wary of overly eager guys. It's just not attractive or mysterious, or whatever the screenwriters wanted it to be. Yes, his character was sweet but Michelle's instant BFF? Come on.

Best moment of the movie:

Michelle yells to Leonard: You're crazy!

Leonard looks up with crazy face: That's what they told me! (Because they did...)

Unfortunately, I don't have a screen shot, but just remember, this is what Joaquin Phoenix looks like now:

Daylight Savings? Sounds more like schmaylight schmavings to me

2009-03-29T06:08:00.003-04:00

What is this time change business? I never used to question it that much in the past but I've come to realize that it's utterly useless. Twice a year our whole schedules get messed up because for some reason we need to have darkness or extra light. Friends get confused about lunch dates, people show up to work extra early or super late, I get confused as to which clocks I've already changed/need to be changed and am never sure which clock is tellin' the truth.

From my understanding, Daylight Saving was introduced for a few reasons. It first appeared around World War I so that factory workers could actually spend some time outside in the sunshine after working hours were over. It also helps to reduce energy spent on artificial lighting. From almost everything I've read about it, Daylight Saving appears to be viewed more positively than "regular" time in the fall and winter (with the exception of that extra hour to sleep in, of course. Oh, and the fact that it gets too dark in the mornings so the time shift makes that less of a problem, or something).

So, if more people like having that extra sunshine in the evening, then why bother "falling back" later in the year? Why not just stick with this schedule? I really don't think Earth gives a crap. Would it somehow mess up our calendar? I'm not really seeing the big deal here. Many countries in the world don't follow these stupid time changes and, as far as I know, they haven't exploded yet. Would anyone miss the time changes? I know I certainly wouldn't. If keeping the extra hour saves energy, then why bother going back in time at all? It can't possibly be just because of the morning light business. Farmers, construction workers, and all them other folks who tend to work outside don't tend to do as much outdoors during the colder months.

I remember learning a theory about how businesses would try to figure out how to maximize worker productivity. Almost out of the blue, workers would begin to receive rewards or bonuses for good work. After the reward system was introduced, productivity would go up. After several months, productivity would remain reasonably high, but wasn't as great as right after the introduction because rewards were expected. So after about six months, the reward system was taken away, which left workers feeling like they no longer deserved to be rewarded. Again, productivity would rise. Eventually, the reward system could be introduced again. Is this what daylight savings is all about? Is our extra hour of sunshine in the spring just a reward for being good all winter? Then our schedules get mixed up again in the fall so we don't get into too much of a routine. Daylight Saving isn't mandatory so maybe there's some sort of mentality that if we don't work well, our daylight will be taken from us.

Maybe what needs to change are our own attitudes towards schedules and the outdoors. We are obsessed with time, being on time, working for a certain period of time, waking up on time, etc. Of course being aware of time does increase productivity, but why should we need to rely on an enforced time change to make sure we're waking up at the right hours and going outside at a certain time of day? Shouldn't everyone be responsible for that?

Here's what I mean:

You work in an office for eight hours a day (okay it's more like 9 hours because of your lunch break). Other than your lunch break, you are not able to leave the office unless you have an appointment of some sort. This means that in winter, the only time you will spend in the daylight, is the time it takes you to walk to your car in the morning and your trip to and from lunch. When you leave work, it will be pitch black outside. Your entire day has been spent in artificial light, looking at the fleeting sunlight outside. However, during the summer, you actually get a few hours of sunlight after you leave work. No wonder people suffer from seasonal depression! For half the year, you don't really get to see the sun, other than on weekends of course. Shouldn't employers be responsible for ensuring that workers get to spend time outside during the day? Wouldn't productivity levels be higher if employees felt good about life? Artificial light may temporarily alter moods, but it doesn't provide vitamin D. It doesn't provide a sense of fresh air or wind on your face. Altering the work schedule so that employees get at least 30 minutes outside during the day would probably help to increase attention levels and focus. It shouldn't be up to the government to force sunshine upon us-it should automatically be part of our lives.

So please, get rid of this time change business. Stick with one time (preferably daylight savings) and we'll all be happy. Why bother with a tradition picked up from World War I?

Shepard Guide Us

2009-03-27T20:25:00.005-04:00

I was debating between this title and "This Fairey Steals Your Money", but that's what this dude gets for having two professions as his name.

Shepard Fairey's plagerism case, has been pissing me off a lot lately. I don't really care that he stole the image for the Barack Obama "Hope," poster from a (probably underpaid) member of the Associated Press, but Shepard is really getting on my nerves by turning around and suing the Associated Press because of the famous "he who hast smelt it, is the party that dealt it" law.

I suppose I shouldn't expect anything less, since Shepard has made his name by skirting vandalism laws, to draw attention, and give himself that bad boy image that gets you laid. However, what is really getting to me, is this Huffington post post which Fairey posted, and which I heard of through this Bostonist article (It turns out that HuffPost is the Kevin Bacon of Blogs). In his post, Fairey defends his idea-thievery in true "the kid with glasses and straight A's totally cheated off of me" fashion. His arguments range from legally prudent douche-baggery to the proclamation of an truly disturbing world-view.

"...I did not think (and do not think) I needed permission to make an art piece using a reference photo. From the beginning, I openly acknowledged that my illustration of Obama was based on a reference photograph... which I found out much later was taken by Mannie Garcia..." It is not a reference if you do not cite your source, which you clearly cannot do if you don't know who created the work.

Admittedly, it takes balls to do this and then complain that "...people try to demean my Obama poster as being 'stolen' or that because I used a photo I 'cheated'." This is like having a conversation with a cheating student &mdash What you don't seem to understand, Shepard, is that you aren't cheating because you used Wikipedia, you are cheating because you passed someone else's work off as your own. You say that many great painters worked from photos, but the difference here is that paintings are made in a studio, and your poster was made in photoshop.

Almost universally, the only thing interesting about Fairey's work is his use and contrast of colors, and the actual images are always taken from other sources. So while the pictures are evocative and exciting (until you realize that this Fairey is a one trick pony), a remix loses a considerable amount of depth if the original is not available.

Fairey claims that he went to Rhode Island School of Design, an impressive alma mater &mdash "At RISD I was taught to draw from life, to draw from photo references..." Well it's too bad this fancy school didn't teach you to reference your works. This is surprising, in academia people are only worth as much as their ideas. So when you steal someone's ideas, you steal their lively-hood. It is a big deal. I also find it interesting that for all his defense of working from photo references, Fairey sure doesn't seem to have a very high opinion of photography.

On this point, Fairey's post isn't all juvenile, there is plenty of room for the asinine. He argues that it was okay to use the image because he wasn't reporting news, but instead using the image to promote Obama. This actually makes matters worse. Shepard Fairey was using the photo to make "a political statement" that he had no idea that Mannie Garcia was even cool with. Even though Mannie did turn out to be an Obama supporter, Shepard admits that he didn't even know Mannie's name when the poster was created, so he obviously had no respect for the photographer's intent. I know I would hate if Shepard Fairey somehow managed to use my words here to steal money from the AP in this lawsuit.

My personal favorite argument from Fairey is that Garcia's work would have "faded into obscurity" without the Obama poster. What sort of arrogant asshole sells himself as a gritty street artist, then asserts that he can get away with copying someone else because he is more famous? Although Fairey claims that he is defending the artistic expression from excessive copyright laws, this is actually what copyright laws are meant to do. Even though in recent years it seems like copyright laws are there to protect large company trademarks and the canned crap which we hear on the radio, they are actually there to protect the small time artist from having his (or her) work stolen by larger more famous bullies. Despite his image, Shepard Fairey is the bully in this case, and he is using his fame to control lesser known work.

Of course there is nothing wrong with being a bully, it is nearly impossible to be successful without being at least a little bit of a bully. But don't try to shove some idealistic crap down my throat so that I think that you are freeing my mind when you are really just giving me a wedgie.

Things that bite... In Connecticut

2009-03-24T21:06:00.007-04:00

I don't know how I feel about all of Barak Obama's press conferences, he has had two already, and all of these questions.... these would have got Bush through the better part of his first term. I don't care how candid and honest he is, when I try to turn on American Idol, it is because I want to forget my troubles, not be frankly reminded of them.

I digress.

Usually when people think of Connecticut, the fiercest thing involved is Chris Dodd (Oh, no you Doddn't). However, things seem to have been turned upside-down lately. There was the famous incident about a month ago. A woman was attacked by a monkey. This attack even got congress to take a break from giving out money to talk about a pointless bill to ban the interstate transportation of monkeys.

If this wasn't enough, a few weeks ago, some woman found an alligator crawling out of a sewer drain. I'm not entirely sure why this woman was living in a sewer drain, but I would like to think that she is safe from vicious clawed baby animals which are adorable.

For the coup de gros, last week a woman and her husband got in a fight. Now, I assume she must have been some sort of conflict counselor, because she realized very astutely that nothing ends fights quite like handcuffs. So while her husband was sleeping she locked the bedroom door (from the outside somehow), and chained herself to his wrist. Everything was going well until he started to called the cops, so she was logically forced to bite him.

Now, I'm note exactly sure how long full moons last, but I don't think that you can blame what has been going wrong on astrological phenomena. Maybe people are just really excited about womens basketball. To top it off The Haunting in Connecticut came out last week, so if we keep this up, we might surpass Texas as the creepiest state! Well at least then I will be able to tell people "Don't mess with Connecticut, or we will confuse you with spelling."

Nothing is more efficient than Diesel

2009-03-22T21:12:00.006-04:00

Ok, so we have had a bit of a dry spell. I have been very busy doing things that you couldn't possibly understand.

I just installed a firewall on my computer, and for no apparent reason the BBC has been trying to access my computer every fifteen minutes for the past couple of days. I don't know what I could have done to piss off "the company", but they are ruthless and I am screwed.

I also bring some good news. For the past few years, our lives have been missing something — I'll give you a hint — children love it, where-ever it goes there are explosions, and it has huge deltoids. Give up:

That's right he's back! I can't wait to stare into his lifeless eyes, as he draws out his phrases syllable by syllable. I expected the second coming of Diesel to be as the governor of a state, but I will have to take what I can get. This movie is gonna be awesome! The first one was so cool it convinced people that bad-ass meant green ligths on the underside of your car.

"But didn't Vin refuse to do a sequel to this movie 8 years ago when it was relevant?" You ask. Well, first, don't use his first name, you don't know him... no one knows him. Second, this recession is so bad, that not even Keifer Sutherland can car-chase us out. So we brought in the big guns! After all, it is a movie about the triumph of the old-time values of American muscle over Chinese people doing awesome acrobatics with Japanese-made zip.

Does this mean that we have adopted late 90's early 2000 nostalgia? Are Eminem and Saliva going to be ironically cool now, because I had finally gotten "Click Click Boom" out of my head. More importantly, are we going to finally be done with 80's nostalgia? Because that would be awesome.

"Reality" TV is pushing it

2009-03-15T20:24:00.006-04:00

Now in my confusion from daylight savings time*, I turned on The Simpsons an hour early, to discover that the Fox network was even more brilliant than I originally thought. About a year ago, America rediscovered the Japanese gameshow which was normally relegated to the depths of basic cable. Giving birth to instant classics such as Wipeout and I Want to be a Japanese Gameshow. During the great writer strike of `07-`08 these shows were appealing, because they combined the mindless pleasure of Grey's Anatomy, without the pesky writers who want things like wages, and integrity.

I am surprised that I was unaware, but every Sunday at 6:00 Fox airs a show called Hole in the Wall. The basic idea of the show is that the Fox network pays who knows how much to cut shapes into large foam walls, and then the walls slide along a track, and contestants need to jump through the holes without getting plowed by the wall. Think Super Mario Bros. with break dancers and contortionists instead of plumbers. Of course, a Youtube video is worth a thousand words, but you only really need two: "Oh Crap".

If you haven't noticed yet, "Hole in the Wall" is a double entendre referring to the cut-outs in the foam wall, and the camel toe that results from those skin tight silver jumpsuits. If you think that is bad, I think I went blind in my right eye from seeing the shine off the Bulge in the pants of the Hispanic break dance "crew" the "Flying Tortillas." And in the Australian version of the show, the Lifeguards are all in banana hammocks.

*I'm banking on the fact that no one will realize that if I was actually confused by daylight savings time, I would have tuned into The Simpsons an hour late and discovered that King of the Hill is still making new episodes, which I didn't know.

Social networking sites will destroy the universe

2009-03-14T14:06:00.004-04:00

If we don't continue checking Facetweetikrspace every 108 minutes, the world will deconstruct...oh wait, that might be the island from Lost, my bad (I'm only on season 2, don't say anything!).

I'll admit, I do check Facebook more than I should. I'd quit it, but I don't want to right now...YOU CAN'T TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME!

How else will I know when my friends have headaches, have a paper due, or are happy such and such football/baseball/basketball/rugy team won? How? How will I survive without seeing pictures of so and so's new dog or one of my former bosses getting completely wasted at a wedding?

My anxiety related neurodermatitis is acting up simply at the thought at not receiving at least one Mafia Wars invitation every day or knowing how many people might be attending the "Find the Penguin" event at the LSE or being able to read 25 "random" facts about each of my friends.

Do you remember a time when we didn't need to know every single detail of our friends' lives? When we could remember a friend without associating them with their overy glittery Myspace page (which also played the same stupid indie song over and over again)? Remember when contacting a new friend or a crush was a challenge? A guy I liked in high school found my AIM* screen name through a friend of a friend and I was ecstatic! The lengths he had to go to just to send me, "Hey wut's up? How's your summer?" My initial reaction of, "Holy crap, who is this person? Do I know him or her?" And then when I find out, "OMG!!!!"

Now just imagine if this same event had gone down over Facebook.

10:15am: OMG! Crushface just friended me!

10:16am: Oh, he also just friended like 10 other people

10:30am: Why is he writing on her wall? He hasn't written on my wall yet.

11:15am: Who is that girl that tagged him in this photo? Why is he having so much fun with her? He just added me, that means he likes me right? Or that he at least thought of me? Right? Right?

11:17am: So I deduced from the friends that they have in common, this mysterious girl is really his cousin.

1:29pm: Oh no! Crushface is now listed as being in a relationship! Tenth grade is ruined!

1:31pm: Oh, he's in one of those fake relationships with his best guy friend. *Sigh.*

2:00pm: He likes that band? Wow, I just lost a lot of respect for him. But, whoah, we have, like, all the same favorite TV shows!

The next day at school:

Me to friend while Crushface walks past: Wow, I can't believe that happened on such and such show last night!

Crushface: You watch that show? That is my favorite!

Me: Really? I had NO idea! That is cool!

CF: Yeah, my cousin introduced it to me over the summer. We went to the beach for a week, but it rained.

Me: I know, I saw the pics..I mean, crap, oh really? That's cool.

And this is how the world will end. People such as myself, who are already prone to anxiety, will become even more so until we all pull out our hair and go Why did that person defriend me?!! No!! I want to be in your top 8!!! Why would she update her status but not respond to my message?

Social network sites destroy hope and real curiosity. In high school I never knew all the top gossip, mostly because I didn't care. I'd find out months later that people were dating, had broken up, etc. Now I know everything and still don't really care but find myself learning more and more. It was great thinking that Crushface had a crush on me too. The only crazy thoughts I could get were created by me, and not his status updates or comments on his wall. It was awesome.

Oh, and people can get famous for doing absolutely nothing, like this girl in Argentina. I tried to figure out why this 17 year old is famous and discovered that she didn't really do much. She just got a ton of comments on her fotolog page. This is just nuts. The NY Times article explains that she gets paid to show up to events and promote products. She gets to stay in 5 star hotels and travels everywhere for free. Okay, I wonder if I could become world famous if I update my Facebook status every minute of every day? No?

In another news, Follow Rageoline on twitter!

*For those too old to know, (or too young and hip) AIM stands for AOL (America Online) Instant Messenger

Top uv the Mornin, Guvner

2009-03-12T20:48:00.007-04:00

I inform you that I am in England by using a traditional English colloquialism (apparently the British are lol-cats). That's right, I'm minding the bullocks here in jolly old England. No, it has not been foggy, nor does everybody break into song and dance sporadically, however, I did pee on one of the royal guards and he did not move.

The first thing Rageoline made me do, after making out with Hugh Grant of course, was to make a b-line to Camden Town, to buy some second hand clothes. After I had donned my tweed jacket and doc martins (urban camouflage in London), we proceeded to hit every market in town — I have never gotten the opportunity to be a tourist before, and I must say, that it is much more tiring than I realized. In my effort to try and see as much as possible, I haven't had a moment to sit down since I got off of that plane. I must say, Londoners have a lot of useless crap to sell.

I later got around to doing the more traditional tourist things, seeing Big Ben, Westminster Abbey, the London eye, Rowen Atkinson etc. Somewhere along the way, it dawned on me, that London is kind of like Disney Land with Shakespeare plays instead of Walt Disney cartoons. At the Tower of London there is an exhibit where children can practice being tower guards by putting on helmets, playing with crossbows, and slitting imaginary princes' throats.

London has been very fun, even though there is no Office (American version) or 30 Rock, so I'm stuck watching Grey's Anatomy, where apparently they have run out of characters for Catherine Hghlglhl to sleep with, so they have brought characters back from the dead. At least there is American Idol, Guyliner and glitter ftw.

P.S. This is Rageoline and Co's 50 post, and we would like to thank all of you out there who have made this blog successful. Especially to all the Hughs out there (Laurie, Jackman, Grant) without you being angry just wouldn't be as much fun.

Elevator etiquette and moaning about the weather

2009-03-04T07:10:00.004-05:00

Elevators are supposed to make life convenient and help you get around more quickly. They are for helping those who are carrying heavy loads or for those who are not physically capable of making it up and down stairs easily. They are not a means of avoiding exercise. If you take the lift up one floor and you look perfectly capable of walking up the stairs, don't be surprised if you hear me exclaim, "Are you freakin' kidding me?" This especially bothers me at the library. People will wait several minutes for the lift to appear, and then will get off one floor later. Why? I'm lookin' at you 20 year old size 4 girl not carrying any books. I will not buy your excuse if it's, "Well, I'm too out of shape and going up the stairs is painful." You know what gets you in shape? Climbing the stairs. Walking up the escalator rather than standing there. Don't make crowds of people, waiting for the down elevator from the 3rd floor wait for you to go up one floor to the 4th. Really, it's super lame. Oh, and if you are going to get off at the first floor, be the last one in the elevator, not the first. It takes longer for the rest of us to get anywhere if people have to get out of the elevator in order to let your lazy ass off.

My second cause for rage today: People moaning about the weather. It's March, not June! Did you expect the end of February to magically bring spring? Before moving to London, I spent my last five winters in New England. Freak snow storms always appear towards the end of March and even through early April. Sure it will feel nice for a couple of days, but the temperature will drop down again. It really doesn't ever start getting warm until mid-April or May. The snow may stop, but we'll get rain, sleet, mud, and everything else instead. My memories of spring from freshman year involve me running down the long walk through the never ending rain, hoping to not be entirely drenched by the time I got to class so I wouldn't have to sit there shivering. The great thing about March is that we finally get some sunshine, but warmth? Nope.

And for people who complain about the so-called "dreariness" of the London winter and current weather, I'm not buying it. We've had more sunshine and warmth this winter than I ever saw in Boston or Connecticut. If 46 degrees and sunny equals terrible winter, then you've never fully experienced a real winter. It really doesn't rain all that much here, and when it does, it usually doesn't rain very hard or last for very long. If you want to experience bad weather, go to Ireland.

The Skincare Boutique of Dr Moreau

2009-03-02T14:08:00.004-05:00

I am going to spare you the March came in like a lion joke, which seems to be almost obligatory for news sources who are covering the fact that here in New England, we just had a friggin Blizzard! What the hell! I am totally going down to Pennsylvania and am going to kick that ground hog's ass!

Ok, I shouldn't be this pissed off. I'm a New England native, and late snowstorms are pretty common here. I can also take this time to catch up on my work and to plan my lessons. But this winter set on early, and I was hoping it would go out in the same way. However, just like that drunk who comes early to your party to start in on your booze, now, at 3 am, old man winter is asking where we keep our bourbon.

At least school is cancelled so I have a chance to simultaneously get work done and melt my brain with some daytime TV. While looking at school closings in my area, this segment came on the TV. Now it is no secret that I have long sought after the secret to un-frizz my hair, but some of these products are just too much.

Is the battle against gingivitis keeping you up at night? We finally have a solution: Pearly Dreams. No, this is not a porn website or a Chinese restaurant, instead it is a product which combines the minty freshness of toothpaste with the soul crushing addiction of sleep medication. You will never forget to brush your teeth again.

I don't know why no one thought of this before. Huge Lips is a lip plumper that includes an appetite suppressant. This is great, I quote 'beauty expert' Jenn Falik "...just bring it to a cocktail party, keep applying it and you will leave skinnier than you came." and Today Show: "...I think I might be having an allergic reaction." That's right ladies, you can now hide your anorexia behind Angelina Jollie-size lips. Jenn should totally be an expert in looking sexy : "Just apply and tell yourself not to eat!"

For our last product today, we talk about WrinkleFree Eyes. These little plastic patches go under your eyes, and while you sleep, they zap the bajeezes out of your crows-feet. Is there any problem a few volts of electricity can't fix? It's like electro-shock therapy, but for your wrinkles! Don't take my word for it, Jenn gives a stunning review: "I tried it, and I can still see!"

Now if you don't mind there is a man with a plow trying to kick me out of my parking space.

Some days I feel like Mugatu

2009-03-01T08:14:00.005-05:00

Okay, so I didn't invent the piano key neck tie, or try to kill the Malaysian prime minister, but I can definitely relate to his "I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!" moment:

Mugatu's feelings about Derek Zoolander's facial expressions pretty much sum up how I feel about U2. Maybe my strong dislike for them stems from the fact that when I was little, my dad only listened to about seven bands/artists: U2, REM, Eric Clapton, Leonard Cohen, Paul Simon, Rod Stewart, and anything involving Mick Jagger. And by only thing he would listen to, I really mean that these were the only musicians he would listen to. Okay, so maybe you could slip some Phil Collins and David Bowie in there for brief periods of time, but they weren't as long lasting. From about 1989 until 2005 those were the only bands I would hear every time I got in his car. For whatever reason, I always hated U2 more than the rest. I remember going to homeroom one day in 4th grade and hearing my teacher and some of my classmates going, "Let's listen to U2!! They are so awesome!!!" My immediate reaction was, "What? That is definitely old people music." Even in 4th grade I thought their music was repetitive and tedious.

And now many years have passed and has U2 disappeared like they should have? No. Has their music evolved or gotten better? No. In fact, it's gotten worse, although there may have been a slight improvement since their super crappy period at the end of the '90s (remember Sweetest Thing?). People are obsessed with this band and I just don't get it! I have only heard the single off the new album and it sounds exactly like all their other music! Why do they get all this attention? Why do they get to play on David Letterman every single night in a week? "Secret" concert on a rooftop in London? Okay, that is kind of cool, but I'm still not sure they're worth it. Bono is a complete douchebag. Maybe he has done a lot of good for the world, but he's also ridiculously full of himself, or at least that's the impression I've gotten since I was little. Every single live performance I've seen on TV has involved him getting all up in the camera. He owns a hotel in Dublin and got caught smoking in it after the ban was put in place. Douche. Need more proof? Watch this. Not only do U2 and Greenday manage to destroy a great song, they also demonstrate a completely unrealistic understanding of how the world should be saved!

Every song is exactly the same. Every single one. See for yourself.

Sunday Bloody Sunday-1983

New Year's Day-1983

Where the Streets Have No Name-1987

I Still Haven't Found what I'm Looking for-1987 (unfortunately, this song will forever be linked to some of my memories from when I was 10)

Mysterious Ways-1991

Staring at the Sun-1997 (yuck)

Sweetest Thing-originally from the '80s, re-released in 1998

Beautiful Day-2000 I have a really hard time distinguishing this song from a lot of their others. It also sounds like something Coldplay completely ripped off.

Elevation-2000, My dad made me listen to the album this was on over and over again on a long car ride and I haven't fully recovered yet.

Vertigo-2004 For a long time I thought this and Elevation were the same song

Get on Your Boots-2009 This sounds a bit more like some of the older stuff, which isn't really that different from the newer stuff. Dumb.

Maybe I'm just nuts, but I'm not hearing a huge difference between this new Boots song and something like Mysterious Ways. Or Beautiful Day and Sweetest Thing. Even Mick Jagger's music has changed more in the last 20 years. Will the band ever break up or do I have to wait for Bono to kick it?

I Can't Haz Billion Dollarz?

2009-02-25T23:26:00.006-05:00

I am very excited. I get to do a follow up article! It's like I'm a real journalist. How often do you get to be angered by something more than once? It's like lightning striking twice, and hitting you in the shins each time. Very exciting.

In one of my more popular posts, I reported on Leona Helmsley, loaded Hotelier and frequent feature in the New York Times crossword puzzle who passed away back in 2007. In a move which is part out of love of animals, and part out of spite for her free-loading family, Mrs. Helmsley left her $6 Billion estate to a charitable trust dedicated to the welfare of animals, and dogs in particular. She reportedly got this idea from Hotel For Dogs.

Now 6 Billion dollars is the type of thing that you go to court for. That is just what Leona's freeloading brother and grandsons did. Much to the dismay of Leona's Bichon Frieze, today a court ruled that the trustees are free to assign benefactors as they see fit. Mrs. Helmsley's relatives say they will use the money for charities which covers "...healthcare, medical research, human services, and education... ." This of course translates into "... our wives' plastic surgery, wives' experimental plastic surgery, hookers' plastic surgery, and putting our kids through college... ."

I'm not a huge fan of this ruling — if I will my heirs to flush my estate down the toilet in small denomination bills, they better damn well do it, or I will haunt them. However, there is apparently legal precedent that leaving billions of dollars to a dog is insane.

That's right, someone has left there entire estate to dogs before.

But, it is probably for the best that this ruling went down the way it did. The Helmsley estate is worth more than the GPC of some small countries, and I have never been one to trust charities... doing things for free, sounds fishy.

Above: Slum-dog, not Billionaire. Still cute.

Are the Oscar folks caving to peer pressure?

2009-02-25T07:02:00.004-05:00

Granted I haven't yet watched the Oscars this year, nor have I seen the majority of the nominated movies, but something just doesn't feel right about a lot of the results (and nominations). The two awards I agree with, although I haven't seen more than a few clips from the movies, are Sean Penn for Milk and Kate Winslet for the Reader. But Slumdog for best picture? Heath Ledger for best supporting actor? Penelope Cruz for best supporting actress? Oh, and Robert Downey Jr. nominated for his role in Tropic Thunder? Either the Oscars are really trying to please everyone this year or the other movies must have really sucked.

Don't get me wrong, I really loved Slumdog Millionaire. It was sad, happy, and everything in between. The story was heartwarming and the characters were great, so was the music and cinematography. But it was ridiculously cheezy and unbelievable, or at least the whole destiny crap was. Some parts were pretty predictable and by the end I wanted to scream when they showed that scene of Latika at the train station for the 8 bajillionth time. I left the movie feeling happy I'd seen it, and did recommend it to a few people. But I wasn't going around saying, "You MUST see this movie immediately!!!" like I did after seeing No Country For Old Men last year. So either the Oscar folks were afraid that the world would egg their houses if they rejected it, or perhaps they simply wanted to pick a feel good movie (if death and betrayal make you feel good) since we're living in some fairly depressing times.

Heath Ledger did a great job in the Dark Knight, but I'm sure the other actors did great jobs in their respective movies as well. I kind of feel like if Ledger hadn't died, his nomination would have been similar to Johnny Depp's nomination in Pirates of the Caribbean. A nice head nod of appreciation but no real expectation that he would win. Although, looking at the other nominees, everyone else looks boring-oh and Robert Downey Jr. is in this category too. What competition! Would he have won if he hadn't died? Maybe, but I'm not so sure. And once he was nominated, how could he ever lose?

Penelope Cruz's win really pisses me off. Marisa Tomei did a great job in the Wrestler, but the writing for her part sucked so she didn't have a great chance of winning. But I've heard that Amy Adams and Taraji P. Henson did great jobs in their roles! And Penelope Cruz? She played the same part she's played a million times. Crazy Spanish woman who seduces main character, comes off as kind of evil, and then shows that she has her weaknesses so that we all fall in love with her? Oh I've seen that one! Was it Blow? Or was it perhaps the Italian Non ti muovere? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's the one (although Cruz is technically supposed to be Italian, not Spanish, in this movie)

So kids, this year's Oscar lesson: You too can win awards if you just remember to take too many sleeping pills and play the same role again and again until someone eventually pays attention to you.

How wrong was I!

2009-02-22T20:49:00.014-05:00

It's finally Oscar night! I'm so excited, I just got to watch three hours of Tim from Project Runway pretend that it is cool for Penelope Cruz to wear an 8 year old dress, and it is finally time for Hugh Jackman to come on to stage! Oh my god Hugh Jackman! He is singing AND dancing! This is amazing! He can pick up Ann Hathaway? That means he can totally lift, like, 35 lbs!

Oh, but now it is time for the first award! The counsel of elder supporting actresses had come out to present the award. It is my first opportunity to be wrong, and I do so brilliantly! Penelope Cruz! But she is wearing fashions from eight years ago! I suppose this is great for her though, it is amazing that she has overcome our latent stereotypes: that Woody Allen movies can't have good acting. I guess she was channeling Jarvier Bardem, that must be what she is saying in Spanish.

Why are the writing awards now? Is the Academy finally admiting that they don't give a shit about writers? How come space chimps didn't get nominated for an Oscar? Damn you Wall-E! Well maybe they should have been Kung-fu space chimps! I am totally copyrighting that! Don't steal it, this idea is going to put my kids through college!

Now for the technical awards which no one really understands what they mean, and usually get thrown away to whoever spent the most money. Daniel Craig and Sarah Jessica Parker are on stage, I would totally sleep with one of those people. I'll let you guess which one. Benjamin Button just got its first win for make-up, because it was difficult to make Brad Pitt look any more like a twelve year old?

Now, Fifteen minutes of Seth Rogen and James Franco are pretending to be funny again. There is something about them smoking pot and watching every major Hollywood movie produced last year. I don't remember there being this much self advertising in the Oscars. When did Meryl Streep become the new Jack Nicholson? Hugh Jackman has acknowledged her existence way too much. I guess this is what happens when get a Broadway star to host... speaking of which he is now dancing with Beyonce. I might be wrong about the Milk thing, this has been the gayest Oscars ever.

What is it with this whole award gang-bang thing that they have going on? Why do they need five best supporting actors give a dead guy an award? By the way... I totally called this one! This makes me 1-1! But then again, this has been coming since last April. You go ahead and cry Ann Hathaway! You'll probably have to die before they give you any awards.

It's time for the Documentaries, which means its time to check out what else is on TV. Bill Marr... Blah blah blah... Ooooh, shiney car chases and... Benjamin Button won for visual effects? Did you see Slumdog Millionaire? They somehow got that girls skin to get like 8 shades lighter as she grew up! That is totally the same thing as Benjamin Button! Oh, they just took film editing, which is like visual effects but artsy-er.

Now we get a Jerry Lewis montage with Viva La Vida. Which gives me an idea: we should totally neuter Coldplay! Oh man, and that guy totally just prayed to Allah on stage! Here go the ridiculous best song performances! At least they are all Bollywood, which adapts very well to cheesy stagyness. Oh man! They are keeping the Bollywood dancers and beat for the Wall-E song. The auto-tuner is messing up on this guy, way to pull a Kanye! I just got my second call right: Slumdog swept the songs!

Slumdog just took best director, who apparently is the whitest dude ever. Here goes the line-up of former best actress women, they are not nearly as old as the supporting actresses, and a little more French. Oh, damn, Kate got it making me 2-2. But I have my revenge as she now has to fight all the previous Best Actresses to the death. Funny story, this tradition is where Adrien Brody broke his nose.

Ouch! I just lost the best actor too? This is terrible! At least Sean Penn agrees with me that it makes no sense that he won. And Best Picture! I totally blame Stephen Speilberg for this one. Even though it is small consolation that a good movie won.

So to recap, Slumdog Millionaire was the big winner, and I was a loser going 2-3 in my picks for oscars.

The battle of the overly zealous atheists versus the I'm gonna cry about it believers

2009-02-20T10:49:00.003-05:00

Religion is always a tricky subject. No matter what you believe in (or don't believe in), chances are that you have gotten into some terrible debate about it. Someone is going to wind up getting defensive. I don't really care what you believe in as long as you accept the fact that my beliefs are my own, and that you try to be a good person because you want to be a good person, and not because someone else told you that you should be. If you want to spread your religion to others show them why they should share your beliefs. Don't tell them that they'll go to hell if they don't-because according to the New Testament, that's not how Jesus got all his followers. And don't tell people they're idiots for believing in a bunch of hocus pocus because that's just going to make people angry.

Typically I've found it's the believers who tend to get all up in your face with the "this is what you should believe in business." From billboards stating "What part of 'thou shall not kill' don't you understand?"-God, to pamphlets at Halloween declaring:

"There is good and bad news for you. The bad news: You are a sinner. The penalty for sin is death."

Flip the page to see a little smiley face and "The good news: with Jesus Christ you can hope to find your way to Heaven :)"

However, the atheists (at least in Britain) are stepping it up a notch to compete in this "who can be the number one asshole?" game. They're doing pretty well. Here are three examples:

1) Atheist ads on buses and in Underground trains. At first I thought that this was kind of cool. Then I thought about it a bit more and found it kind of obnoxious. Are people going to change their religious beliefs because of a bus ad? I certainly hope not. Will it make people annoyed? Most definitely. One bus driver already refused to drive any bus with the ad on it. And a group of Christians responded with this ad, which I find more obnoxious than the atheist one.

2) The next two might not be directly fueled by atheists, but there is an overbearing sense of secularization at any cost. A nurse was suspended without pay for asking a patient if she could pray for her. Okay, so she shouldn't have done it, but what's the big deal? Did she say, "If you don't pray, you will die and go to hell?" No, she asked if she could say a prayer so that the woman would get better. She didn't try to convert anyone. Did anyone consider that this woman was being kind? I tutored ESL for a while and one of my students was so happy that her English was improving that she ran outside, brought her husband inside, and asked him to tell me that she was going to pray for my happiness in the future. Did I scoff at her and tell her that this was an unacceptable way to talk to your tutor? No! I thought I was going to cry because her remarks were so heartwarming.

3) This story disgusts me most of all. A woman's daughter got told off for talking about heaven in school. The mother was brought to the headmaster's office and informed that her daughter should not be discussing these things in school. The woman went to her church and some friends to ask for support, and as a result, may be fired from her job. What??? Oh, guess what? Her daughter is 5! Five years old. You can convince five year olds that rain is made up of God's tears, that monsters will eat them if they don't eat their vegetables, and that thunder is really just angels bowling. How is a five year old going to understand that the God she has been told to believe in her whole life is not acceptable for the schoolroom? Talking about religion when you're young is how you break stereotypes about other religions. I learned when I was about 7 that Jews didn't believe in Santa, when I was 8 I knew that Muslims were the people who made all that noise early in the morning while I waited for the school bus, and informed a Protestant friend when I was 10 that Catholics didn't necessarily believe that all non-Catholics went to hell. Throughout my life I've had friends who've been deeply hurt because of how others view their beliefs. But not discussing it doesn't make religious differences disappear, instead it solidifies them and makes them harder to overcome. That little girl is going to grow up being very confused about what she is supposed to believe in. Is her mom right? Is her teacher right? What has she done wrong? This is a lot for a 5 year old to grasp.

Why should religion be singled out in this way? Why is the kid's mom potentially going to lose her job? If her daughter had called another child fat and said he/she ate too many biscuits, would the mom be in the same spot? No. The daughter would probably be pulled aside and would be told that's not polite, the mom would probably get a phone call, but that'd be it. Unless the kid started bullying other kids or becoming a consistent problem. I firmly believe in the separation of church and state, but I'm not sure that a five year old expressing her beliefs is a violation. Keeping a monument of the Ten Commandments outside a US court house? Yes. Outlawing gay marriage on the principle that marriage is sacred? Yes. Five year old talking about heaven? Absolutely not.

A Valentines Day Quickie

2009-02-14T23:53:00.006-05:00

I'm totally late on this one, I'm need to start thinking ahead and making my holiday specials before the holiday is over.

As you are no doubt aware, February 14 is Valentines day. That special day of the year when jewelery companies take time to remind you that she only loves you as much as you spend on her necklace. I would like to thank the BBC for this article which I sum up here: Maybe not having a place to sleep tomorrow is sexy, flipping burgers is not. I don't know how these geniuses' come up with this, and the British thought it was their duty to educate everyone else on the planet at some point. Warning, this article is pretty intense, my job is in no way in jeopardy, but I'm scared to death that I might be too stressed to have sex. It even features a picture of a young man crying after failing to "perform" in bed, talk about undercover photo journalism. .

However, some people aren't in a relationship, so have created Singles Awareness Day, mascot seen to the right. I point out, Valentines day has always made people painfully aware that they are single. Apparently, the official way to celebrate singles awareness day is by dressing up and making black and white You Tube videos. (I would have embedded this, but the Aussie bastard forbids it). People are aware of singles, and maybe if you weren't so whiny someone would be interested in you.

I Love Pancakes!

2009-02-13T23:15:00.006-05:00

The recession is deepening, you can tell in subtle ways. Fortunately all crises have their upside. Chain restaurants are getting hit hard because people are staying in more, and as a result, the chains have started to make a push for more customers. As a result we are getting little gems like this one from Denny's. I fell asleep watching TV, and woke up to this:

I totally want one!

Every 4 Seconds...

2009-02-06T23:36:00.008-05:00

Right now I'm reading an interview on the Wired Network, with Maggie Jackson about her new book Distraction. In this book, Maggie talks about how our fast paced society is eroding our attention span. Ironically, no one will read her book because it takes too long. If she is such a specialist on attention, she should have made a 15 minute infomercial with the Sham-Wow guy, he knows how to get your attention.

While, I am always skeptical of anything psychologists say, I am writing this while trying to read an interview and watch the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, so there may be something to what she is saying. However, I think that she is a little late on the scene with this. Since the advent of TV, our attention spans have been getting shorter. When working in mass media, the goal is to grab peoples' attention. We have come to expect things to be constantly grabbing our attention, and get bored if this doesn't happen.

We can do a little experiment of our own. In TV there is something called the four second rule, which states that there should be a major change on screen, at most, every four seconds. So after every major change (a camera cut, a major shift in screen dynamics, a dude being mauled by a lion) start counting, you'll notice that you will rarely make it past four before there is another change. This works especially well with commercials and prime time television.

This is where my obsession with advertising comes from. I am always amazed at how well people have distraction down to a science. Whether it is those annoying Green Peace volunteers who stop you in front of Starbucks, or the ShamWow dude on your TV, it is very hard to avoid people who are vying for your attention. It is no wonder that we are conditioned to expect distraction, and feel out of place when we don't get it.

I'm even having trouble concentrating on one thing to be pissed off about in this article. When asked whether there is hope for adults whose attention spans are lacking, Jackson responds, "The only sort training going on now in the office world is meditation-based... ." She inadvertently points at the other source of our attention problem. Rather than realizing that we need to learn to deal with situations where you need to pay attention, we try to make the problem go away by taking drugs. Then again, I suppose no one makes any money when you learn to cope with your problems on your own.

Jackson goes on to talk about what the affects of a ADD society might be. Of course, she has to grab your attention with the hyperbole of saying that we will be plunged into a second "dark age". In this future hell-scape she envisions, people are distraction-junkies whose loyalties belong to those who can shout the loudest. Where we are addicted to gossip, we get our information from sensationalist news, and learn science from watered down newsstand paperbacks.

@(#$(#Q$()*#@&$!!!

2009-02-04T17:13:00.003-05:00

So many things have angered me over the past week that I can't even manage to use proper words anymore. I really wonder about this world sometimes...

1) The battle between footnotes/endnotes and bibliography formatting. Come on guys, do you really have to be different? Why must I put an author's first name first in footnotes but have to put it after a comma and the author's last name in the bibliography? Why commas in one and periods in the other? Parentheses vs. no parentheses. Why? Why are you not exactly the same? Why an indention for the second line of one but not the other?

2) London's inability to remove the ice from the sidewalks in my neighborhood. Don't you people have an overabundance of salt? It's not like you use much else to flavor your food.

3) This guy is a douchebag. 100% Douche Extraordinaire. If I had more energy, he'd get a post of his own.

4) That crazy lady who has a bajillion babies. She claims she's "obsessed" with having babies. But 14? And no husband? How would she even be able to look after all those kids on her own or afford them? She doesn't even have a job! It's not like she accidentally had all these babies, she got fertility treatments after she already had six kids!!!!!!! Oh wait, I know how she'll pay for them. By getting famous. Lame.

5) News coverage of the lady with a bajillion babies and of Michael Phelps. What was that? Iran is potentially up to no good? I'm sorry, I was too busy being stunned by crazy lady and Michael Phelp's being his usual douchey self to notice.

How many S's in Punxatawney?

2009-02-02T23:32:00.005-05:00

So it has happened, Punxatawney Phil was too hung over from his post superbowl reveling to come out of his hole this morning, and has doomed us all to 6 more weeks of winter. Way to go Steelers, you might have won more Super Bowls than any other team in history, but now I have to pay for oil for another 6 damn weeks!

What is it about groundhogs day which captures our imaginations? Usually when I use an animal to predict the future, I just cut it open to read its entrails. What else could possibly bring us to care about Punxatawnassassipi Pennsylvania. A quick gander at the Wikipedia tells me, that like all great American traditions, Groundhog Day has it's roots in medeval pagan holidays.

Whatever the reason, this holiday fuels small town economies all over the country, and gives morning news show anchors to do for once. It had given birth to a classic Bill Murray movie. There are even some weird spin-offs. Like Bostons Drowned Hogs Day which is a holiday dozens of drunk Bostonians jump into the harbor, and if their nipples go point, we get six weeks without erections.

It could be the cute animal, or the quaint old-fashioned feeling of looking to nature to tell us the future, but something keeps us coming back. Maybe this year, Bill Murray will finally blow up that damn groundhog. (or was that a gopher?)

We are all so very bored

2009-01-31T19:48:00.004-05:00

In case you haven't noticed, Christmas is over, and has been for a little over a month now. We have passed New Years Day, and MLK jr Day, and are rounding upon groundhogs' day. Yet for some reason, Rageoline felt the need to send me this:

Which is quite the blast from the past for me: I faintly remember being young and thinking "Your not frosty! Be funny damnit!", but my mom telling me that it was beautiful, so I had to watch. Rageoline however, finds this extremely funny, and refused to stop laughing, that is until she found:

Nothing gets Rageoline going quite like effeminate boys wearing t-shirts accompanied by orchestras. "But it's not just the t-shirt, its the t-shirt over the long sleaved shirt, with the jeans and skater shorts," she protested, just before sending me this:

Apparently this kid is the shit when it comes to prepubescent singing, too bad he is going to lose his talent when his balls drop, if they haven't yet. Then all he'll be is a very rich twenty something with the weirdest first name ever.

Me, I'm just confused.

Statues of Naked People

2009-01-28T18:24:00.013-05:00

February is a surprisingly good month for TV. The prime time season is in full swing, and they have moved on from unveiling new characters to giving hints as to whom they are going to kill off for the season finale. The biggest night on television is this weekend, the Super Bowl, where the nations companies compete to see who can make the best 30 sec video. However, there is another film-making competition, later this month: the 81^st Academy Awards. (Right: Jarvier Bardem tries to give Oscar a boner)

This mother of all award shows, the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences' annual presentation ceremony dwarfs all other awards. The Golden Globes can't possibly compete and the Grammies are nothing but more proof that Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences is just a party school (Yale to AMPAS' Harvard). There is no greater display of opulence than watching the red carpet to see who Jennifer Antison is wearing, and whom Billy Bob Thorton is wearing!

In honour of this great sceptical, I am going to help feed your gambling addiction by making forecasts as to who is going to win what. So grab some pop-corn, call your bookie, and bask in my wisdom. I will tell you who is going to get their hand on that fabulous golden naked man.

Best Actress in a Supporting Role
While Taraji Henson probably gave the only noteworthy performance in Benjamin Button, I'm going to go with Amy Adams: "What's that Mr. Squirrel? Philip Seymour Hoffman is putting his thing up little boys rectories? Oh my!"

Best Actor in a Supporting Role
While Josh Brolin is over-due for one of these things, the Academy doesn't seem to have their head on straight for this category: They receive an epic fail with Robert Downey jr as their token minority pick. And while Philip Seymour Hoffman touched me with his part in Doubt, being killed by an Olsen twin will give Heath Ledger the edge he needs.

Best Actress in a leading Role
Since Bride Wars bombed so bad, I'm assuming that Ann Hathaway is nominated for Get Smart, which she was out-shown by Steve Carell, The Rock, Alan Arkin, and that little Asian dude from Heroes. And while Kate Winslet is on a roll (role?) this year, Catholic is a slightly lesser evil than Nazi Guard/Pedophile in Hollywood. So the Oscar goes to Meryl Streep.

Best Actor in a Leading Role
I have no idea who The Visitor is, so I assume what's his face is not going to get it, and there is no way that a guy playing Richard Nixon will get it (those wounds are far too fresh). Mickey Rourke won the Golden Globe, and that is a dumb award, so nope. While Sean Penn won the Screen Actors Guild Award, the Academy are pussies when it comes to political issues, and thus will pass up Milk for the sadly predictable Brad Pitt in Benjamin Button. In Brads defence, I haven't seen narration like that since Ron Howard on Arrested Developement.

Best Picture
There has been a lot of buzz about Slumdog Millionaire, the movie which has been a breath of Bollywood air on this rather stale season. Slumdog will definitely sweep the Original Song, and original score for their deft use of MIA. However, I'm going to say that Benjamin Button is going to win, because the Academy is boring.

I could go on to call things like Best Sound Mixing or editing, but who knows what any of these things mean (What the hell is a Foreign Film?). So I will have to leave you with these predictions and let time test my knowledge of Hollywood.

PETA=a bunch of America hating terrorist pansies

2009-01-28T04:35:00.004-05:00

I am going to do my best to put aside my disdain for vegetarianism and veganism for at least most of this post (If I have kids in the future, I would be mortified and possibly disown them if they attempted to become a vegetarian or vegan before turning 18). It'll be tough, but I'll do what I can.

The title of this post probably has you going, "What? Terrorists? America hating? Pansies to be sure, but isn't calling them a bunch of terrorists going a bit too far?"

I say absolutely not. Let's cover the pansies aspect first. A Best Week Ever post brought me over to PETA's website and a video of their banned Super Bowl commercial. In the commercial, almost naked women dance around being seduced by asparagus and pumpkins. The message is "Vegetarians have better sex." After my eyes had fallen out due to the horror (don't worry, I put them back in again), I continued to watch their remaining video with reasons why to convert to vegetarianism. The video is pretty awful. Crappy music, dramatic "acting," and people smiling while animals are being slaughtered in the background. Here are a few:

#3: Because eating meat and dairy makes you fat.

Hmmm....because eating crappy vegetables at a salad bar and lettuce with bread makes you really skinny. Not all vegetarians cook healthy food so this is kind of a ridiculous statement.

#4: Because you shouldn't have to lie to your kids about the food that you eat.

Why not? Parents make stuff up all the time! You can lie to your kids about Santa and tell them babies come from storks but you have to tell them where hamburgers come from? When the kids get older, they'll figure it out, will have a moment of "I can't believe you've let me eat this!" then remember how good it tastes and get over it.

#5: Because in every single package of chicken (which they repeat a couple of times) there's a little bit of poop.

PANSIES!!! Seriously, how unprofessional does this sound? So what? Do you see the poop when you're cooking? Do you taste the poop? Have you died yet from eating it? Don't you rinse off your chicken before cooking it? You do cook your food right? We supposedly swallow spiders in our sleep. We can't avoid gross things no matter what we do so we might as well suck it up and deal.

#6: Because meat is filthy and bloody.

Um, again, don't you cook your food? I personally like my red meat on the rare side. Bloody to me means more flavor.

#12: Because no one should have to make a living from killing.

People have been killing animals forever. I don't really understand why all of a sudden it's considered "violence." Is it "violence" when my old cat killed a squirrel? The only difference between humans killing animals for food and animals killing animals for food is that humans think about it way too much.

And now on to the America hating terrorist part. Think about it, what do terrorists do? They use aggressive (and almost always underhanded) tactics to scare people out of doing something. Their targets don't stop believing in something or doing something because they've suddenly been convinced that their ideology was wrong all along. Instead, they stop because they're scared that something bad will happen to them if they openly profess what they believe in. How does this actually help your cause? Sure it gets attention, but ultimately, those who force their beliefs upon others will not be remembered kindly in the history books.

PETA also targets "fur offenders," or prominent celebs who continue to wear fur despite the fact that it's now considered offensive to do so. Instead of making people feel bad by going on about how wearing fur is a complete luxury in this day and age and no longer a necessity, they pour paint or whatever else on them in public. The expensive coat is ruined and the animals have now died for no reason. PETA defaced Sharon Stone, the Olsen twins, and Aretha Franklin's Hollywood stars with the words "fur hag." Okay, so some graffiti is not as bad as putting a bomb in a trash can, but the mentalities behind them are similar. How are people supposed to gain respect for the cause when PETA takes such despicable actions?

Have they ever done any research beyond what goes on in the slaughterhouses? Do you know what brought the British and French over to the US and Canada? In part it was the fur trade. People built various fur trading posts, helping to create trade routes. Fur was a method of bringing different nationalities together, as well as Europeans and Native Americans. It wasn't all good, but it wasn't all bad either. It started out of necessity and then became more of a fashion statement. How can you condemn Aretha Franklin for wanting to wear fur? Of course we shouldn't go around making fur coats from white tiger fur or other endangered animals, but I find it hard to get all bent out of shape because someone is wearing a mink coat (mink are typically farmed for fur). And what's the problem with leather? I love my leather jacket. It looks good, it feels good, and it's lasted a long time. Not to mention that it keeps the wind off better than any of my synthetic material jackets. I took textile chemistry in college and know that synthetic material doesn't necessarily mean better for the environment. In some cases, especially with more recent developments in synthetic materials and manufacturing methods, synthetics are better, but certainly not in all. My issue with fur is that it's really not practical in most parts of the world these days. London certainly doesn't get cold enough for a full-out fur coat and a lot of the time, they kind of look ridiculous. However, some fur coats are gorgeous and I don't think I'd say no if someone gave me one.

I could go on and on about how much PETA aggravates me, but I think I've said enough for one day.

Actors who want you to think they have standards, when in fact they don't

2009-01-26T17:18:00.004-05:00

Have you ever seen the movie Lost in Translation? If you haven’t, Bill Murray plays a washed up action star, who goes to Japan for a few days to film a whiskey commercial. At one point, a bunch of Americans in a hotel bar recognize him, although it takes them a while to figure out who he is. In order to make some extra money and find some direction in his ever so boring life, he goes to Japan. No one recognizes him, his wife and kids get on his nerves, and not even people from his own country really know who he is anymore.

It’s not really so bad when actors who aren’t really in the limelight anymore go to foreign countries and try to make some money. However, what about the celebs who think they’ve still got it? These same actors claim to be reputable and want you to believe that they are serious about their professions. But instead, they escape to other countries and star in commercials they'd never be caught dead doing in the US.

Here are some examples:

Pierce Brosnan in L’Oreal Men Expert-I don’t know if these commercials have aired in the States, if they have I certainly haven’t seen them. This one is so obnoxious that I couldn’t even find one in English. I’m a Pierce Brosnan fan, but what’s the deal dude?

This one is pretty bad. George Clooney in a Nespresso commercial. Would you ever catch him in an ad like this in the US? Capsules of coffee? I'd prefer some freshly ground beans, thanks.

How about Jason Lewis in this Aero Bubbles chocolate commercial? You’re probably asking, who is Jason Lewis? Remember Smith Jarrod from Sex and the City (aka the guy Samantha actually sticks with for more than ten minutes)? Perhaps he shouldn’t really be included in this list because he’s not super famous. But the commercial is kind of sad because his attempts to get famous for his acting “skills” obviously haven’t worked out too well for him.

This is by far the worst one of all. Iggy Pop dancing around against a purple backdrop for a car insurance commercial. He appears in jeans and no shirt (as usual), and we all have to look at it. Gross. Okay, maybe he’s not a movie star and his career has kind of faded, but doesn’t he still make music? Wasn’t he supposed to be groundbreaking in his genre, or all inspiring to bands like the Red Hot Chilli Peppers? How is Iggy Pop spazzing out and muttering on about random crap supposed to make me want to buy car insurance? Despite the fact that these commercials have given me nightmares, I don’t even know what company they’re for. Maybe in this case, I shouldn’t be mad at Iggy Pop, but at the stupid insurance company.

In other news, I was totally right about that pesky Yo Yo Ma at the inauguration! In my last post, I raged a bit about his ability to play outside, in 20 degree weather, without gloves, a hat, or a jacket on. Well it looks like my suspicions about him were correct. He was only kinda sorta playing for reals. I just knew that there was no way he could seriously be that happy if there wasn’t a recording in the background!

Obama's First Week: WTF!?

2009-01-25T16:08:00.007-05:00

Obama has just finished his first week, albeit a short holiday week (are you saying we should make our first black president work on Martin Luther King Jr. Day?). People all over the planet are in agreement: what is takin' so damn long?

"I know it's only been a week, so I can't be too hard on him for not fixing Iraq and Afghanistan." said a man from your home town, Burny Maddeupp, "But I figured he would have at least cured AIDS by now."

However, disapointment is limited to people in your hometown. Sheryl Gay Stolberg of the New York Times says, "How dare you kowtow to reality Barack!" (Okay, I'm paraphrasing, but at least I fought the urge to put quotation marks around her middle name.) Obama still operates on Windows XP, and that bastard advocates for change! You can't change anything if your screen is frozen!

Conservatives are disappointed too. Fox News is entirely in denial that he is even president

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Fox News Fear Imbalance

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

Rush Limbaugh, is bitterly disappointed that the apocalypse has not happened yet, because it would be better for Republican prospects in 2012. Bill O'Reilly, when asked for a comment replied "Who the fuck are you? Okay, that's five words so you owe me $1,200."

"Obama is on the slow track compared to other Great Presidents," tells Presidential historian and fictional character Dr. Jeff Fakesworthy, "Washington had already made 76 historical firsts, and 320 not so historical firsts, by this point. Lincoln, while it took him a little while longer, instituted a 'don't ask don't tell' policy for the Irish in the military. Andrew Jackson wrestled a bear and two moose between the swearing in and the inaugural ball,and by the end of the week, half of congress had musket balls lodged in various parts of their bodies."

I know what you are thinking: "Can I trust anything you say?" To this I reply, don't lose your faith in Obama just yet. I know you thought your gravy train had come in on Mr Obama's coat tails, but remember, rail transportation is very slow, unless you are on one of those super-fast Japanese bullet trains... We should have elected a Japanese president, that would have been sweet. Where was I? Oh, you were talking about me.

The District Sleeps Alone Tonight

2009-01-20T23:40:00.007-05:00

Rageoline is right, I feel terribly un-American for missing the inauguration today, and for teaching Mathematics to University students! The second and third most un-American things after futbol, What? Too elitist to get your hands dirty? Now as I am watching Stephen Colbert photoshop different facial hair on Barak Obama, I wonder how I could miss this wonderful moment in history?

How could I miss the twenty-four hours of mind-numbing news coverage, which will not let me forget that I am watching "an" historic moment. What was I thinking not being elbowed by 2 million people, just to see Cheney become the emporer from star wars? How can I not be slightly slighted by Obama chosing to be sworn in using his middle name "Hussein", how dare he be sworn in using the name of a deliscious Afgahni chicken dish?

But I'm missing the important part here. In this time of war, this time of economic struggle, and this time when (!Spoiler Alert!) the Chinese are secretly planning to invade, we have come together as a united nation to peacefully transitioned our most reveared office. We have focused so much of our hope for the future on our first half-black, half-Abraham Lincoln, half-Jesus, president of the united states. Barack seems to know how to dance, so I think we made the right choice.

While we have a mountain of tough times in front of us, this day seems to have reminded a lot of people, that we have come through a lot to get this far, and the Chinese haven't asked for their 11 trillion dollars yet, so anything is possible. But then again, what would I know, I missed it to teach math.

If anyone can get mad about the inauguration, it's me

2009-01-20T18:28:00.008-05:00

Yup, sure can. Don't believe it? Here goes:

1) Okay, so maybe this first one isn't really about the inauguration, per se, but it does have to do with Fox News coverage of the day before the inauguration. I normally attempt to block out what most of the Fox News correspondents say, but yesterday I actually put down whatever I was doing and looked up in shock at the screen. One of the correspondents had said, "We're starting to get a lot of Facebook twitters at the moment." I'm sorry, but if you don't know how the internet works, please don't try to pretend like you do. I've heard stories of professors who've referred to "Myface," and this is equally bad. For the record, Facebook and Twitter are two different websites. And it's called a "tweet" or "tweat" not "a twitter."

2) Fox News coverage in general. I wouldn't normally choose Fox over other (more technologically advanced) channels, but it's what my mom watches and I was too lazy to go anywhere else. For the most part, it wasn't all that bad. There was a lot of cheer going around and there was no bitterness about Obama becoming the president. However, I sometimes wonder how these people make it on to television. Other students in my program offer more thoughtful commentary over a 15 minute coffee break than these people do over the course of 4 hours. Here are some examples:

a) While Obama's family was walking onto the main platform, the correspondents were blithering about how finally there was a black role model for young black people. They actually stated that he was one of the first non-thug/gangsta role models around for people to look up to Wow, that is so true. If only I could think of someone young black people could have looked up to before Obama. Nope, can't think of one. None, whatsoever.

b) They went on, incessantly, about what Obama said in his speech immediately after it was over. They harped on how nothing he said was worthy of being engraved in granite. They then referenced famous speeches by previous presidents and how what Obama said didn't hold up to that. Leave it alone! The speech was powerful, it said what it needed to, and compared to who was giving the speeches before him, it was a freakin' masterpiece. Don't give him a hard time, when you use the word "misunderstimate" in your programming.

c) While Obama's limo was moving towards the White House, the announcers continually went on about Jimmy Carter getting out of the car to walk by the people all those years ago. "When will Obama get out of that car?" Guess what. He's America's first black president in a time when terrorism is a pretty large threat. Any nutjob could have a gun. Unless you've got the time and patience to frisk 2 million plus people, you never know what might happen. So the chances of him getting out of the car, slim to none.

3) This whole issue over Biden's wife slipping up to Oprah. Honestly, who cares? Hillary was Obama's opponent. Unless everyone has forgotten, the two weren't always buddy buddy. Obama didn't have to offer Hillary a position at all, why should we be that surprised that he didn't necessarily think of her first when going through his list? So stop mentioning it every time the camera focuses on her!

4) Chief Justice Roberts messing up the oath. Seriously dude? Although, Obama smiled so this is more funny than anything else.

5) Ted Kennedy. Way to steal Obama's thunder. KIDDING!!!! I'm just impressed he was able to be out and about with all the trouble he's had lately.

6) Yo Yo Ma and the rest of his quartet. It was less than 20 degrees in D.C. today. And yet, the man was sitting there, playing his cello in a suit. No jacket, no gloves, no hat...and yet he had a big grin on his face. I've always been the type of person, even as a kid, to wonder when the main character of a book goes to the bathroom. I'm always able to predict the end of movies with twisted plots because I pay attention to stuff like "He forgot that thing in the kitchen." So I can't believe that Yo Yo Ma is really doing okay in less than 20 degree weather without at least a neck gater. And no, I'm not your grandma. Take a look at this cheery (and yet talented) bugger.

7) The Redcoats. Come on guys, we all know you're still a bit bitter about that whole "no taxation without representation" thing back in the 18th century, but don't you think it's time to leave well enough alone? Sure Aretha sang "My Country 'Tis of Thee," which you claim we "stole." Just because we made your national anthem better doesn't mean you have to get all huffy about it.

8) Stinkerton is not a true American. He was too "busy" doing "work for his PhD" and "teaching" to actually watch the inauguration. He even told me, "I missed the part where Obama got slimed."

9) Spellchecker on Blogger, for still not accepting "Barack" or "Obama" as correct spelling.

IQ Test

2009-01-16T19:43:00.004-05:00

Fox News came to the rescue of Chesley B. Sullenberger III, US airways pilot who has become something of a modern day superhero (he is good at flying because he's a wasp). Apparently some boob at Chesley's home town published his school records and IQ to the general public. Fox was so outraged at the thought of publishing this hero's private records they forgot to do one thing: not publish this hero's private records!

False Idols

2009-01-15T16:46:00.004-05:00

Tuesday night marked the beginning of yet another installment in Fox's, reality TV sensation, American Idol. Once every year, this juggernaut casts its shadow on Tuesday and Wednesday night television. Spilling into the morning show on every radio and network TV station, this program forms a black hole of gossip that you can't escape. Even if you turn off your cell-phone, put on your tin-foil helmet and ignore all electronic devices, your normally reclusive People-reading office-mate storms into your cubical to tell you how David Archuleta, "just isn't that cute."

I usually cannot bring myself to watch this Seacrest-ation, Lets do some math, each week, each contestant is asked to sing a 1:30 song clip. So, even in the first week, that is 1.5× 12 minutes = 2 hours over two nights.

However, I enjoy making fun of people more than most, so since there is nothing better on prime-time TV, I somehow convinced myself it was okay to watch the auditions. In case you are one of those Amish people who is on leave, these COMPLETE idiots come from all over the land to embarrass themselves in front of... four judges? four? Am I seeing double? Are there two Paulas? No, can't be, she looks sober: She has the presence of mind to realize that it would be good for ratings to get in a cat fight with the bikini-clad Missoran. Some more math:

Crazy Chicks × 2 + drunk chick = ratings!

Who is this Kara DioGuardi (it's not delivery)? After a half-assed Google Search, all I can tell is that her only claim to fame is that she is hot, nicer than Simon, and that she is the former roommate of Paula. Can this girl really be Simon's replacement? Simon brings intelligent, insightful, well formulated observations to the show, and this girl holds Paula's hair back...

At least there is a silver lining, we don't have to deal with that doe-eyed, dread-locked d-bag Jason Castro in this season.... NOOOO!

Some pre-coffee crankiness

2009-01-15T06:02:00.007-05:00

Forgive me if I seem extra cranky today. Actually, I don't care if you forgive me or not. Because it's cold in my house, I'm still jetlagged, I'm tired because I haven't had any coffee yet, and I'm too tired to make coffee (terrible, I know).

Today's crankiness is brought to you by:

Sarah Palin's current rants about the sexist media and how it hurt her chances at becoming elected.

I will certainly agree with her that perhaps the media hasn't exactly been super kind to her (in some cases perhaps more than kind). She's been speaking up a lot lately, defending herself and placing a lot of blame on others for what went wrong. Regarding her expensive wardrobe, she laments her frustration at being judged for what she wears. She wants to know why no one is asking what Obama's wearing but everyone is giving her a hard time.

What makes me mad is not because I believe she's wrong. Okay, her wardrobe did sound kind of outrageous, but it's true that those questions haven't really been turned on Obama (although we did question how many cars and houses McCain owns). What bothers me is that when she was first nominated, she accused Hillary Clinton of being a whiner. Apparently, Hillary was holding women back by mentioning that women politicians tend to be hit harder by media pressure. She claims that Hillary has done herself a "disservice" by drawing attention to herself and that fact, and so has also hindered progress for women in America. Hillary was hindering progress. The woman who didn't have the McCain campaign protecting her every movement and telling the media she wasn't "ready" for interviews. The woman who actually made us believe that maybe one day the US could actually have a woman president.*

*Side note: Why was it, that when Obama won the candidacy over Hillary, that the media erupted with a frenzy over what a historic event it was? Yes, it was historic and really awesome for our country that a black man won it, but wouldn't it have been equally historic if Hillary had won it? The whole thing boggled my mind, and still does.

The Daily Show did a funny piece about Sarah Palin a couple of nights ago. I guess she's not just bringing the fact that she's a woman into the equation, but also her class status and the fact that she's a Republican. If she'd been running as a Democrat, things would have been a lot better for her. Oh really?

Let me ask you a question Sarah, would you like some cheese with that whine? Maybe I'm wrong here (which I'm not), but aren't you doing exactly what you didn't like Hillary doing? Shut up or admit that Hillary was right.

Female Superheroes: Why I hope it doesn't happen

2009-01-10T11:53:00.003-05:00

When I was a freshman in high school, there was a large group of us that would sit together at lunch almost every day. The group was pretty much an even mix of guys and girls. Fairly frequently, we would get into a heated debate: which is better? Men or women? Without fail, the guys would argue for men and the girls would argue for women. There was simply no conclusion to the debate because the longer it continued, the more each side would feel justified in believing it was correct. Oftentimes, the arguments were pretty stupid and each side tended to mention over-the-top generalizations of the other sex in order to prove its point. A lot of the time each side wouldn't hear the other side's argument because there were too many shouts of, "Yeah!" "Oh snap!" and "That is so not true!" going on.

As an adult, I find that the argument continues, now only slightly better articulated. A recent example of this is the debate over female superheroes. I read a couple of posts about it over at Jezebel and then followed links to articles for and against female superheroes. The article for it was written by a woman, and the article against it was written by a man. I did find the woman's article much better than the man's, and now kind of want to see a female superhero movie happen just to spite him. Seriously, that guy's article was a POS.

However, I have to disagree with Jezebel and the woman arguing for female superheroes. Not because I agree with Mr. Douchebag McDouche, but because superhero movies are dumb. Believe me, I love action and violence. No Country for Old Men is one of the greatest movies I have seen within the last few years and my favorite part from the Matrix when I was younger was the metal detector scene where they blow up everything. But every time a new superhero movie comes out (with the exception of a couple, like Batman), I groan. They are so stupid! Nerd with secret identity and boring life develops freak powers (knowingly or unknowingly) and fights some inexplicable monster. The nerd all of a sudden becomes super cool and develops the ability to destroy things that get in his way. The reason I like Batman above all the rest is because he doesn't have superpowers, he just happens to be awesome (and in really good shape). Why would any woman want to take part in any of that? To return to my freshman high school self: Superheroes are lame and boring. Trust me ladies, we can do better.

As much as McDouche (as I've taken to calling him) sucks, he did make one or two points I could almost agree with. One was that women wanting a female superhero is kind of trying to give women something that men like instead of giving women what women want. He then craps on his own argument by saying that women want romance comedies and Julia Roberts. Wrong. While I might rather go see Slumdog Millionaire than Iron Man, I am not rushing out to see the latest crap with Ann Hathaway in it. However, I think there is something to be said in the fact that not all women have a strong desire to see superhero movies. Yes, many do, but not all by any means.

In high school I was pretty into karate (see, McDouche, I like getting punched in the face and ovaries) and found that the men and women had pretty different reasons for signing up. While a lot of the young men found it fun and a great way to get in shape, almost every single woman in the class had a defensive reason for taking it. In a women's self-defense workshop we had, every single woman in the room had had a bad experience and wanted to be able to protect herself and her family from a future incident. Of course most of us also loved punching and kicking things, but there wasn't some greater desire to show off to our friends (okay maybe we did a little bit). My sensei commented on how a lot of the time his female students tended to correct their technique faster than his male students. While many of the men relied on strength, the women understood more quickly that strength was not going to help them perfect their technique. From my own experience, the women I have known have not wanted some fantastic superpower help them defeat all the evil in the world. Instead, it's about using what you already have and knowing what you can get away with.

How about instead of a female superhero we have more movies featuring female badasses? Beatrix Kiddo from Kill Bill, the girl from Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, Trinity from the Matrix, and Eowyn from LOTR are all awesome. Each has her weaknesses, but knows how to kick some serious ass. Maybe that would encourage more women to take martial arts classes before having a horrible experience push them into it. Give us something believable, like a woman who really can defeat her enemies without having been born near some toxic chemical waste site. My favorite heroines do not rely on fancy technical gadgets to save them, or lasers coming out of their eyes, but their back fists, round house kicks, and sword fighting skills. They also don't try to save the world in one go or stop criminals, but fight their way, little by little, to the forefront, where they show that women are, in fact, better than men. Everyone knows that female baddesses are way more fierce than male badasses.

If one of these female superhero movies ever actually does come out, I hope she doesn't wear high heels. If she does, I will be inclined to beat her up myself.

Liskula Cohen: Genius, Idiot, or Skank?

2009-01-07T15:23:00.004-05:00

In case you haven't yet heard the news, former model Liskula Cohen (who?) is suing Google. Why? Because a Blogger blogger called her a 40 year old skank. The name of the blog: Skanks in NYC; the poster: anonymous.

As I see it, there are three possible reasons that she may have done this.

1) She is a complete genius. As many other bloggers have pointed out, no one has heard of this woman. Do a google search for her name and one of the first things that pops up other than this "news story" is her friendster profile, a true sign of fame and success. Who uses Friendster? Didn't that exist when hotmail was still popular? Apparently, some dude threw a bottle at her face in the past couple of years and ruined her career. When your profile page on an ailing social networking site isn't boosting your career, you know what will? A lawsuit so inane that everyone will pay attention and wonder, "Is she serious?"

2) If she takes this lawsuit seriously then she is a total idiot. She claims that she wants to know the identity of the blogger who has "defamed" her and believes that he or she is just "jealous" and "envious" of her. She wants to know who her "enemies" are.

First of all, if you choose to be famous, you have to accept the consequences. Not everyone is going to like you. And what exactly has this anonymous blogger done? Written gems like this:

"OK so there are so many nasty bithces in the NYC scene, so now we can write about them...She's (Liskula) a psychotic, lying, whoring, still going to clubs at her age, skank."

So Liskula, are you mad that he/she called you a "psychotic, lying, whoring, still going to clubs at her age, skank" (wtf does that phrase mean?), or that he/she implied that you were a "bithce?"

I'd like to sue you for making the blog famous. If you do succeed, you'll probably have jump started some sixteen year old's career.

Besides littering the interwebs, he or she hasn't really done anything lawsuit worthy. Unless Liskula, you are opposed to freedom of speech? Let's see, which of Blogger's terms of use has he/she violated?

a) Posted pornography: nope (unless you include the photos of you acting fairly skanklike)

b) Hateful content that promotes "hate towards groups based on race, ethnic,origin, religion, disability, gender, age, veteran status, and sexual orientation/gender identity: nope. If it is hateful, it's directed towards your pleas for attention rather than at your gender.

c) Violent content: nope

d) Copyright: nope

e) Private and Confidential Information: nope

Impersonation: nope

f) Unlawful use of services: nope

g) Spam, malicious codes and viruses: nope

So basically, you want to sue him/her for remaining anonymous and for being "jealous" and/or "envious" of you.

3) She is indeed a skank. According to www.dictionary.com, skank means:

a) A rhythmic dance performed to reggae or ska music, bending forward, raising the knees, and extending the hands: So Liskula, what do you have against reggae or ska? Perhaps someone should be suing you for defaming the word "skank."

b) Disgusting or vulgar matter; filth.

c) One who is disgustingly foul or filthy and often considered sexually promiscuous. Used especially of a woman or girl.

I have no idea whether she is actually sexually promiscuous, but she has gone to quite great lengths to make herself famous. She has proven, quite well actually, that she is not a classy lady. A classy lady would have either ignored the blog postings or responded by creating her own blog. A disgustingly lame lawsuit and filthily immature behavior? At this point I'm not really convinced that she's not a skank. Oops, maybe I'll be sued too now.

The Right Man for the Jobs

2009-01-07T14:35:00.005-05:00

Longtime readers of Rageoline & Co (both of them) know that we are mildly obsessed with that bad man behind blue eyes, Dr. Gregory House. It is probably our shared affinity for cutting witticisms, but something about that limey bastard makes us want to curl up inside his 5 o'clock shadow. So, it is with a bated excitement that I get to make a House-esque diagnosis, complete with wry sarcasm, powerplay, and most importantly, deception. All this wrapped in a neat prime-time TV package, with the Fox Network signature disregard for real people with real problems.

You are reading a blog, so it is safe to assume that you already know that two days ago, Steve Jobs, Apple CEO and Starbucks Massiah, released a public memorandum stating that his absense as MacWorld Keynote was not due to the fact that he has not seen his family for 11 years (a paper thin ruse House would have seen through instinctively). In fact, it was due to a chronic weight loss problem that he had been suffering with throughout 2008.

In his January 5th Memo, Jobs informed Apple Employees, investors, and latté sipping assholes, that this weightloss was due to a "hormone imbalance" which was robbing him of "nutrients." According to Jobs' airtight memo, he was already undergoing the "relatively simple" treatment. Imediately, the sharpest of the latté sipping assholes, the bloggosphere saw something wrong. And, like Chase, Cameron, and Foreman have flubbed speculation without finding any direction, they haven't even come up with any good puns on Jobs' name!

It could just be that Jobs is dumbing down the specifics of his ills for Joe Macbook, he could have said 'hormone' when he meant 'enzyme', or he could, as some brilliant Hackers have been trying to tell us in fact be dead. However, experts are quick to point out that hormone problems tend to increase metabolism, and not "rob proteins."

There is one hormone imbalance, however, that does rob of protiens. Anorexia Nervosa. "But House," Cuddy would say, "that is a neurological disorder." and I would cut back, with a hint of a smile "You went to med-school and they didn't even explain how your anti-depression meds work." What's more the treatment is relatively simple. Eating a sandwich is simple, relative to someone who doesn't have anorexia. No one can blame Jobs for being under stress. CEOs worldwide have been biting their nails over the credit crunch, Jobs just managed to get the rest of his finger down there.

Plus, Jobs has all the reason in the world to want to hide this condition from already skiddish Apple Shareholders (or as I call them, iVestors). Look at how frightened the bloggosphere is of losing one of their greatest champions. If Steve Jobs disappears they will have to put their Obama bumper stickers on an HP!

However, if this was an episode of House, we would still have to discuss a half dozen more obscure and rare illnesses. Finally, it would turn out that tainted cotton candy gave him a strange parasite that only feeds on billionaires. But in all seriousness, I would like to wish Mr. Jobs a quick recovery and a happy and healthy new year.

This post brought to you by the letter G*

2009-01-04T11:54:00.004-05:00

Last night, Stinkerton and I were watching Saturday Night Live when all of a sudden the TV was asking us, "What is G?" Our first response was, "What is this?" then, "Is this a joke? It has to be a joke. It's some sort of SNL spoof." A black and white screen, various athletes who slightly moved their heads, a guy with a gruff voice mumbling something about "G" being the emblem of a warrior. How could this possibly be serious? Then, Tiger Woods' face appeared and we knew that it was a real commercial. We instantly had two questions:

1) What the hell is "G?" At first we thought, maybe it's yet another extreme fragrance commercial. We'd have to do some research to figure out what this stuff was.

2) What won't Tiger Woods advertize?

After some googling, we discovered that "G" stands for Gatorade. Really, Gatorade? I'm not sure how I feel about Gatorade trying to push itself up to some sort of divine level. Sure, it helps to replace electrolytes after you've been exercising, but is it really what makes the "swagger of an athlete?" Is it really "a lower case god?" I don't think so. It's a sports drink, that's it. And talk about great advertizing. No one knows what "G" is supposed to be. The commercial doesn't show the beverage at all or even have the word "Gatorade" subtly mentioned anywhere. We're supposed to either just know or take a really good guess. Google results show that a whole lot of other people don't know what "G" is either. Do you know how difficult it is to google a letter? I got results for G-Unit, G-Flex, G-Shock, and eventually came across the answer. Ridiculous!

Do you remember when Tiger Woods was still likeable? He shocked the world by being part African American, part Chinese, part Thai, part Native American, part Dutch, and by having the name Tiger. At a time when golf was just something that boring white people did (and kinda steeped with racism), Woods appeared and really swung some life back into the game. People, even mini-golfers like myself, started paying attention (albeit just for a little bit) as the next greatest golf sensation since the invention of the Arnie Palmer took our breath away (okay, maybe no one paid that much attention).

But now, I wonder if he even plays all that much golf. He has become the posterboy for almost every product ever. How could I tell that the "What is G?" commercial was real? Because Tiger Woods was in it. I'm really starting to wonder if there is anything that he will not accept money for to advertize. So far he's showed up in commercials for:

1) Nike
2) Gillete
3) Gatorade
4) Tag Heur
5) Accenture
6) Buick/GM
7) Titleist
8) American Express
9) General Mills

Nine major advertizement deals. At this point I'm not sure whether there is an actual product in the commercial or if I'm supposed to be paying for Tiger Woods' face. Tiger, don't you have enough money? You seem like a nice guy, or at least your highly marketed smile seems to imply that you are, so how about you get back to the game? Maybe we can all remember you by some new cocktail, rather than as a guy who'll do just about anything for money.

*And in some parts by Stinkerton

P. Diddy needs something better to do with his time

2009-01-02T01:50:00.004-05:00

P. Diddy (aka Puff Daddy/diddy/Sean "Puffy" Combs/Sean Combs/Sean John??) has recently come out with a new fragrance entitled I Am King. He created a $500,000 mini-movie for it. This may be more extreme than the Nicole Kidman Chanel No. 5 commercial mentioned in my last post.

I am not all that surprised by this mini-movie. However, it's not simply intended to sell cologne...it's also an audition for him to become the next James Bond. In case you haven't seen this gem, here it is:

In an article in the Times, Diddy explains his motivation for wanting to become the next Bond (and tries to promote I Am King). The author discusses the election results and how proud and joyful Diddy felt on November 4. Now let's go over the aspects of the interview that filled me with rage:

"Combs believes that if a black man can enter the Oval Office, then a black man can become James Bond. And that man is him."
Hmm, so instead of a young black teenager thinking that he might not face as much discrimination on a day to day basis, or might have a better chance at getting a great job, or believing his parents when they tell him that he could in fact be president one day, he can instead look forward to becoming James Bond. Congratulations P. Diddy, you have really set some high-class priorities.

He later slightly compares himself to Obama:
"I remind Combs that he recently said that when people see Obama, they see a strong and elegant black man. Is that the way he views himself? He points to a picture of him in the white tux, the same one looming over Times Square. 'Yeah, I mean that's the way I view the images.'"

This is the same man who later describes I Am King as "the best juice you can wear on your body." Yeah, that's elegant all right. So let me get things straight here, this:

is equivalent to this (in terms of elegance of course):

Okay, I've gone way off track. Back to the James Bond thing. My first response to P. Diddy wanting to become the next James Bond was, "Doesn't this douchebag know that James Bond is British?" (You're saying, 'Sean Connery was Scottish!" That is still part of the UK my friends. 'Lazenby was Australian!' Part of the Commonwealth. 'Brosnan was Irish!' Geographically close enough. As long as you can get that swagger going, you're good). I read further and discovered that Diddy had, of course, developed a mini-plot.

Here's an excerpt from the interview: '"Yeah, I mean, it's about time. You know, white people aren't the only people who have to save the world, or be president. You know, I think that James Bond from London should be sent on a mission to come to New York and should meet me, black Bond....he should get kidnapped, and I should save HIS ass.'"

Oh, but he doesn't want to get rid of Daniel Craig, "he should just know that he has a counterpart in the United States."

Um, I have a few responses to this:

1) Has he ever watched a James Bond movie? A US counterpart to Bond already exists, and his name is Felix Leiter, who is sometimes played by a black actor. In fact, he has saved James Bond's ass several times.

2) JAMES BOND IS BRITISH! How many US spies/action heroes/saviors/captains of the universe do you need? In almost every movie ever, some US dude has rolled up at the end to save everything. What do the British have? Hugh Grant, Colin Firth, and Orlando Bloom. For crying out loud, let the British have James Bond. I have nothing against the idea of the next James Bond being black, but he can't be American. In fact, I think other members of the former British Empire should be arguing for a slice of that shaken-not-stirred martini. India, don't you think you deserve some of the action? How about you China? Egypt?

3) P. Diddy clearly does not understand the essence of James Bond. He actually likes Daniel Craig, who is a great action star, but not a real Bond. Where is the charisma? The puns? The getting away from the enemy on one ski? Would Diddy be able to say something like "shocking" after electrocuting a bad guy? His mini-movie shows that Bond is all about fancy suits, casinos, jet skis, helicopters, and models. But it's not. It's about beeing cheesy, suave, a little bit sleezy, and most of all, British. Plus, am I really supposed to be intimidated by this:

So get over yourself P. Diddy and try doing something useful with yourself instead of making some stupid perfume and trying to pass it off as manly. As someone once said, "Mo Money, mo problems." Hmm, if only I could remember who said that.

I just don't know anymore

2008-12-22T17:03:00.004-05:00

I have never fully understood perfume. Yes, it can smell nice in small amounts. It can spruce up an evening out, I guess. Or it can make you smell like a grandma. Any time I go to a mall I hurriedly sprint through the perfume section, hoping that one of the salespeople doesn't manage to squirt me with anything after asking, "Would you care to try our new fragrance?" Perhaps it's because I have sensitive sinuses and anything too overpowering makes me sneeze, but I just never really understood the hype.

This typically doesn't tend to be a problem. I don't know if I have ever gotten into a conversation with anyone under 50 about buying different perfumes. But all of a sudden the advertising industry has decided that I must buy perfume and lots of it. I thought this was some sort of British phenomenon until I came back to the states for the holidays and realized that it is everywhere. Has perfume all of a sudden become ridiculously popular? Or does the credit crunch mean that people have to find new and less expensive ways to feel glamorous? Well, I can't go on vacation anymore, but if I buy x perfume I'll feel confident and sexy and it'll be like I'm on vacation every day!

What drives me insane is the sheer amount of these perfume ads. Every day I will see a new one that I had never seen before. This has created an avalanche of over the top, obnoxious, and long fragrance commercials, which dominate pretty much all ad time. When salespeople and cool looking bottles aren't doing the trick, TV commercials are the way to go. The problem is that potential customers can't smell the product so somehow their attention needs to be grabbed. They have kept getting more and more extreme and I no longer know which fragrance I should be wearing.

Here are some samples. I have ordered them in what I consider to be least to most extreme:

Here is a relatively simple one for Chloé Eau de Parfum with a CSS song in the background. Somehow the model's dancing/hair flipping doesn't quite suit the music.

Bond Girl 007 from Avon: apparently a more adventurous fragrance. No celebrity in the commercial but it does play off of Quantum of Solace.

A Touch of Pink from Lacoste: A little more action in this one. Stupid little preppy dress with a girl who sounds like she never properly learned how to speak.

Fuel for Life by Diesel: There are about a thousand different ads almost exactly like this one.

Magnifique by Lancome: Oooo a celebrity! It's Ann Hathaway and a really annoying song!

Inspire by Christina Aguilera: She wants you to know that she can play this game too.

Diamonds from Armani: Even more glamorous than Magnifique, here is Beyoncé going completely over the top.

J'adore by Dior: You know what would trump Beyoncé's ad? Charlize Theron getting naked:

Insolence by Guerlain: Hilary Swank wants you to know that she can get naked too, with awful music in the background.

Chanel No. 5: The ultimate annoying and most extreme perfume ad (and possibly most extreme ad in general) out there. Baz Luhrman+Nicole Kidman+randome dude+too much money=a poorly acted Moulin Rouge ripoff with a slightly hotter lead male role. Oh, did I mention that the ad is 3 minutes long?

You may be thinking, "Geez Rageoline, you kind of went over the top with all those videos." But you know what? These videos represent only a fraction of the crappy commercials that I have to see every time I turn on the TV. How am I supposed to decide which stupid fragrance I should purchase? The whole purpose of a perfume commercial kind of becomes irrelevant once the competition creates their own commercials. Hopefully this phenomenon will end after Christmas, or else I might just go crazy.

What you should know about this medicine: Side effects=ultimate lame

2008-12-15T11:10:00.004-05:00

Every now and then you'll be watching one of your favorite shows on TV and along will come an advert for a prescription medication for some sort of awkward disease or condition. The announcer will try to subtly and soothingly go over the long list of potential side effects, or the side effects will simply flash up briefly on the bottom of the screen. The hand-holding couple or the smiling elderly woman will hope to distract you from the side effects. But once you've paid attention, you can no longer ignore the fact that the SIDE EFFECTS ARE EFFIN' SCARY! So, your insomnia might go away, but you might gain heart problems and massive headaches? Or you might die? Or you might get anxious? Ladies, did you know that if you go on antibiotics you might get a yeast infection? Then you will need yet another prescription to counter the side effects of your original prescription. FUN!

Of course I can't avoid prescription medications at times, but they never cease to anger me. I went to the doctor on Thursday and discovered that I have some sort of neurodermatitis. Basically, anxiety and stress have caused me to develop a minor skin condition, meaning that my skin gets incredibly red and itchy for no real reason. Awesome! Who would have believed, that me, someone nicknamed Rageoline, would ever be prone to stress or anxiety? I informed the doctor that Benadryl makes this all go away but makes me incredibly drowsy. He prescribed another antihistamine, which is supposed to help me out. I practically skipped out of the doctor's office with my little prescription paper in hand.

Then I picked up the prescription and checked out the little information pamphlet and was filled with some minor rage. Here's why:

"Why I have been prescribed this medicine?"

"Ucerax can be used in the treatment of anxiety in adults and also to treat pruritus (itch) in adults and children."

Okay, so we've established that it treats anxiety and "itch." Now, moving on to possible side effects:

1) Drowsiness-Yes! The very reason I started taking this one was to avoid drowsiness, gee thanks doc.

2) A dry mouth

3) Blurred Vision

4) Constipation

5) Urinary retention

6) Abnormal liver function-!!!!!! OMG!!!

7) Weakness/Fatigue-I can't wait!

8) Malaise

9) Allergic reaction/Shock (racing heart, cold and pale/Bronchospasm (breathing difficulty)-oh crap, oh and way to over-parenthesize and forget to close one section up instructions

10) Headache

11) Insomnia (difficulty sleeping)-hmm, as I seem to remember part of the reason I went to the doctor was because I was having difficulty sleeping because of this condition?

12) Allergy skin swelling-hold on a second...

13) Confusion

14) Disorientation

15) Itching-WTF??? You're telling me, that my anti-itch prescription might cause itching?

16) Tremor (shaking)

17) Agitation-again, WTF? Isn't this supposed to treat anxiety to a small extent?

18) Rash (eruption of the skin)-I really don't remember what this medication is supposed to treat anymore

19) Convulsions

20) Hallucination

21) Increased heart rate

22) Nausea

23) Abnormal movements-what does this even mean?

24) Low blood pressure (feeling dizzy on standing)

25) Vomiting

26) Fever

27) Sweating increase

Perhaps I was merely confused, disoriented, or hallucinating, but did I just count twenty-seven possible side effects? Either the company that makes Ucerax really wants to make sure its ass is covered in case of a lawsuit or they just don't know what their medicine is supposed to do. I am so comforted knowing that I could start shaking or sweating at any moment. That should really help calm my anxiety down. Perhaps I'll call my doctor at some point but I'm just feeling too filled with malaise at the moment to do anything about it.

The Ultimate Rageworthy person

2008-11-26T19:33:00.001-05:00

=Stinkerton

Canada, Americas' Russia

2008-11-26T19:03:00.002-05:00

Rageoline has informed me that Canada and Russia are nothing alike. I say NAY (like a horse), and that there are a plethora of comparisons that can be drawn between the two countries. The first and most obvious is that they are both very large and very covered in ice. Superman's fortress of solitude is in Canada, and Stalin is from Russia. Both of them are nick named: "man of steel"! Eerie!

Less superficial, they both have had failed coups. Russia had the Russian revolution, and the Canadians have Quebec! Both have had border disputes with a the USA. Canada and the US have decided to have their border along the 48th paralell, and the US and Russia have divided most of the Eastern Hemisphere. Russia was once ruled by the Mongoles, a nomadic people whose empire spanned most of Asia. Canada was once ruled by England, a nomadic people whose empire annoyed the entire world.

Both cultures are very fond of their beards and seafoods. Russia in particular has been trying to controle a warm-water port for five centuries, and Canada has been trying to controle Newfundland for just as long.

So in conclusion the two countries are very similar, and you can make any arguement you set your mind to!

Zuckerberg's Law of Useless Information

2008-11-11T18:34:00.004-05:00

Now that the election is finally over, it is safe for people in the media to talk about other things, even though there are a few stragglers who think they can still turn heads by trying to call the hotly contested race for first dog. Normally this would be the sort of thing to set me on an acid spewing rant, but I am really sick of politics, so I shall refrain.

Instead I draw your attention the Web 2.0 Summit, or as I like to call it, the meeting of the G2.0 (that's a foreign relations joke, if you are wondering why you are not laughing). There Mark Zuckerberg, president of the illustrious nation of The Facebook, has made a feeble bid for a place in real-people history by positing a defining law for the stalwart science of social networking. "Zuckerberg's law," as the coinage goes, states that every year from now on people, in the general sense, are going to be willing to share twice as much about themselves as the year before.

Despite the fact that this is a terrifying revelation, this statement has been met with a surprising reverence. There is the slight criticism, that this law bares some similarity to Gordon Moore's Law which points out that the number of transistors in a micro chip roughly doubles every two years. This is not to be confused with the Dalton/Moore hypothesis that the plot gets twice as dumb every two Bond movies. Aside from this, all across the Blog-o-sphere, people are bowing down to this chip of "wisdom" from the mother-of-all bloggers, the person who reincentivized staying in on a Saturday night, Mark Zuckerberg.

Now, in the tradition of Einstein, let us perform a thought experiment —Think of everyone you know, not just your friends, everyone. Now ask yourself how many of them do you want to know twice as well? Take a second.

Exactly.

What Mark doesn't seem to ask "is there a point when we just cannot share any more about ourselves?" Some have claimed that we will be stuck in a Zeno's Paradox style loop of never quite making it all the way to total disclosure. However, I believe, which is corroborated by the existence of catbook, that Zuckerberg is wrong about the information we share on the internet.

While it may be true, that we will post/share/twitterize exponentially more information each year, it won't be information about ourselves. Instead we will make up information to feed into the ever-growing social network system, in a "keeping up with the Joneses" fashion. For example, a couple of years ago, someone might not have even thought about their cat's favorite movie, but today we post, for all the world to see, that Wall-E really changed the way the Snuggles thinks about his carbon paw-print.

I will end by noting that Google's spellcheck offers "bloodsucker" as an option for correcting Zuckerberg's name, touché.

Update to Ultimate Dumb Live Blog Post

2008-11-05T06:19:00.003-05:00

Wednesday: 11:20 Yes! Boston 103 Houston 99!

Oh, wait a second...Obama wins!!!!

Live Blogging is the Ultimate Dumb

2008-11-04T19:23:00.029-05:00

Daniel Craig is on TV, yes! Oh, excuse me, I was too busy paying attention to what's on my TV to remember that I had started a post. Stinkerton and I have been discussing our annoyance with Live Blogging. Who cares what you, almighty blogger, has to say minute per minute? Holy crap, Tom Cruise just went to the bathroom at 9:15 OMG!!! To prove just how stupid it is, Stinkerton and I are each doing our own live blogging of election coverage. If you're not bored by now then I don't know what help remains for you. I'm not sure how long this will last on my end as I live in the freakin' UK.

Rewind to 15 minutes ago: Holy crap, Wolf Blitzer has just beamed some woman onto the stage. It looked like R2D2 just vomited her up.

0:27 GMT: Wow, am I watching CNN election coverage or ESPN? I am mesmerized by your touch screen capabilities! You really know how to circle those hot spots with your finger Mr. my face resembles an old piece of ham with a toupée.

0:29: Stinkerton is trying to hold conversation with me about House and Obama having AIDS or something, but I am just too amazed by Wolf Blitzer's tiny stature compared to CNN's giant Poll Closing screen. We then discuss Blitzer's facial hair. I stopped typing for a second because I needed to scratch my head.

0:31 WOLF BLITZER WILL NOT STOP WALKING!!! OMG ANDERSON COOPER I LIKE SO TOTES LOVE HIM. HOW HIS HAIR SO WHITE?????

Um, are they discussing the election or are they currently at a Starbucks studying for the next econ exam? Why do these people need so many computers? Are you guys reading my live blogging? Please please say yes, I really want to win and have my precious words read aloud on TV.

0:33 This is dumb, let's see what's on Fox. This guy's voice is about to lull me into a deep and dark sleep. Oh a countdown clock until the next poll closing! These guys are so advanced!! Oh that lady appeared on a big screen, almost as good as a hologram, but not really. There are so many. things. on. the. screen. how. can. i. know.what.to.watch??? And why is the background so red? I get it, the Fox network is made up of communists, or Americans, or communist Americans, yeah, I'm pretty sure that's it.

0.36: Bloomberg, they are so advanced they are using Powerpoint or something like it!!! I can almost read the bullet points except for the ridiculously fast moving ticker at the bottom of the screen, Singapore? Wait a minute, why am I looking at a picture of McCain while hearing about Singapore? Too much finance! Next!

0:38: Ooo BBC! They are just so British I have to trust them on everything they say. There are so many crowds, is this Ascot? Where are all the funny hats? Wow, Cindy McCain not only looks like a resurrected skeleton wearing makeup, she also looks much younger than McCain. You know McCain, you really should have gone for an older woman so that you looked all young and buff in comparison. They are making some annoying jokes, skip!

0:41, wait a minute, this isn't the US election, this is the House of Commons!

0:42: That guy is wearing a purple tie on top of a purple shirt, fairly daring I'd say. Wow CNBC can use Powerpoint, extreme ticker scrolling, six pundit boxes, and moving backgrounds. I am wowed. Oh, and the yelling isn't distracting and obnoxious at all.

0:48 Have just stopped staring blankly into space to realize that CNBC has not one but two fast moving tickers. AND IT CONTINUES DURING THE COMMERCIAL BREAK!!

0:49 TV France, why are there Americans speaking right now? Why are Americans discussing the US Election on the show News & Magazines. Breaking News: Obama takes Vermont. O RLLY? Big freakin' whoop. What is the deal with these polls? Everyone keeps talking about these polls. Yes! Stupid Americans wearing baseball hats and gloves drinking bottled water TV!

0:52: Why am I having so much doing this (was going to edit to say "why am I having so much fun doing this, but it's funny the way it is)? Did I just admit that? On to Aljazeera, yes, I really care what this Australian dude has to say to the next US president. Oh, what fashionable coats and scarves. Ooo and a green tie. Aljazeera is winning the fashion prize tonight. Oh, things just got serious, time to switch again.

0:54: Russian TV, Cubans for Obama! Post Soviet split (how often have soviet and split been in the same sentence?) on who they want next

0:55: I just don't know what channel I'm watching now but the woman said "very unique" which doesn't make sense (if something is unique there is nothing else like it, there cannot be different levels of uniqueness). Whatever this channel is, it looks like it was recorded off of someone else's TV and then re-aired via Skype. Their ticker doesn't even fully fit on my screen and is not moving at all. Lame.

0:57: OMG It's Carl Rove on Fox News. How can I turn from you Rovey? What is that tie you are wearing? It's orange with some sort of pattern on it, and your microphone looks kind of like a spider so it's kind of like you've prepared for Halloween, which was on Friday dude. OMG less than a minute until the next polls close!!!!!!!!!! ELECTION ALERT!!!

1:01: Rove isn't speaking anymore, I can't watch this channel. Yes EuroNews is en francais!! Le woOt (remember folks, that t is silent). Oui c'est toute a fait logique. Ouch, it feels like I have a splinter inside of a really painful blister. Ah Non! Les polls sont fermes en New Jersey!

1:04: Damnit! The Welsh channel has gone to bed, I guess I'm not getting my coverage from those guys. Stinkerton gets to watch the Daily Show's live coverage. I have to wait until tomorrow :(

1:08: Ham face is back on CNN! Who let these guys upload Kid Pix onto their fancy schmancy screens? Do you guys remember Kid Pix? It was amazing! I wish I had it on my computer right now so that I could fill my screen with purply slinky like things. Oh yes, the election, so much screaming!!! Stinkerton lets me know that the word for "polls" in French is "sondage." Well did you know that the French for "douche" is "le douche?" SNAP!

1:12: Stinkerton asked if I called him a shower. Nope! Shower="la douche" not "le douche." Note the difference spam breath.

1:13 Is it Christmas? Was that the national anthem? Oh just the Phoenix Boys Choir. It sounded really creepy in the background. O-HI-O! Did any of you ever learn that song in middle school where you sing all the states' names in alphabetical order? Cuz I did. Did you realize that West Virginia was a state? Because I forget that it is almost every day. Every time I reach the end of the song I go, "oh yeah, there's an extra one of those Virginias."

1:18: Ugh, commercials about gorillas and Egypt and stuff. You should read Supreme Courtship by Christopher Buckley. It's pretty funny.

1:22: Back to Fox for the clock, ooo 6:30 to go!!

1:25: We've been live blogging for an hour now! I feel so productive!!!! Working on papers and presentations tomorrow is going to be awesome! I love exclamation marks!!! BBC has a "flurry of projections" Awww Barack cast a vote for himself!! Hey spellchecker, you might want to start recognizing Barack and Obama as real names.

1:29: CNBC=channel with most use of hair dye and styling products. It is also the most unintentionally hilarious. "Barack brings a different color (literally)." "Diplomacy is a very important game." Have you guys ever played Diplomacy? Maybe I'm pulling out my total nerd points right now, but I think it rules. CNBC also argues more. Has their logo changed since the last time I was watching? Oh no, they just have two different logos to accompany their two tickers. Patriotic music! I feel inspired to send my absentee ballot in all over again two weeks ago!!!

1:33: I have found the ultimate election coverage!! The Celtics game!!!

1:40: Pee break! Isn't live blogging so awesome? You get allll the details. Stinkerton and I should be paid to do this. So, let's see what's happening now. There's lots of flag waving and fist pumping in Pennsylvania...wait a second, NO! Those people are not just doing a regular fist pump, they are CERTAINLY jihadists!! No, it's already happening. We are totes screwed America.

1:45: Celtics 4, Houston 8, Garnett, did you forget to eat your peanut butter and jelly today? Oh nope, now they scored. Um, I get the feeling that live blogging and basketball just don't go together.

1:48: I just realized that it is now Guy Fawkes day in the UK! Yay for backyard bonfires and fire works!

1:53: I should probably split this into two posts, but I'm getting cranky because it's late and I don't wanna. Stinkerton and I have also realized that we've gotten the live blogging formatting kind of wrong, but it doesn't matter because IT IS DUMB! Is this major commercial time? Every single channel has commercials, oh wait Fox won't because they have the clock!

2:00: Sooo tired, must stay awake. Must make it to two hour mark. "Electoral bonanza" on CNN. Hey, did someone add an electoral vote game to Wii Play? Because that's what it sounds like.

2:04: Hah, John Sununu defeated. That's a funny name. CNBC and CNN are beginning to blend together. They both begin with "CN" (Wait, so does Cartoon Network!! Why don't they have that here?), and they both have lots of beards. "The country's grown up." Wait, that sounded serious. Let's bring this down a knotch. Anderson Cooper is standing up while all the little econ students continue to sit in their little Starbucks!! How come Blitzer gets to play video games while these guys have to cram together at one table on bar stools?

2:07: I am kind of amazed by obvious statements being made on CNN: "We could possibly see the first black president, but we don't know yet." Did you guys not realize this until right now? Well there must be hope for me in this world if you can get onto CNN with only a second grade education.

2:10: When I rule the world and control all of the dictionaries I will ban the words "maverick" and "rogue." "Maverick" will say: "see Douche," and if you are lucky enough to have a copy of the M volume of the Oxford English Dictionary (OED), you will find, "Maverick: once meaning rebel, however the word lost its meaning after douchebag John McCain used it in reference to himself over and over again. See: douche, douchebag, Miss. Congeniality"

2:16: TV France, British correspondent speaks with obnoxious McCain supporter-ugly tie, baseball hat with McCain and Palin proudly showing, "I believe that McCain can still pull this out." Correspondent: "You believe he can pull this out?" "Yes, he can pull this out." Yeah Obama can use the internet! I wonder if he reads live blogging?

4:30: Oh no! After a strange electoral shift McCain has won!! I guess he did "pull this out."

2:23: Just kidding. It's not even 2:30. I've passed the two hour mark which means I can go to bed! CNN is playing Hank Williams right now, definitely a sign that I'm done and need to go to bed. I guess you imaginary readers will have to analyze the coverage on your own! Unless Stinkerton keeps this up. And for the record, Boston 45, Houston 39.

Election "Live Blog" Post

2008-11-04T19:19:00.039-05:00

Even though the only thing that grinds my gears more than small dogs is live-blogging, there is way to much rage to pass up a pass at election night coverage by the major 24-news networks.

I kicked off the night by having Ragoline tell me to turn on the TV becauseWolf Blitzer had just beamed up a correspondent. So I tuned in to watch fifteen minutes of Wolf pretending to talk to Sarah Yellin who was being green-screened in from Chicago. Someone is putting their MacBook Pro to good use.

0:31 TU: Apparently Wolf Blitzer has lost all of his power because Bill O'Rielly shaved his beard.

0:37 TU: Fox News, the star of tonight's post, has enlisted a doomsday clock to countdown the time until the polls close here on the east cost. And the Issues chanel apparently is wondering why Hillary lost, which makes me wonder what Issues refer to.

0:41 TU: Fox News is now joining the cognative world in calling West Virginia for McCain.

0:45 TU: I am really tempted to watch the episode of Scrubs on Comedy central, its the musical one. I would like to take this moment to muse as to why the soap opera network is next to Fox News.

0:47 TU: CNBC stole a page from the Palin-Porno, Six pundits at once!

0:50 TU: Fox News: Bill Crystal, you have come a long way from When Harry Met Sally.

0:51 TU: The Weather Chanel is covering the weather in Florida and other battleground states, awesome.

0:54 TU: CNN: Wolf just named all the states on the Eastern Time Zone, fun fact, he is working on his GED right now.

0:55 TU: Radio France International has called Florida for Obama. This is True: As of Sunday (Dimanche) Their election map for 2000 recorded Florida as going to Gore.

0:58 TU: Rove alert on Fox News!

1:00 TU: Closing time, you don't have to go home, but you can't stay in the White House, unless you are Cheney.

1:01 TU: Errata, RFI has not called Florida for Obama, it is just yesterdays polls. Is it weird that I know the word for polls in French, but not the past tense?

1:12 TU: Rageoline has just called me a "the shower".

1:13 TU: Wolf Blitzer has just announced that 56% of 0% of West Virginia Voted for Obama! I am wondering if Bush has ever worn a sticker that says :"I Vetoed today". That would be clever.

1:16 TU: BET has the most civil election coverage I am seeing right now, why do the Republicans have a boys choir, at their party headquarters?

1:26 TU: VH1 Just told me to "not be an ass" and vote.

1:28 TU: CNBC has just told me that america need a president that will give them a hug.

1:30 TU: Polls close in Arkansas. Virginia, would you stop making love and turn in your results already.

1:35 TU: Telemundo is broadcasting a shot of a jumbo-tron with CNN on it, very bizarre.

1:39 TU: Apparently Barack Obama is playing in concert at Chicago's Grant Park, and MSNBC has just shown footage of everyone in Alaska voting.

1:45 TU: Rageoline says I'm so serious. Well, she doesn't know that MSNBC has a giant hollographic penis! Oh wait, thats Florida...

1:46 TU: MSNBC: "cut to the nut" ... tee hee.

1:52 TU: Rageoline has informed me that I am live-blogging it wrong, apparently the most recent post should be at top. I have Informed her that no one is reading this.

1:56 TU: Fox News: The orange in that jacket totally doesn't match fiscal conservative-ness of her hoop earrings!

1:59 TU: I didn't know that you could buy the giant ipod touch that they display in the Apple store windows. Cool fox news, cool!

2:00 TU: CNBC just dissed Obama's Kansas roots, that's cold!

2:04 TU: ESPN is running down the greatest moments in presidential history, and showing a consrvative bias, because apparently Eisenhower had no game, but Reagan brought it (even though Reagan is a girl's name).

2:07 TU: I totally want to be the guy who looks up all the state nick-names for these news organizations. They must make a mint by looking things up on Wikipedia.

2:10 TU: With Wolf and Anderson walking around to all these different stations, this is like the MOST INTENSE episode of Mr. Rogers ever. And picture-picture mated with Hal from 2001.

2:15 TU: Comedy Central is airing the episode of Futurama which Nixon steals benders body (get it?), and becomes re-elected. Foreshadow?

2:19 TU: Fox news has an even bigger IPod? What the hell.

2:23 TU: CNN: Its yellow dog Democrat, not bluedog democrat, there is no such thing as a blue dog! That is just absurd!

2:30 TU: Rageoline is going bye bye, which means I'll probably lose interest, there is only so many jokes one can make about a news network overcompensating with giant IPods and holographic penises.

9:49 RPT (real people time): Who is legs McGee on Fox News and why is she hitting on all the number crunchers? Oh snap, Carl Rove just busted a "flip-flop" up in here.

9:52 RPT: BET is booking Chuck D as an activist, which may be true, but is not the first thing that comes to my mind when you say Chuck D.

9:57: Chuck D just blew my mind.

9:59: Is Fox News using the 24 noise for its countdown clock?

10:01: Fox News just offered Carl Rove a cookie, i believe there is a childrens book about this. I also believe it ends in Nuclear war.

10:02: Daily Show coverage just began, this feels a bit meta.

10:11: Nutmeg state you say?

10:12: Things are winding down. Fox News has totally lost all its fight, I'm pretty sure Carl Rove has been drinking. Wolf Blitzer has gone to bed, so I think that it is time for me to untether myself from the computer. I would like to take a moment to thank all the folks who made this possible. This has been a historical election, and I owe thanks to Wolf Blitzer, Carl Rove, and the entire country of France. Of course I couldn't have done this without Rageoline and Snarkmonster, even if Snarky had "real things" to do, and had to write "stuff people would read". But most of all, I would like to thank the American people, whose appetite for getting information faster, louder, and on bigger computer screens has made this sublime process a spectacle truly worth screaming at.

This Week's Rage List

2008-10-31T11:24:00.002-04:00

Okay, so perhaps I'm not feeling my ragiest. After all, it's a beautiful Friday and Halloween. However, I am supposed to be working on a presentation, which means that I can of course think of everything but my presentation. Here's hoping that some rageolicious writing helps get me back into work mode. Oh, in case you're worried, I was filled with extreme rage at least twice over the last week.

5) The US postal service

Or at least the postal service in Brighton/Boston. Before I moved to London I requested to have all of my mail forwarded to me here. For the most part it's worked out okay. Until I received someone else's mail. This would happen from time to time while I lived in Brighton and I thought, okay fine, we do live on the same street, I can just leave it here and the mail person will take it to the right place or drop it off later. When the mail man/woman is in a rush, he or she might not stop to go "oh, whoops, this says building 19, but this is 15!" Plus the mail box only had our last names on it, how would he or she know that no Bridgett lived in building 15, apartment 6? A simple enough mistake. But, when mail gets forwarded, the post office has to put a sticker on the envelope, with the forwardee's name and address. This happens before the mail ever makes it to the building. The mail wasn't even meant for anyone in my former apartment and my name is certainly not Bridgett. So thanks post office, for inconveniencing myself and Bridgett. Plus the post office is then supposed to notify the sender that the recipient has moved, which just isn't true in Bridgett's case! And if this Bridgett has moved, she certainly hasn't moved to my house. If you can take time to put a sticker on an envelope, you can take a second to check the name.

4) People who take their cigarettes out before getting outside

This didn't use to bother me or phase me in anyway. Perhaps I just hadn't noticed people doing it. But recently I have noticed several people, either in cafes or shops taking out a cigarette before leaving. I even saw a student at my university's library take one out while at the self-issue station, which isn't even near the exit. They don't take out the cigarette pack but just one cigarette. I find this acceptable only when it is raining or extremely cold outside, which it is not today. This bothers me in the same way that people drinking crappy beer out of a can on a sidewalk at 2:00pm alone does. I understand that most people find some sort of relief/enjoyment/satisfaction from smoking, or at least they must have at some point or else they wouldn't have started in the first place (I don't know, maybe some people say 'mm delicious, I'll have the cancer please, followed by a slice of crappy skin/voice/lungs). But by taking a cigarette out of its pack well before stepping outside, when you know that it'll be a few minutes before you get to smoke it, shows that you have long since passed the enjoyment stage and have moved completely into the "I need it now" phase. Why should this bother me? Mostly because I don't like being bowled over by people who "need" their smoke and manage to then smoke their cigarette in the doorway. I would really prefer to make it out of the cafe/library without getting your fumes all over my coat.

3) Inconsiderate pedestrians

There are two types of inconsiderate pedestrians. The first category involves the "in a complete" rush type. They cut you off at every opportunity even if it means they wind up only passing one person on the escalator. For the most part, at Tube stations people who don't want to walk stand on the right of the escalator and people who do move up the left. Sometimes an obnoxious French person will stand on the left (believe me, it's almost always a French person), or someone with a small child will stand on the left. They will obligingly move over if you ask them nicely. However, if someone does not move, there is usually a good reason. The other day I saw a crowd of people asking this one woman and man to move so they could all get by. They all looked rather impatient. What perplexed me by these people was that the man blocking the way clearly had a white cane and was holding on to the woman. He was obviously blind and yet people continued to show their impatience at not being able to move up the escalator. There is no way that you can be such a hurry that you can't wait 30 seconds for a blind man to make it to the top of the escalator.

The second category includes the "Oh, this looks interesting" category. Usually these people are lost, tourists, lost in conversation, or just stupid. I will forgive these people on weekends or in less busy areas of the city. But if it is Monday-Friday, between the hours of 6:00-20:00, then please don't clog the sidewalk. They get into a daze and stare into shop windows or realize they're going the wrong way and come to a quick halt with their luggage in tow. I have often come to similar realizations, but I try my best to move to the side before stopping and then turning around. Don't read your map at the top of the stairs of the Notting Hill Gate station. Just don't. There is so much sidewalk to the side that you can easily move over. If you need help, ask me. I will be happy to help you figure out where Portabello Road is. But please, don't stop your whole family in the center of pedestrian traffic. If you are on vacation you have earned your right to walk slowly, but remember that most of us still need to go to work or class. Please walk slowly on the side of the sidewalk. Or if you must take up the whole sidewalk, please be willing to move to the side when people come from the opposite direction. I don't know how many times I have almost crashed into people because they have refused to make even a small amount of space for other people. I have a heavy backpack filled with library books, don't think that I'm afraid to swing it into you if I need to.

2) The Royal Mail Service

In the US, people tend to put return addresses on the top left corner of the envelope. It's a pretty sensible thing to do, unless you're sending hate mail. In the UK, if someone does put a return address on the envelope, they usually put it on the back of the envelope. However, it has typically been acceptable to put the return address on the top left side of the envelope, it's just not extremely common. Apparently, this has become a recent problem. Mail carriers get confused and wind up returning mail to the sender instead of to the intended recipient. Last week I sent my absentee ballot. I went to the post office and purchased the correct amount of postage. As it is an official envelope, I am not able to change any of the info on it. The send to address is a bit confusing, but still says Boston, MA on it. My return address was printed on the top left corner. The postage clearly shows that the envelope should be leaving the UK (why would I attach British stamps to an envelope from the US?). However, a few days later, the envelope was returned with no note. The only reason I could think of was that the postman was confused and had seen the return address and sent it there. So I wrote on the envelope, indicating which was the return address and which was the mail to address. Several days passed and the envelope wasn't returned so I was pretty happy. But when I'd almost forgotten about the incident, it came back with a note: "Could not be delivered." No explanation was provided. It had correct postage and an address. So now it's been Fed Exed. Thanks Royal Mail. That's just stupid. Why not just send it to Boston and let them figure it out from there? If the envelope's so confusing, let me blame them for it being lost than you. But that won't happen now that they returned it to me twice.

1) Nicholas Cage

He's stupid, ugly, and balding. Oh, and he can't act either. Stop showing your stupid face on buses because I don't want to see it. It makes me angry every time I see an ad with him on it. All of your movies suck, except for Raising Arizona. Adaptation was one of the worst movies ever because he played twins, meaning that I had to see him twice as much. Yuck. Why are you famous?

So MUCH Rage!

2008-10-16T20:21:00.003-04:00

I have been incredibly busy. I have moved to a different continent and started school again, which makes me think that I am partially insane. Being so busy means that the rage must remain held deep within until I can release it all at once. Tonight I will discuss several different things that get my blood going. These are ranked in according to mildly awful to outrageously terrible.

7. Professors who refuse to use the internet

If you are 50 and under you have no excuse for not using the internet as much as possible. My mom is in her 50s and she could work at the freakin' Apple genius bar so anyone younger than she is has no excuse. The London School of Economics has the cool intranet thing going on called Moodle. It's similar to Blackboard but way more awesome. Professors can post reading lists and articles directly to the site. Plus students can create profiles and discuss the readings with other students. When the school will set this up for you, why the hell would you not use it? Thanks for the badly organized reading list buddy. I'm glad to see that you recently mastered the art of the word processor.

6. Odeon movie theaters

Odeon is one of the main theater chains in London. I am sure that other movie theaters in London suck as well, but since I haven't been to them, I'll give them a chance. Odeon charges you something like £10 for a basic ticket, £13 for a premier ticket. That's right, there are different levels of ticket for a movie theater. Oh, did I mention that the theater screen is barely wider than my laptop's 13.5 inch screen? Oh, and seats are assigned so you have no idea if you're not going to be able to switch seats even though you've wound up with the ADHD German girl with high hair sitting in front of you? Awesome. Plus the floor isn't slanted that much and the seat backs are high so good luck actually seeing the screen. I'm happy with most things in the UK, but America wins the movie theater prize.

5. People getting all huffy about "If x number of people join, I'll tattoo my face/donate to charity/contemplate possibly changing my name to urfacesmells.com!" Facebook groups

If you don't believe in them, then don't join! A lot of the time I tend to roll my eyes when I receive these invites and wind up just ignoring them. But occasionally I'll feel minimally moved and will feel inclined to join. Then the message boards and walls become filled with hateful messages about how crappy the Facebook group is. Have you ever participated in some sort of charity fundraising event? Ever? Before the internet was invented even? Don't they all function in similar manners? I mean, what does walking around a race track all night really do to raise cancer awareness? You've typically raised all of your money before the walk/run event begins, so why bother? Because they help to pull people together and raise even a small amount of awareness and that's how fundraising works people. If you don't want to be aware, then disable your Facebook profile and shut down your email account because people are going to be sending you these invitations until the end of time. In some cases, these groups will enlighten you as to how stupid people really are. Like this girl, who changed her name to cutout dissection.com because she opposes animal dissection in classrooms. Who doesn't love dissecting animals? I have to give it to her, she did manage to get her point across. Plus she managed to show how meaningless names and identities can really be. I can't wait until next week, when she changes her name to breast (milk) is best!

4. Which leads me to...bad advertising campaigns

I won't go into this too much because there are endless amounts of examples. Do you ever notice how once you've stopped using a website as much you'll get emails saying "Come back to us!!!" or "We miss you!!!"? Well I have and it's stupid. Websites should subtly try to lure me back with special savings, without mentioning the whole "we need you" whine aspect. Sure they want to make the customer feel special, but mostly it makes the company seem desperate. Amazon knows how to play the game. They send emails saying, "Oh remember that time you bought this really awesome video game? Well, guess what? LEGO Batman is now here!!" Okay, so they don't say it quite like that, but they know how to get me. Borders will send emails to me as though we are separated friends, who once got into a terrible argument, but can no longer remember why. I remember why: Amazon pwned them.

3. The idea of changing your middle name on Facebook to Hussein

I get the gist of it. Yes, we all know that Obama's middle name is Hussein, which gives him not one, but two slightly terrorist sounding names. Hussein seems to be a pretty common name, although not as much in the United States. I used to know a kid who's name sounded like Saddam Hussein and thought, wow that's really unfortunate, until I realized his name was probably not so far off from being a John Smith or what have you. We get it, you shouldn't not vote for someone because his or her middle name is scary. But aren't the majority of your Facebook friends registered democrats anyways? While the idea sounds like a good one, it comes off as kind of cultish.

2. Sarah Palin

Of course she angers me for all of the usual reasons: she's not a real female, she's not qualified, blah blah blah. But one thing that really annoyed the hell out of me was her saying during the VP debates (and I'm going from memory here so it won't be exact), "As Reagan so beautifully put it, America shall be like a city on a hill." Okay, so maybe I should give her the benefit of the doubt and believe that Palin does not think that Reagan was the first person to say this. But the fact that she said "so beautifully put it" leads me to believe that she did. In fact, Reagan did say it, but Reagan was quoting John Winthrop from a few centuries ago. And John Winthrop was quoting someone else. And um, how can America be a shining beacon for freedom and democracy when books are banned from libraries? Maybe instead of trying to censor the knowledge seeking Joe Four Eyes, Palin should go check out a few American history books.

1. Spaceballs the Animated Series

Ever since the age of about 10, Spaceballs has been my favorite movie. It's completely daft and cheezy, but I can't stop myself from loving it. When I heard about the cartoon I got incredibly excited. The iTunes store was offering the pilot episode for free so I downloaded it hoping for some mild entertainment. Instead, I got the same jokes used in the movie paired with terrible, terrible voice acting and timing. I only made it through about 10 minutes before I had to stop. So thanks for ruining my favorite movie and my dream of one day being able to see Spaceballs the Sequel: The Search for More Money. And they don't even use the Spaceballs song for the theme song! Come on!

And now for a bonus:

People who don't know how to poop correctly

Hugh Laurie Saves Wallstreet

2008-10-03T19:34:00.011-04:00

I'm sorry I have not posted for quite the while, I have been in a coma for a few weeks. The last thing I can remember is hearing some weird name... Sarah Palin or something like that. Apparently I had a brain hemorrhage and almost died. But I'm alive, and not brain damaged enough to be able to post to this blog!

I came to today to see the following headline: Bush Signs Rescue Bill After House Votes. I don't read actual articles, because journalism make me mad... I don't believe in journals. Apparently Dr. House, hopped on his motorcycle and rode down to Washington to have an emergency summit with President Bush.

"At first I thought that the financial crisis was caused by lupus, but then I realized that Wallstreet just needed a money enema." Said Dr House when approached by reporters.

According to unnamed sources, Bush was reluctant to agree to Greg's radical treatment regiment, but was swayed by a combination of his maverick spirit and tight jeans. Also, John McCain, feeling the mavericism, suspended his campaign for an unprecedented seventh time since he hit the trail (in 1832). McCain arrived just in time to see House speed off on his motorcycle.

Upon returning to New York, House delivered the money to Wallstreet, stopping briefly to slap Warren Buffet with a stack of 100-dollar bills.

Why I Intend to Avoid American Airlines in the Future

2008-08-25T14:38:00.004-04:00

While I love traveling to new places, I hate the process of getting there. Idiots stand in line at security, not understanding that shoes and belts must be removed and that no, you can't bring that bottle of water with you. Out of staters stop in the middle of highly crowded areas to either check for passports, tie shoes, or to argue with spouse about going to the bathroom/how much stuff they didn't need to bring.

As if this weren't enough at 7 AM, now American Airlines hopes to further crush your day. I have flown American quite often and have noticed a steady decline in their service. Oh wait, did I say steady? Indeed it has been going down for a few years now, but this year it has downright plummeted. In the past year I have flown on American, Continental, and Singapore Airlines. The worst experience I had by far was with American.

I showed up at the checkin line about an hour and a half early yesterday morning and had to wait forever to make it to the ticket counter. Staff confused customers by saying "If you have your ticket already, go in self-service. If you don't, go to an actual ticket person." One customer questioned this to find out what the real difference was between the lines, and the staff member just repeated her statement. I wanted to yell, "It's the same freaking thing, except in the self-service line, a machine can process your order faster and more efficiently than a ticket agent can." Another staff member started yelling line rules at us, which were fairly obvious. Rules like "If you don't want to use self-service, don't stand in this line." Um, thanks lady.

Other staff members stood around looking pissed off and hardly awake. Meanwhile, the crowd stood looking anxiously towards the self-service machines, not knowing which ones were available and which were in use. Instead of directing people to open machines like any other airline would have, the staff members stared off into space. Once I obtained my boarding pass, I was asked to pay $15 to check in one bag. If this isn't bullshit, I don't know what is. American Airlines, do you really think that this $15 is going to help your fuel costs? Wouldn't it make more sense for you to simply raise your ticket prices? When I'm booking my flight at home, I'm already willing to pay x hundreds of dollars on tickets, why not just have me swallow the extra $15 then? Making me pay the money at the ticket counter slows everything down, inconveniences me, and makes me feel like I should have stayed at home. If you're worried about losing money, make me feel like I want to fly American Airlines, don't make me feel like a bad person for visiting friends or family. Do something that makes the airline stand out in a positive light. You want to be remembered for the good you've done, not how you've screwed your customers over. Virgin Atlantic and Singapore Airlines both make their customers feel like stars, no matter where they sit on the plane. They serve hot towels, full meals, and continuously serve free beverages (including free alcohol). I would like to make a small note saying that usually the flight attendants on American are pretty cool. It's not their fault that the company sucks.

Once I had obtained my ticket, I asked the lady at the counter what to do with my bag. She goes, "you need to show someone your boarding pass first." As I turn to give it to her, she looks away and starts giggling with another staff member. I push my way over to another woman, and she says "Any of us can take it." Instead of taking my ticket, she stares off into space. I finally give someone my ticket and can go off to security.

I arrived in San Francisco to find that I was one of a couple people whose bag didn't make it on the plane. The reason why? "All it says is TSA: Bag had to be rechecked for security reasons." Oh really? All I had in the bags were clothes, two pairs of shoes, a book or two, and toothpaste. Wow, I must be really dangerous. Most likely, one of the flaky staff members didn't get it on the belt on time (big surprise considering how much attention they were paying to their jobs), and then coded it as "TSA" to cover his/her ass. I landed at 11:00 AM, my bag did not get to the airport until after 10:00 PM. American told me they'd call me when the bag landed. Did they call? No, have they ever called before when my bag didn't make it on the flight? No. I called close to 11, and discovered my bag could either be delivered between midnight and 3 Am or 10 AM and 2 PM. They couldn't guarantee any specific delivery time. I chose the night option. A 2:45 AM finally showed up. Thanks American. I have now officially stayed up 24 hours for you! And now I'm exhausted and pissed off! American has lost my bag several times in the past. I can understand when there are weather issues or if they say they had too many bags on the plane. But security reasons? Also, not once has the airline called me to say my bag has been retrieved. In fact, when I live close the airport, I tend to drive there after a few hours and find my bag just sitting in the baggage claim area. I don't have to sign for it and notify anyone that I'm taking it. Which leads me to believe that anyone could have shown up and walked away with my bag. Also, normally when your bag is searched, there is some sort of evidence that this has been done. They will (or should leave) either a tag or piece of paper saying the bag has gone through additional screening. There was no sign of this on my bag this morning.

Did American offer me any sort of compensation or travel voucher? No. I have requested to have my $15 check-in fee refunded, but so far haven't heard back. Oh, did I mention that you can e-mail, fax, or mail your complaints in but can't call a customer service line? What a way to discourage negative comments or deny responsibility for fault! As someone who has previously worked in customer service, I know that the easiest way to calm a customer down or to solve their problem is over the phone. Customers will vent in emails, which often times leads to a customer service agent not wanting to really help. On the phone, the customer realizes that you are human too and are actually trying to help. Don't send your customers to a black hole, help them out. Also, when I made a mistake at my job, I'd offer to refund or partially refund the customer. This would make the customer happy and encourage them to shop with us again. If I don't see at least an apology or my $15 back (which is nothing compared to my full day wasted), I do not intend to fly with them again unless no other option is available.

Hey companies, do you want to know how to lose money and fail at business? Just look at American Airlines!

TV on drugs

2008-08-12T23:10:00.004-04:00

Hands down, the best part of television, is the commercials. They keep us updated with what movie not to watch, what new cell phone is exactly like the iPhone, and who Coca Cola thinks you should want to sleep with. Frankly, there is nothing more fulfilling than having my brain be treated like a mail slot which information needs to be shoved into in the most aggressive manner possible to ensure that it sticks.

Drug companies, more than any other advertiser, have their work cut out for them in this dog eat dog world. Many of them can't even say what their drug does without having to go into the lengthy list of side effects. I still don't know what Cialis actually does, I think it makes you sigh a lot. There is one commercial for an arthritis medication that is nothing more than a lengthy list of sideeffects followed by an official sounding voice telling me "your life might suck just enough for this to be worth it."

Advertising for perscription drugs is difficult, because you have to actually get the viewer to think they have symptoms. So when selling anti-depressants, cue the violin music and get the woman with the dullest voice to ask if you feel paralized with pain and anxiety. I'm not sure if I have the will to live after watching a thirty second spot in the middle of J Leno, too bad anti-depressents make you want to kill yourself.

Of course, there is always the classic ED pill ads. There are two directions you can go with this ad. First, the little blue pill will finally let you be able to please your wife again, filling that gaping void in your relationship (try saying that with a straight face sometime). Or, this pill will give to you ability to schtup every semi-attractive femail at your office party. Either way, this pill does not protect you from HIV or other STDs... which logically it should.

Attack of the Clones

2008-08-05T22:39:00.003-04:00

We have all had a pet that we have loved, and most of us have had that pet die. This experience can be rough. What most of us have not done, is fork out $150,000 to create the image of the that pet's immortality. That's right, the clones have launched an attack! And they are hitting us where we are most defenseless: our insecurities that we are willing to throw infinite amounts of cash to try and fill. For about three years now, several companies have been commercially cloning pets.

I am not against cloning. On some level it has useful applications, and I doubt that the artificial creation of human offspring will ever find widespread acceptance or use. As for "not playing god," if trying to dictate how everyone should lead their life isn't "playing god" then I doubt cloning is. My one beef with cloning: Star Wars: The Clone Wars, which will be removing money from your wallets this fall.

What is misunderstood about cloning is, when you clone an animal, the clone is a different animal than the original. So the biggest difference between getting your old pet cloned, and getting a new pet, is in your head. While that puppy will look similar to the original and probably have some similar personality traits, it will be a new puppy. So congratulations, you have just spent 5 years of my salary for something you could have gotten by spending fifteen minutes in choosing a new dog at the pound.

Dark Knight, another terrible movie

2008-07-22T21:47:00.007-04:00

This weekend, I ventured to the movie theater where I watched, accompanied only by a tumble weed, the silver screen equivalent of Moose Murders, the new installment in the trite Batman franchise, The Dark Knight. The movie makers rushed this film so much in hopes of making a quick buck, that they practically caused the death of actor Heath Ledger. I don't completely understand all the hype over this young man, if Danny DiVito had died in the post-production of Batman Returns you wouldn't have cared.

One sign of a rushed movie, is that they decided to reuse the overdone villain the Joker. While the Joker is Batman's original and defining nemesis, there are no shortages of portrayals of this white-faced mass murderer, and there are so many other colorful villains and the Batman pantheon to draw form. After dipping into the lesser know characters, Ras Al Ghul and The Scarecrow, for Batman Begins I was hoping that Hollywood would be ready to bring some of Batman's adversaries to light.

Imagine, if instead of Heath Ledgers horrifying face appearing on the screen, we were treated to another portrayal of the classic character Clayface. This animated tennis court was once an actor but because of his dependence on an experimental cosmetic product transforms into a giant autonomous clay figure. The emotional range it takes to portray the desperation and the anguish that this character goes through, would require an actor of at least the caliber of Kenneth Branaugh.

I'm sure, like all bad movies, that there will of course be a sequel. Maybe they'll choose to remake more villains from the other movies, such as Mr Freeze, the tragic story of boy meets girl, girl dies, boy uses his advanced knowledge of cryogenics to kill people, later becoming governor of California. Or Poison Ivy, whose magical vagina always seems to come between Batman and his trusty sidekick, Robin. Maybe they'll try to revitalize this movie series by introducing to always fresh character Batgirl!

Interestingly enough, the movie grossed 155 Million dollars over the weekend, that must have been one wealthy tumble weed.

Summer Movie Breakdown

2008-07-08T22:38:00.007-04:00

There is no air conditioning in my apartment, so naturally I have been doing pretty much anything to stay out of the heat. This means spending hours in Starbucks, at the supermarket, and going to movies, even if they are bad. So, In tonight's feature, I sum up the pain that I have felt from the third row of the AMC Cinema in Kenmore square.

Indiana Jones and the Legend of Pickle Shaped Skulls (PG 13)
A taste of the good old days, when movies were simple and adventurous, and did not carry any regard for foreign cultures or physics or the fact that refrigerators can't open from the inside. Way to make money George Lucas!

Why is Harrison Ford still so damn beautiful?

You Don't Mess With the Happy Gilmore (PG13 because the kids are alright)
A buffed up Adam Sandler sensitively shows that even if you are a soldier who knows nothing but war, you can still achieve your dreams... as long as you have sex with enough old ladies. I can smell the Oscar from here.

Wanted (R for pointless cursing, violence, and really skinny people)
A movie that sets the bar just high enough to smack its face into. I will use basic math to explain how bad this movie is:
Wanted = Fight Club + Matrix = Why did you think this was a good idea?
James MacAvoy ≠ Badass
Angelina Jolie = ± A Zombie
What have you done lately?

How much do you hate your family?

2008-07-01T23:01:00.005-04:00

Do you hate them enough to not send them to not send them a Christmas card? How about to leave them out of your will? If that isn't spiteful enough, you could force them to spend all of your money on charity. Not poetic enough? If you really want to twist the knife, you could always force them to spend every penny you have on your bichon friez.

That is what Leona Helmsley did with her multi-billion dollar hotel fortune. If you are not familiar with the story, after Leona died last year, she allocated her ~6 Billion dollar estate to charities that benefit dogs, saving 6 million for her own toy pooch.

This story angers me on many levels.

First, small dogs are dumb. They usually rank somewhere between an accessory and a stuffed animals on the food chain, even though they will try to eat both. They lack the charm of cats and larger dogs, and if you are too codepended to be a cat person, the game ended for you a long time ago. If you are not convinced: Beverly Hills Chiwawa.

Second, what about people? I don't care that she gave all her money to charity. "Immature" doesn't quite seem to cover a multi billion dollar slap in the face to your own kin and beloved, but they probably don't really need it anyway. 6 Billion dollars could help a lot of PEOPLE. There are countries with GPCs less than 6 Billion dollars. She could have actually bought everybody a coke, and still have enough to feed her pets for the next 70 bajillion dog-years.

There certainly are good charities for animals. But, as the Times reports, Helmsley's estate is more than ten times the value of every animal related non-profit in the country. (I'm not sure if this includes the one where Bob Barker spays you cat) There is certainly a better way of dealing with your money, your pets, and your family.

...At least she was ugly...

Today's Subject: The Distance between MBTA Stops

2008-06-24T22:53:00.003-04:00

Every day that I drive to work or whenever I take public transportation in Boston, I get a little bit angrier at the MBTA. I drive from Brighton to Watertown and am frequently stuck behind buses. I live off of the Greenline, so if I plan on going downtown, I resign myself to the fact that I will be stuck on the T for a minimum of 40 minutes, no matter how far I plan to go.

What really gets me is the distance between stops. It takes the average person 13-25 minutes to walk a mile, depending on how quickly he or she is walking. Whenever I'm in a hurry, or on my way to work, I probably walk a mile in under 20 minutes. So how long could it possibly take me to walk one to two blocks? 30 seconds? One minute? Maybe a couple minutes if I need to cross a street? Well, the MBTA bus system does not seem to believe that anyone is capable of walking more than one large block at at time, as judging from the bus routes I've seen, that is how frequently it stops.

On my way to work, I take a left (from Washington St) onto Washington St past St. Elizabeth's Medical Center. I'm not sure which bus it is, but one of them stops immediately after turning left. Before it has a chance to accelerate, it pulls over to another stop. The bus has maybe gone half a block at this point. The bus then goes through the intersection of Washington St and Market St and pulls over again. I can walk from the Green Briar Pub to Cafénation in approximately five minutes. The bus has stopped three times in a tenth of a mile!

View Larger Map

You shouldn't be able to get to your stop, see the bus get to the stop ahead of yours, run after it, and be able to get on. I have tried taking the bus from home to work and to Harvard Square but have found it is faster to walk. Of course buses stop frequently, but isn't this a bit much?

I have the same issue with the Green Line, especially the B. The B line has 18 stops between Boston College and Kenmore, which is about a 4 mile distance. The Red Line has about 14 stops between Alewife and Braintree, which covers about a 20 mile distance. It takes about the same time (or maybe less) to get from the Park St stop to Quincy Center as it does to get from Park St to Washington St. How does this make sense? OK, so the Green Line does go above ground for those 18 stops and does need to stop for traffic, but I still find this a bit ridiculous. Mostly because a lot of waiting time is spent at stops and not at traffic lights.

Why does Boston University need three stops? It's big, but it's not that big. Get rid of one of those stops! It's not like removing stops would be that hard. In fact, a few stops, such as the Mt. Hood Rd. stop, were removed simply by putting a chain over the stop and placing tape over its name on the subway map. Several stops, such as the Sutherland stop, don't even look like stops! They don't even have signs!*

Would it really hurt people to walk a couple of extra blocks? A lot of B line stops aren't even near grocery stores, pharmacies, or anything else worthwhile. Everyone would get home a little faster if they didn't mind getting off a little bit earlier/later.

*This leads me to a separate rant about how Boston is a great city, as long as you're a local. Expect to see this in a future post

Oh, So You Can Ride a Bike With No Handlebars Can You?

2008-05-11T22:51:00.006-04:00

Unless you live in 1920 and ride a unicycle, you can't. Amazingly enough, this rant is not about that god awful song. Although its mere existance baffles my mind. Have we recovered from our 80s craze and shot straight to 1999? If you are unfamiliar with the song, I envy you. This rant is about bikers. I am not referring to the Harley Davidson riders, or the moped daredevils, but to the assholes on bicycles in Boston.

I do own a bike and from time to time enjoy using it. Bicycles are great for the environment, personal health, and entertainment. If you don't have a car and taking public transportation doesn't make any sense, then by all means take your bike. However, bikers are for the most part, assholes. Boston is not like Copenhagen in the sense that it planned well for bicyclists. In fact, it didn't really plan well for much. Just try driving from Brighton to Arlington some time and you'll see what I mean.

Everywhere I go I see these obnoxious little bumper stickers or shirts on the backs of bikers "Share the Road." I do "share the road" but the majority of bikers I see have no intention of sharing anything. "Oh, there's a snow bank here and there's barely enough room for your car as it is? Let me ride my bike extremely slowly in the middle of the road so no one can go around me." "Oh, you plan to turn right at this intersection and you've had your blinker on for a block and half? Why would I slow down or stop?" "This red light is inconvenient, I shall pause at the crosswalk and then run over some pedestrians."

Bikers are also supposed to obey traffic laws. "But I'll never make it to work on time if I do." Then leave earlier! Chances are that you will make it to work faster by walking then you will by taking public transportation so don't give me the "can't be late" excuse. You know what slows down traffic? People having to stop every five seconds so as not to hit a biker running a red light. Guess what bikers, you aren't invincible. You are not impervious to cars turning left from the opposite direction. Massachusetts bicycle law states that bikers may pass cars to the right. By right, the law does not mean that you may get in between cars or be in the center lane at a red light. You must signal when changing lanes or turning.

Take a look at this crazy intersection which I must cross through every day.

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This is insane!! As you can see from the map, traffic goes in several directions. After going through two traffic lights, I have to get over to my right and watch for cars who only sometimes yield when they're supposed to. This is made far more challenging when a biker gets into the middle of all the lanes and also tries to go right without signalling, staying to the right, or slowing down at all.

If I have three or four other people in my car, it can be difficult enough to see a car in my blind spot. Bicycles are extremely hard to see. Most bikers do not seem to be aware of their surroundings and oftentimes do not seem to care for their own safety. One day on my way to work, I stopped to let a woman make a left turn. The light up ahead was red so I wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. It should have been fairly obvious what I was doing. However, a bicyclist decided that the red light was unimportant and so continued to speed on. As the woman turned into the street, he did not pay attention and was not able to brake in time. Instead, he slammed right into the side of her SUV. Of course she wouldn't have seen him coming, and he was out of sight of my rear and sideview mirrors when I initially stopped. He definitely should have realized what was happening. He was okay, but the accident was completly unneccessary and entirely his fault. On the offchance that I ever decide to go into law, I may just opt to defend motorists in bike vs. car accidents.

I really can't stand the bikers who think they are completely badass and can defy gravity. You know which ones I mean, the ones who get in the front and center of an intersection during a red light and refuse to put their feet on the ground. Almost every single one of these that I've seen has almost fallen and gotten hit by oncoming traffic.

Please bikers, develop some common sense and get out of my way. To that woman who rides a tandem bike with her son through Brighton Center during rush hour, why must you continually ride through red lights without even looking first? Do you give a crap at all about the safety of your kid? One day, I know that I will hit one of you, and I really don't think I'll feel bad about it.

The Third Speaks: Snorkels for Polar Bears

2008-04-27T22:41:00.003-04:00

Hello ladies and gentlemen,

You probably have been wondering since the inception of this blog, who is this mysterious/sexy Stinkerton who lurks in the sidebar of this tantalizing blog? Ok, you are right, you have been thinking no such thing, mostly because you don't know what 'tantalizing means'. I have come to answer just that question, with a scathing tirade so acidic it will make you look up from your lol-catz.

The subject of my tirade:
The Balding Penguin

Thats right, its adorable.

This is revolting. It is this sort of mindless whale-hugging that allows Subaru to get away with green living adds. (Note: whales are slimy and bad huggers)

"Oh, look, that penguin is losing its little hair! I know lets give it a jacket so it can swim around and be soooooo cute in its little penguin wet-suit."

WRONG! We should be saying "Haha! You're an inferior penguin, and you are going to die." and then laugh as it shivers alone in a corner.

Don't misunderstand. I love nature as much as any of you hippies. You can tell because I eat more of its creatures than you do (I'm really glad they didn't give those flightless chickens airplanes), but its the circle of life. The weak are supposed to die, it is just how the works.

I will explain this to in a way that caters to your ADD. Lets say we give this penguin a wet suit. Rather than dying like it is supposed to, it goes and gets busy with a bunch of girl-penguins without use of a penguin condom (I wonder if sperm balds too?). Then he carries his little egg and it hatches into little bald baby penguin, which are also adorable. But soon these babies are making more bald babies! Soon, they every penguin in the arctic is to busy shivering, and get eaten by polar bears. It is kind of like the movie 28 days later except far less exciting and far more cute.

However, all of this talk of polar bear gives me an idea. Why don't we just give all the polar bears who are drowning in the north pole snorkels? At least with them it is our fault that they are dying, and not some genetic defect, unless you count that they weren't born with gills (slackers).

Snark Monster Sez: Get These Hos Out of My Job Application System!

2008-04-25T10:10:00.005-04:00

So say I got a job opening for a party in my pants.

--Granted, this is all metaphorical so you internet pervballs can understand what I'm talking about.--

So I got this opening in my pants, but there's only so much room in there for potential hires--ya know? Three to a thigh, five in the middle, and ten down the back. It's a huge party and now it's booked up. I don't want to be seeing any more of these stinkin' ho resumes.

But then a friend swings by, "Hey Man, I got the sickest of the sick, A-plus-plus ho for you. You'll love him. You gotta let him into the party."

And I'm all like, "But Dude, I just closed this shit up! Now I have to put a call in to HR to get them to let down the zipper to get one more party person inside past all the other people waiting at my velvet shoelace's rope to get in!"

And Dude's all like, "This guy is the king of parties--like that f*in' Aussie kid good."

And so I'm like, "Fine, fine. I'll put in a call to HR."

So I'm plotting with my HR lady to sneak a fast one by them all and let this party boy through. And I think I'm being all swift--"Let's open it at night, call the guy real fast and have him jump the queue and then we'll pull the zipper back up right quick."

So I hit all the necessary buttons on my keyboard, get Ms. Thang in HR to let down my drawbridge, put my call in to Party Boy, "Yo, let's do this." Dot every fucking T and cross all the Is.

And I think I'm all slick sitting down at my computer this morning, ready to celebrate with Party Boy for making it in, close that shit out and be done with it. But what do you think is sitting in my inbox? A six pack for a job well done?

Hells, no!

It's an email from one of the velvet shoelace hos! Don't you know it, she's been squatting on our hiring page, all night long refreshing until she sees the backdoor slide open. And what does she throw my way? A fucking passive aggressive parade!

"I applied for this position back in March {sound the kazoos!} and was told that the position was currently on hold {here come the baton twirlers!}. But now I see from your website that the position is open again {here comes the marching band!!}. Are you accepting applications again?! {Oh snap! It's the clown car!} And ARE YOU STILL CONSIDERING ME FOR THIS JOB?!? I SWEAR I'M NOT DESPERATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! {Clowns everywhere! It's a fucking red nose apocalypse!}"

I got two words for you Honey: Chill & Pill. Find it. Take one. It's fucking Friday, my friend. And I've got a party in my pants.

You are extremely NOT welcome!!

2008-04-21T23:07:00.005-04:00

Oh, hi there! I'm sorry, I was too busy being distracted by how annoying this post is to see you there. Do you own a bike? Do you ride it in the city? If the answer is No, then welcome. Have a seat, or keep standing and continue to read on your mobile device. If the answer is Yes, then please stay the hell away from me. I drive a car and am proud of it. It's bad enough having to have a biker as a roommate, I don't want any reading this blog.

So, to start things off, here is my first subject of rage:

Flan

Flan is so dumb, it doesn't even have a page on Wikipedia. Take that, flan. I don't really even understand what it is, and I've eaten it. It's a strange color and the texture is disgusting. If you've ever eaten flan, you will know that it also has an oozing liquid, which leaks out of the side of it. This reminds me of fruit on the bottom yogurt, where you have that extra yogurt juice, which isn't quite yogurt, and doesn't really resemble any of the fruit from the bottom. I know you know which juice I'm referring to.

It also jiggles and does not look or taste real. It looks like something you should find at an office supply store and tastes like an envelope. Oh, you complain that I'm being vague and not descriptive enough? Well that is how flan tastes: vague. I do like foods tha jiggle. Believe me, I love Jell-O with or without liquor in it. But it usually comes in bright colors and delicious artificial flavors. Plus it doesn't have any of that awful pus juice.

Here is an example of the jiggling:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqrbO-NBQWU

See, gross. This is what my dashboard dictionary has to say about Flan:

1) A baked dish consisisting of an open-topped pastry case with a savory or sweet filling
2) A disk of metal such as one from which a coin is made
Origin: From French (originally denoting a round cake) from old French flaon, from Medieval Latin flado, fladon, of West Germanic origin: related to Dutch vlade 'custard'

Mmm nothing hits the spot like pastry case or a disk of metal. You may be thinking "But Rageoline, the origin of the word shows that flan has existed for quite some time and so must be a beloved and treasured dessert." Absolutely not. Here is what I think actually happened:

The Dutch: Yuk, my attempt to make currency has failed and turned into nothing but goop, we shall pass this onto the Germans as they are gullible and divided. Of course they will believe us, we've been to Asia and stuff.

The Germans: This is terrible, those Dutch are real bastards. You know who we hate? The French. I bet we can pretend to insult them, they'll totally fall for it, and they shall adopt this dessert as their own (very similar to Bismarck's actual strategy).

The French: Okay, not even we could make this good. Maybe we can give it to the Spanish?

The Spanish: This is fantastico!!! It is the only dessert that has survived our climate so far! And oh, we can totally sell this to those Argentines...they love bland and flavorless things.

So there you go, the complete and accurate history of flan. For all those people who like flan, go eat something real with chocolate.